Rune. Prologue.

"His skin was stark white, calescent opaque. He was an Albino."

The Dark Elf tumbled down the Spearheads in ways that should have killed him. The young mountain range was sharp and unweathered, jutting from the earth in jagged peaks like spearheads. He slammed head-on into angled boulders that sent him angling him right into the air, flipping and flying like the rolling rock-slide he started. He bounced off a log sticking out from the mountainside with a hard thud, slid down a steep ravine through sharp brambles that marked him up like pixie claws, then dropped straight off the edge of a sheer cliff. He landed in an odd angle at the foot of the mountain, which kicked him while he was down. Snowcaps had a way of being cold like that.

 

Then the whole side of the mountain caved in, toppling like an avalanche hit by a falling star. Lumps of granite rained down on the dark elf, pelting him in the stomach and skull. Ugh. Oof. That would leave a mark. Then everything finally stopped and the night was quiet again. Dust settled.

 

Dizzy, disoriented, and discombobulated, the dark elf tried to sit up. Shooting pain. He lay back down. Pretty colors danced before his gold eyes, the stars glittered like ten thousand fireflies caught in an ocean sky. He groaned as he ran his fingers through his long silver hair. Warm blood dripped from his pointed ears, dribbling down his neck. His skin was stark white, calescent opaque, completely devoid of skin tone. He was an Albino.

 

Suddenly, angry voices shouted from the higher slopes. Shadows rushed down toward him. Shadows, dark-skinned Hunter Elves with no regard for life, not to mention restraint with dark magic. They skirted down the rocks brandishing spears and signaling each other to surround him. His gold eyes shot wide and he was up and running in a flash, pain-time over.

 

He dashed across the barren mountain baselands springing from rock to rock all the way down to the flats. He leapt over a deep ravine, tucking and rolling back to his feet. Shadows raced after him, chasing him like lionesses in formation, two on each flank and the rest no doubt on his tail.

 

He sprinted toward a dark thicket and dove into the tree line. Needle branches flicked his face as he flew by. A fallen tree leaned against tangled oaks. He darted up the trunk and leapt into the branches, interlocking like they were holding hands. He wouldn't leave a trail on the ground. He sailed to another branch, his weight snapped it like a twig and he fell landing crouched like a predator, then kept running.

 

He burst through the other side of the thicket into more barren rocks, then dared to turn around. Over the far horizon, the sky was turning pink. An orange glow flowed down the mountain spreading out over the land like liquid gold. Growls of Shadows in the trees reached his sharp ears. He turned and fled.

 

The gold blanket hit him like a firewave, heat so intense that his skin flared ruby. His scalp burned. Itchy blistering sensations poked all over his body as he ran. The heat stung like needles, knives, swords stabbing his every pore. Burning. He darted into the cleft of a large rock, the shade instantly relieved some of the pain. No doubt the Shadows had wisely stayed in the thicket. They'd wait for him, they'd catch him when the burning hours ended. He didn't know why he was running from them, but he knew they'd been chasing him with spears.

 

Desperate, he saw only one way to escape them. A dark forest stretched in front of him a mile away. How fast could he run a mile?

 

He went for it, running out into the blistering daylight and sprinting like mad across the dell. He pumped his arms and legs like a gyro wound too tightly. Ten seconds later, he was seeing blurry again. Straight lines edged the corners of his vision, sweltering heat swept over his skin like lava, burning him alive. He stumbled and did a face-plant on the ground. When he got up, he couldn't see a thing. With his forearm over his eyes, he stumbled in the direction he hoped the dark forest was in.

 

A half hour later, he walked straight into a tree. He staggered around it and fled blindly into the forest. His skin had turned hot amaranth, movement was painful. No time for pain. He kept walking, feeling his way along the trees.

 

Then a rush of air whisked by his head, an arrow shot into the trunk in front of his face. Another one wisped behind him. He ran for his life. Then, in the midst of running blindly in any which direction, he slammed head on into another tree and fell face down into ferns. Out cold.

 

Darkness. Rush of blood to the head. More pretty colors, and then voices. Soft murmurs at first that grew louder and coherent.

 

“What is it?” asked a melodic voice. He opened his eyes slightly to see tall shapes standing over him. They came into focus slowly, and he could see their long hair and olive skin. Yew bows were slung over their backs. Forest Elves.

 

“An elf,” said the melodic voice, and the elf it belonged to swooped down to look over him. Three of her hovered in front of his eyes and then materialized back to a single image as the dizziness faded. Her almond eyes studied him intrigued. Another taller elf, clearly male, gasped shocked.

 

“It's a Shadow. Kill it!” he drew his saber.

 

“Wait!” the female stopped him.

 

He lay there on the ground in a daze, fading into unconsciousness. The last thing he saw was the beautiful face of the female, and eyes that peered into his soul. Then darkness.

 

Author's Note

What was your favorite part?

Reviews

This is good, though I did notice some problems. My eyes won't catch everything, but here are some things I saw.

You wrote that the main character was a "dark elf" but later revealed that he was an albino. If "dark elf" is his type, than maybe you should start "dark" with a capital letter.

I had to look up "discombobulated", so you might not want to keep that word. Anyway, "disoriented" gets the point across without the help of such an uncommon word. It's best to keep writing reasonably simple.

I think "dark-skinned Hunter Elves with no contempt for life" should be "dark-skinned Hunter Elves with no respect for life". If someone has no contempt for something, it means that they don't hate it.

I don't get this bit: "hit the ground running". You wrote that he fell. If someone hits the ground running, they stay on their feet.

Despite the problems, I really did enjoy reading this. It has potential to become an excellent story. Keep going!

[Renee Hubert]

It is definitely a "hit the ground running" beginning. The intake of breath only happens at the end of the chapter. Conflict established, romantic interest established--enough to last a whole novel for sure.
The constant simile's trip me up somewhat, but it still works. It would not surprise me if you are a poet as well as a novelist.
I'm not sure if it is intended but it is plain to me that the environment says much about the character, especially in the beginning, with "the young mountain range was sharp and unweathered" (very impressive, if intended). The character is young, newly wrought and untried. This adventure is going to define him. And also I think this is why it doesn't surprise me that he does not know why he is running from them, but I hope it unfolds soon as to why.
I feel an incongruency with regards to his race because he does not identify himself with the ones chasing him, yet he is albino, yet the Forest Elves (or at least one of them) somehow recognize him as a Shadow. Maybe it does not matter because it will be resolved in the next chapter?
Can't wait to read the next installment.

[Seraph Trend]

surprisingly good! I think I haven't been able to read into many of these fantasy stories like this one. Everything concerning grammar or structure has ben noted in previous reviews, so i wont do so. Mainly from my perspective, i found the action to be at a good pace and the descriptions filled the scenes nicely. My advice is to keep writing and keep reading. Master the grammar and style in which you write, or if not just let an editor fix those for you. I hope you further develop the "elf" character in the coming pages because it looks promising. Congrats!

[Clinton D Harding]

Really nice. A great start. Sometimes a punch to the gut is the best way to get a reader's attention and make them turn the page.

I like how everything was confused and coming at me fast. It gave me a sense of what the dark elf was feeling and how he was perceiving his surroundings. So the imagery is good.

Another poster said something about the use of "discombobulated". Not a very commonly used word and kind of sounds silly and out of place in the narrative. I would use something like "disoriented" or "confused", it simpler and easily understood. I believe the other poster said the same thing.

Bottom line: I am intrigued by the story and want to know 'who' this character is and why he's running. Keep that momentum going and you'll be fine.

[MarkGMelvin]

Favorite part,his eyes are gold and he ran threw the trees,This is an excellent foudation
very interesting,superb descriptions of Rune and the landscape.By the way his name kicks a*s,
shweet one and the pic for this book is uniquely interesting.

An excellent write,please keep us posted as to the first chapter.
I most definitely enjoyed reading this.

Peace
wmmelvin

[Johnzo]

This was an exciting piece, but there were a few descriptors here and there that don't quite flow. The opening line itself threw me. When I went back to re-read it I noticed "Spearheads" was capitalized, so it must be a proper name. It might help to clarify that you are talking about a mountain range in the first line.

The line "His skin was stark white, calescent opaque, completely devoid of skin tone." Calescent means to get get warmer, which doesn't really fit. And opaque merely means it's not transparent, so again doesn't really fit when talking about skin. And being devoid of skin tone doesn't quite jive when I read it either, he has skin tone, it's just white. He may be devoid of melanin (assuming elf biology is similar to human), but not having it doesn't mean there's no skin tone.

I was a little confused as well with the description of what I assume is the sunrise. Your use of poetic license might be a little heavy "The gold blanket hit him like a firewave". Is basically "The *metaphor* hit him *simile*" which is a little odd to read. I was also a little confused with the description him being burned in the sun. I'm assuming it's because he is albino that he is instantly burned by direct sunlight, but since there is no description or detail stating that, I wasn't sure what going on at first.

There were also a lot of incomplete sentenced here there "Shooting pain." "Forest Elves." etc. Which if the description was being written in first person might fit, but as a 3rd person narrator perspective I think a more elaborate description would be more effective.

All in all though, it's a very exciting piece. Your depiction of elves I thought was well done and interesting, and the ending leaves it open with a lot of intrigue.

[Joe]

Wow. You are certainly talented. My favorite part was your incredible imagery. I loved, "Then the whole side of the mountain caved in, toppling like an avalanche hit by a falling star." Great job!

[SilentDreamer]

Very nice. Though I beleive the beginning was a bit slow, it was good. The end really caught my attention. I think I will continue to read when you add chapters. Good imagery and I do hope you keep writing soon. :D

[Storygirl]

Vivid and compelling. I interpreted the "Albino" descriptive to stand for naivety. Interesting. A na�ve, dark soul that seems determined -- more than a little misguided, and certainly in dire need of some clarity. You have to admire the Dark Elf's fearless if bungled attempt at self-preservation. The Forest Elf sees soulnessness in the Dark Elf (he calls him a Shadow), but, obviously, the woman does not. I am intrigued and I would love to know what awaits this lost Elf. Does he survive and find his way? My favorite part was the satirical face plants and runs into trees. ;-) Can't wait to read more. Nice job!

[Sans Oblast]

I like this a lot. The imagery and descriptions were vivid, really gave a clear picture of things. I found it quite captivating, I really wanted to know what was going to happen to him.

I did find that a few sentences didn't seem to keep with the overall tone of the writing. Maybe that's just me, I'm not sure, just that through reading a few seemed like they didn't fit in. Again, it might just be me.

Favorite part was probably the chase scene. As I said earlier, quite captivating.

I presume this is the introduction of a full novel? If so, how far into the next part are you?

[Hans von Lieven]

Not a bad start for a story. You have action from the first moment on and you are keeping it going. You'll have to go over this again and polish it a bit more For instance:

He slammed head-on into angled boulders that angled him right into the air, (there has to be a better way to get that idea across)

Otherwise good writing, I'll be looking for the next chapter.

Hans von Lieven