Enemy

The entire first stanza came to me in that place between being asleep and awake, and I got up and put the words down and continued the story from there the best way I knew how. This is the result.

My friends and I are in a room,

Whose walls are painted black,

We tried to lock ourselves inside

But one by one they disappeared,

And never came back.

In the middle of it all I stood

In the storm that would my spirit wrack,

But there was nothing I could do,

So one by one they disappeared,

And never came back.

Time came and went like the wind,

It was very hard to keep track

And every time I turned around,

Someone new had disappeared,

And never came back.

I could perceive no enemy,

Of this invisible attack, 

And helpless I stood,

As one by one they disappeared,

and never came back.

Losing them was unbearable,

I felt my defences crack,

But as I struggled not to break,

One by one they disappeared,

And never came back.

I am waiting patiently in this room,

Whose walls are painted black,

But now I am the only one

And just like them I’ll disappear

And never come back.

Author's Note

Who is the Enemy is this poem?

Reviews

[john l smith]

Over the years we go through many acquaintances some of whom become good friends
Time and circumstance are the enemies here with all those friends gone in a different direction as you yourself may eventually do
I think?

[@_av_poetry]

Thank you dearly for taking the time to read and share your thoughts on this. I've gotten some amazing answers on this one and yours is equally interesting and important. The enemy is whatever you think the enemy is. All the amswers are right. I just wanted to see how different people interpret the same poem in different ways.

[Chris Shaw]

This is a good write and I particularly liked the repetition in each stanza. Who is the enemy,? Why it has to be the author himself who has a very lively imagination. Maybe it isn't an enemy at all, maybe it's just his muse being creative. Mine works best at night, and in half sleep.

Chris

[@_av_poetry]

Thank you so much. Interesting answer. I hadn't thought of that one. Thank you for reading.

[BlackPrince]

You are a true poet in spirit. I feel the genuineness in your writing.
You have such an objective way of looking at things. You understand natural equilibrium, far from self-indulging.

I love how you employ refrain in your poem.

You are the type of writers I'd love to meet in the physical, to see the face behind the work, because I find you inspiring.

You are truly blessed with this gift of writing.
Please, keep it up.

[Coyote Poetry]

Could be depression? Could be many things. I liked the use of blackness. Cold darkness can kill our thoughts and our will to escape. Very nice use of words. I did like.
Coyote

[@_av_poetry]

It could be many things. Depression is indeed a possible answer. Thanks for reading. :)

[emipoemi]

AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! This is freaking awesome! You do have some iffy sections, which I will point out in a sec, but I just have to let it all out first: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Holy kwap!! Once tweaked to perfection, this would be your bar; the best work you have written so far! It's powerful, profound, and the repetition is freaking amazing!! Way - To - freaking - GO!!

....ok, time to settle down, now. Your tweaks:

- The first stanza needs to set the scene a bit better. First off, though "me and my friends" is ok, saying "my friends and I" would not only be grammatically correct (just fyi) AND have a bit better musicality, but it would also put the friends as the acting entities, and not "you", which gives the "they" further down more power and sense. Line 2 should be changed to echo Line 2 of the last stanza, for saying "room" twice in so close proximity like that sounds really bad. We already know "we're" in a room, so we don't need that aspect repeated so soon. Line 3 could be your choice whether to change or not, but firstly for musicality purposes, better to end with "inside", so we get that extra syllable to land on. Then, in order to give "they" in the next line more power and emphasis, instead of "we" put "they" and have the line go thus: "They tried to lock us all inside." I have to admit that saying "We tried to lock ourselves inside" is the more powerful line given it makes the "I" an accomplice in all this, so with that said, Line 4 would really need to figure out how to keep "they" associated with just the friends and not the "I", for it kind of sounds and seems very off to start with "We" and then continue with "they". BUT, a grammatical note is that if you start with past, you gotta continue with past, and since "tried" is in past, so must "disappear" (so "disappear" must instead be "disappeared").

- Stanza 2 Line 2 = awkward on two levels: "turn on them my back" is a bit of a stretch; but rhyming "back" with "back" is even worse. Also, again, the last little bit should be in past given the way you're wording it.

- Stanza 3 Line 2 is missing a syllable to flow with the musicality. Everything else great!

-Last Stanza Line 1, there's better musicality and power to say: "I'm patiently waiting in this room". But the stanza on the whole really puts it over the top, and those last two lines is a reason why Stanza 1 REALLY needs to be careful with the "we" and "they" distinction, for you don't want to give away this spectacular ending.

So Stanza 1 needs the most work, but it's all pretty simple stuff to work with. Nothing needs to be entirely rewritten, for it's all utterly amazing! Simply tweak this to perfection and like I said, this would be your best work to date! Well freaking done!!

[@_av_poetry]

Thank you! Wow that's amazing to hear. I'll work on it as soon as I get some time to sit with my laptop. Thanks :)

[emipoemi]

my pleasure.

[@_av_poetry]

You never said who do you think the Enemy is? Oh and I'm curious how important do you think grammar is when it comes to poetry? Is there poetic liberties allow us to stray from the rules in order to preserve meaning?

[emipoemi]

Poetic licenses can only go so far. In my opinion, claiming poetic license is a lazy cheat. There's always a way to say something in the proper way. And grammar can be stretched only in certain occasions, and the poem needs to in some way express that it's going to go down that road in order to allow for it. Otherwise it's very jarring.

(and the enemy I believe is Time - the inevitable splitting of friends through time and fate. No?)

[@_av_poetry]

If time is what you think it is then that's what it is. I could think of a few answers, but if you read my description you know that I didn't write this poem, it wrote me. I too am looking for the answers.

[emipoemi]

That's why it's so good!! Because you gave yourself to the process, and didn't control it. Poetry is VERY spiritual. If you give yourself to the art, you strike gold every time. If you try to control it, you get s**t. The tweaks still should be done in order to make it absolutely perfect, but it's your best because you let it write itself. Brava!

[emipoemi]

Stanza 2 could read something like this and to some extent fix the problem:

In the middle of it all I stood,
In the storm that would my spirit wrack,
For there was nothing I could do
As one by one they disappeared
And never came back.

(not exactly your words entirely....I tried to make it sound like you as much as possible, but that's the line that would fix the problem in Stanza 2).

[@_av_poetry]

Not bad at all. Thanks for taking the time to come up with something. :)

[emipoemi]

always happy to help