Those eyes

Something about the way you make me feel
Feelings that I never knew were real
Something bout the way you make me smile
A smile I haven’t felt in awhile
When I saw your eyes I fell in love
Nobody else can ever come above
The sparkle in your eyes
Gives me life
Please don't ever leave
Because I believe
And I’m quite certain
With you in my life, it’ll never be a burden

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Hello dear poet. When someone eyes, excite our mind and heart. A nice place to be.
"The sparkle in your eyes
Gives me life"
The above lines. We do need and thank you for sharing the amazing for the emotion of love.
Coyote

[Love-Me-Softly]

I appreciate the kind comment!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome dear poet.

[willweb]

I would be willing to bet there has been more love poetry written about another's eyes and always that poetry is beautiful, just as your is today. I, for one, am attracted to eyes and find not only beauty but, mystery, truth and emotions waiting within. Wonderful work here. I might just keep an eye on you. : )

[JayG]

• Something about the way you make me feel

The way I make you feel? That's not what you meant, but it IS what you said. And think about it. If someone you don't know stopped you on the street and told you that someone they like makes them feel things that they don’t define, would you ask them to tell you more, or, say, “”Umm...that’s nice,” and back away?

My point is that this is you, someone the reader knows nothing about talking about you reacting to events you never define. So, what’s in it for the reader?

People read poetry and fiction, to be made to feel and care, as a form of entertainment. They don’t, for example, want to hear that you cried. They want you to give THEM reason to weep...and laugh, and feel all the human emotions—which takes a very different approach than the one they taught us in school, as they prepared us for employment.

You wrote a poem to celebrate love. In illustration of a more efective approach, here's a way of saying the same sort of thing in a way that involves the reader, the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The speaker is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it). 😄

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader is emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line requests to know as how long their commitment will last, then dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you absolutely must tell me, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook. Right?

The response is 100% allegorical. It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had the reader never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Make sense?

There’s another point that this illustrates. Notice that the fact of the rhyme seems almost accidental, an accent, not the point of the line. The rhyming word is the perfect one to express the thought, and while it does its job, it never shouts, “I rhyme!” the way a moon/June pair will.

For more in the tricks of poetry, some suggestions.

For non-rhyming poetry, read Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is brilliant and the book a captivating read, filled with interesting tidbits. You can download a readable copy from the address just below (though not on a phone).
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

For structured poetry, first, go to Amazon and read the excerpt to Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled. Mr. Fry will amaze you with things you never realized, or thought about, concerning the flow or words in a language.

His book is a good one, but I favor another Mary Oliver book. Her “Rules For the Dance,” unfortunately, isn’t free. But it, definitely, is worth the cost.

Sorry my news isn’t better. But keep in mind that nothing I said has to do with talent, how well you write, or anything but the traps that pretty much everyone falls into because the pros make it look so natural and easy.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334