close your eyes

Madness, those bad days,

Shut your eyes if you look hard enough you’ll see the real world where the real you
lives in your real form, stripped of earth layers in this secret known inner world above
 I strain to see it stare so hard  and then they whisper that my eye was ruined and the other taken don’t I remember that dream?
The secret view we’re given sometimes years ago blood running down my cheeks
staring through scratches into the mirror, the other one missing empty socket
taken because I saw too much and lied too much,  it’s not fair I tell them I was just a child
you are a cat they answer pull yourself up fight us and you might get them back
my mother down here begs me to take a shower I shudder I want to hurt them
 for seeing out my eyes, want to explain why I can’t
because I’ve heard enough about me being so fat and scarred
I swipe blindly with my claws out hissing crouch in the corner refusing to care about the laughter as they inform me I’ll have  to try harder and that I’m more stupid than they thought
 that I’m not a cat I’m human. I push the thought through hard
how can I know what I am when
 I can’t see swing blindly filled with rage but make no connection
down here my mother is talking at me still giving away too much she doesn’t understand there are people listening. Dizzy earth body needs to escape this goes to lie down and I ask
who am I really and who are you,  going around in circles
most of the others have tuned out for the night it’s just the three of us in here now
I try to be quiet in case I think too loud and bring them back. She tells me that I’m disgusting and to roll onto my side, to not have my hands on my stomach
because that is showing off, that they’ve all seen me and I’m arrogant and filthy and I stink I think nothing and do as she says. Then picture a wall with a white ball bouncing off
He tells me I’m an ugly old woman with no eyes
flashes me an image, the real me he says
the forever me I have to wander this road forever and it sinks in that I’ve earned this fate
deep fear settles in like a switch flipped hand flapping legs twitching buzzing brain heavy with the knowledge that someone else is here now, I wish they’d stop talking
about things they’ve seen in my mind things I let slip that humiliate me things I’ve never spoken of things nobody should ever know
 Bile bubbles up my throat this new presence could be anyone I know it’s a him I can feel the difference,
 I ask him in a quiet thought who he is shut up b***h he tells me I’ve been watching and we hate you
 I recognise him instantly and shrink back
the brothers of my best friend, that I’m  too scared to see on earth these days  because I know I’ve hurt her and I love her too much to do any more damage
he tells me I deserve death for the life I’ve lived and the pain and change I’ve caused in their sister one punches me in the face I feel it and I fall to the ground
guilt and shame rolling over both selves in waves I’m going to cut your stomach out
not like you need it, you make her starve he hisses she used to be happy and he takes it from me as I lay there shivering. The other steps forward and tells me I don’t deserve the heart I have
 he cuts it out of me, I can’t move I know they’re right and then they take turning raping me
kick me in the head and walk away

when it’s quiet for the first time in months I can’t stop myself down here from bawling
everybody in here saw and heard what happened could list my sins, taste my shame
Will let me lick my wounds for a bit soon they’ll start up again
I peel my eyes open try to pull myself together and shuffle down the edges of the hallway
to the kitchen where I spill tobacco on the floor and cry so hard and loud that mum comes running she tries to hug me and I push her off
I am filthy not even half a person. I hear her crying somewhere as she prepares a massive pizza and my father and brother slink around on eggshells waiting for a feed I can’t meet their eyes.
 Then I shovel some down my throat because I can’t weep if I’m eating and want to breath at once
doesn’t matter because it’s falling through me
I can’t taste it anyway, I shake and ache, I’ll never get full and I don’t care that it’s hurting,
 guess they did me a favour getting rid of that heart.

Reviews

[Brad]

i've been all too familiar with that feral pack of madness that can run rampant within...the best thing for me was a few days in the woods...secluded...and allowed to howl...sometimes that "beast" just needs a stretch and a vent

[_mal]

That makes sense, must be a part of us when things get bad to want to gap. I got to near the ocean for a few days many times but never alone. I don't think it'll ever get like this again

[...]

i have a chipped front tooth
from being thrashed
in a chauffeur-driven
moving cab
it's a metaphor
for the rest of my life
i don't get it fixed
i want to remember
what shouldn't have happened

these words are about that
what happened shouldn't have happened
i respect these words
for making me stronger

[Chris]

Mal,

I read your words and then read your "About". I am going to read more of your 'work' before making a snap comment.