My Story

This is my story about how I beat anorexia, please read the notes for more information ❤️

I've always been bigger
I didn't care that I was “fat”
In Elementary no one cared, they cared out who had the most silly bands wrapped around their wrists
Or who had a cookie in their lunch
In Elementary no one cared how you looked
I was happy back then
I guess maybe just content

Then came Middle School
I was so excited to go to a “big kid School”
The first day I walked into my English class everyone stopped talking, and stared
All they saw was how fat I was
All I saw was models
With their perfect body, and perfect makeup and perfect hair
With their perfect bright smiles
Perfect, perfect, perfect

I sat down in my seat, trying to ignore the snickers and giggles
The laughs that followed my every step
And the sound of a small explosion from the boy behind me when I sat down
That day, I realized how hellish middle school was
I realized the world hates imperfections
That if you are just a little bigger, the world will yell at you to get your s**t together and starve yourself

When I got home I stood in front of a mirror and saw what those kids saw
I saw the double chin hiding behind my chin, I saw the oversized shirts I wore so maybe I could look just a little bit skinnier
I saw the rolls, the chubby cheeks, the stomach I saw everything
On that day I said to myself I'm going to get skinnier, I'm going to be a model and maybe, just maybe will I be excepted

On that day I stopped eating
On that day I stopped looking at food
I starved myself, I didn't eat for weeks
Maybe a cracker here and there but nothing that had over 10 calories
I was 13 when I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety
And it was because of those perfect girls

I could barely walk out of my room without the perfect everything
But I didn't have the perfect body, I lost weight but I was still imperfect
I looked in the mirror and saw my body for the first time in weeks
And I was disappointed
I was still fat
People still waved candy bars in my face and said here's your first morning snack
I still had food thrown at me, and I still had people throwing me their bags of chips
And I was still not eating, I was still sticking my fingers down my throat and I still had trouble eating one simple cracker

My life was crumbling all around me
I felt like I was fatter than before
People were calling me a fat w***e, or fat pig
I even stopped drinking water for a few days
Thinking maybe that would help

I felt worthless
And I could barely get out of bed, I lost control of my life
I was crying myself to sleep most nights and in 8th grade I didn't sleep most nights, maybe 2 hours a week
I stopped doing my favorite things, and I lost all my friends
I still felt fat

But in reality I was anorexic, someone would wrap a small rubber band around my thigh multiple times
My ribs were sticking out, and and you touched my back you could feel every single bone
My face lost its color, my cheeks were sunken in
I looked dead
And truthfully, that's how I felt

I looked in my mirror, still seeing the fat little girl I was in 7th grade
I saw everything wrong with me, I still didn't eat, I shut-out my family who was trying to help
I felt alone

But in reality everyone was trying to help
I couldn't even start to think about being helped
I thought something was wrong with them, that they didn't want me to lose weight

When I was 15 I was 5’5 and 64 pounds
I was in hospital after hospital, passing out due to lack of sleep and nutrients
I even switched out the IV fluid for water, thinking I'd get even fatter than I was
One day, I was having an especially bad day
My mom was sitting next to me, holding up two pictures, one year apart
I finally saw the difference, I saw all the other flaws
My ribs, my lifeless face, I didn't smile in the most recent picture but the other one I had the biggest smile
I was happy when I was bigger

So I promised myself I'm going to let people help me
I'm going to become healthy
But it was hard, in the first few weeks I was throwing up if I ate more than a few grapes
Over a few weeks I was eating small meals, a small bowl of cereal maybe
I could fit in clothes now, I was so happy being able to fit into an extra small
My ribs weren't as bad, my cheeks started to fill out again
My energy was coming back, and I was even sleeping a little more

Within a few months I was at an okay weight, I was still underweight but I was eating
Within a year I gained 30 pounds, I started working out and started repairing my friendships that I lost
I went back to school, but now people were calling me stick, or corpse
I simply smiled and said thank you, trying not to let it bother me
But it did
It made me want to either eat nothing again or eat everything in sight

I stared at go to therapy when I was in 8th grade
We talked about all the people and what they say
How much I ate that day
How I felt
How I'm working on becoming healthy
How how how

It felt like I was slowly sinking in how's
She didn't help me, she just asked questions
Making me second guess myself
So I stopped going

I wanted to do this by myself because that's how I got into it
My body slowly got used to food again
I could eat a small meal without being sick
I was working out more

By 16 I was starting to fill out
I was 120 pounds
My face had color
There was fat on my thighs
But it was a good fat
It was healthy

I was finally remembering what happy felt like
I got my friends back, I got my family back
I got my life back

Now, I'm 17, 5’6, and I'm 141 pounds
I got my life together, I got accepted into a collage, I have my friends back and I even have a boyfriend
To all the boys and girls who think they are ‘fat’, truth is everyone is
Because without fat we all would be absolutely nothing
We'd be skin and bones

I know it's hard to not listen to everyone who is putting you down
But the only reason they do that is because they're insecure
Yes, that's not an excuse but you're better than that
You're better than stooping down to their level

You're a fighter, you're strong and you're worth more than a number on a scale
You're worth more than the comments
You're worth should not be determined by a scale, or how much you eat a day
You're worth everything to me
And I wholeheartedly love you for you
Not just the perfect you
Not just the insecure you
Not just the ‘fat’ you or the ‘skinny’ you
But everything about you
Please, please don't ever f*****g forget that

Author's Note

I'm sorry if there is any spelling/ grammar mistakes. I wrote this to help at least one person, even if it helps in the slightest. I didn't write this for anyone's pity, I wanted to publish this for awareness. Please, if you need help with anything or you just need someone to talk to you can always message me. And remember, I love you

Reviews

[Serendipity Planet]

You didn't make me feel pity ,
You are brave and I love you for that

[MadeleineHicks]

Thank you ❤️