Mel, Myself, and i

A Story by ModifiedMama

Allow me to introduce my self,

A young lady with pale white skin. Honey blonde hair which I dye wild colors frequently, currently with pink and purple on the underneath. Short and sweet my hair lays just over my shoulders, bangs that sit above my eyebrows. A scar sits above my right eyebrow. Bright Blue eyes that reflect the sky. Soft pink lips with snake bites. Smiling really shows my dimples. Light freckles across my nose, which is also pierced on each side. My cheeks are always rosy red. Both ears stretched over an inch with several other piercings as well. Dimple in the chin, what most people call a butt chin. Short, just over five foot. Slim yet curvy. I have been told I have good love handles too. A Few tattoos cover my body, nothing heavily yet. Lots of stretch marks cover my post-partum stomach. A small burn mark on my right pointer finger from when I was a toddler, about the size of nickel. I bite my nails a lot, especially when I am nervous or I have a lot of anxiety so they are extremely short, not much of a nail on any fingers. Sometimes my nervousness causes me to scratch and pick at my neck and I don't notice that I do that until it hurts wherever I'm picking at. Often you can find me staring into space because I'm always questioning and second guessing whatever is going on. I hate that about me. I have a few bad habits I want to change, I have tried to change, somehow they just don't seem to go away. I dwell in the past of where my life could be now, sometimes I get angry with myself because I let so much s**t fly by as if I meant nothing in my own life. Too worried about being something to someone else i forgot about myself. I care more about pleasing others than I please myself. One of my favorite things is attention; for being as shy and quiet as I am I always find myself seeking out attention. I hate that about me too. I have became more accepting of who I am and the things I like and dislike about myself so I can be someone I fully love. I have opened myself up a lot in this last year. Open to anything and everything. There's been some trauma in my life, more so recently than ever before and that really made me think of how boring I am. Its made me sit down and viewed myself in someone else's shoes, that's how I have came to terms with what I like and dislike about myself. That's made me pay attention to what I want in life, what I love and what I should be doing rather than wasting my time away to nothingness. I still want to be something to someone, I want to be a person people look up to; my kids especially. It's hard to accept certain things about myself because I don't want to be that way, that's why I'm trying to change that. I am extremely shy and I have social anxiety. This makes it hard in group settings because I feel nobody wants me their so I stick to myself and it stresses me out. I want to be more friendly, more accepting of people actually wanting to be friends with me. I want to change the way my mind thinks, instead of instantly thinking the worst I want to think of the good. Instead of assuming something is wrong and actually listening to what someone tells me and believe them. I created a bad habit of looking away from people especially when they talk to me, it almost hurts to look someone in the eyes, this bugs the s**t out of me that I do this. I try so hard and force myself to look into their eyes but not even a minute later I'm looking elsewhere trying to avoid eye contact. I can tell my self a hundred times I'm okay and I don't have a problem with whatever is going on. Examples would be something not getting done around the house or having a conversation where I was understanding but didn't agree with the subject of the conversation. I find myself hours after in happening when I was positive it wasn't a problem nothing was bothering me I end up going off about it being a problem. I'm not sure if this has something to do with my mental health but I feel so bad after I do something like that because I swear it was never a big deal, it was never a problem. But here I am making it a big deal. I'm afraid of a lot of things. I think most people are, I mean look at this fucked up world we live in, everything is scary if you really think about it. But I try not to let my fear control me. I try to put myself out there, enjoy life even when life can be s**t. I stress myself out about anything and everything, when I get too stressed I end up getting a migraine. This happens frequently to the point I cannot function when I get a migraine. I have worked very hard on making this change because it has affected me so much its disappointing in my eyes to know that has and will continue to control how my life is going.

All in all I look at myself and the only thing honest I can say about myself is that I'm a good mom. Sometimes I'm unsure about that too, because how can I be a good mom if I am not taking care of myself? I'm not trying to change or better myself for anyone other than myself but I know in the end it will be better for not only be but the ones I love too.

The few people in my life who mean anything to me tell me all the time how great I'm doing and I'm the most selfless person they know, that I am beautiful inside and out, but I don't agree. I don't see that. I don't see the things they see, I see all the things I need to change to be a better me.