Been

Memories attack when your body is weak

I can draw a line

Through my life

From what you did

To where I am now

 

To want love

That closeness

Of souls not needing

To speak

Sharing breath and

Unspoken secrets

All of my life

In a paper cup

Crushed in careless hands

 

To need protection

Sheltering a life

Walking next to darkness

And feeling like shredded glass

All of my freedom

Wrapped in barbed words

Battered beyond recognition

 

To find that missing piece

The music and the words

All wrapped with authority

And given with fevered hope

All of my future

Bound over in a sea

Of endless grey despair

 

If I could close my eyes

Make a wish

And be with you

On a late summer night

As the sky swam with stars

And you looked at me

With all the innocence

Of a scorpion poised to sting

My heart with promises

 

I would plunge a knife

So deep into your faithless heart

The blood would be there

To this day

And draw the first

Real breath I’ve known

Since you said goodbye.

 

-Zoe Richardson (2021)

Reviews

[Unspoken poet]

I must just say WHOA!! to your last few stanza... outstanding. This is awesome. Really enjoyed this piece.

[Zoe Richardson]

Thank you! That means a great deal to me. Every connection is an experience shared.

[JayG]

• I can draw a line Through my life From what you did To where I am now

I’m really sorry you feel that way. But…do I know you? And what am I supposed to have done?

My point?
1. Knowing neither who you’re talking to, nor what you’re talking about, how can this have meaning, or even arouse curiosity in the reader? Someone we know nothing about is angry with someone unknown. That describes pretty much everyone, so, why should the reader want to know more? There is, remember, no second first-impression.

2. Because you’re talking TO the reader, in print, and there’s not even punctuation to aid us, there’s no way for the reader to tell what emotion you want the reader to place into the words. You know, so it’s there when you read it. You also know the situation referred to. You know the characters. You know the backstory. You even have intent.

But what does your reader have? A sentence broken into four lines, which doesn’t make it poetry. Were that to work I could turn the evening news onto a poem with scissors.

• All of my life In a paper cup Crushed in careless hands

So someone unknown is disappointed in love, and you say their entire LIFE has been destroyed, to the point where they’re considering murder? And the reader is supposed to accept that on faith? Knowing only what was said, what can I conclude but that such an attitude in this unknown person may explain why the unknown person left.

I mean no disrespect, but high school lit-mags abound with such wailings. They call them Dismal Damsel poems. Their hallmark is that they are soften a letter from someone unknown to someone not introduced, reacting badly to unspecified events. And so, while heartfelt, they offer no emotional fodder for the reader, who comes to poetry FOR the emotion a poem stirs IN THEM.

So.... Instead of talking TO the reader about how much your protagonist wants to murder this unknown person, make them say, “That b*****d…someone should murder him!" Make them care by inviting them in, not talking TO them. Don’t talk in generalities. A razor sharp view of an ant at a picnic beats a watercolor of the picnic grove, if that ant embodies the theme.

In school we learn to report, and here, and in many of your works you’re reporting and explaining, as if for a report. Instead, make the reader care, and feel. Focus on emotion, not facts, in such a way they become the reader's emotion.

My favorite example is the lyric to the song, "The Twelfth of Never," released in 1957. Look at the opening stanza:
- - - - -
You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.
- - - - -
Notice the clever trick played on the reader: The protagonist is replying to a question that the reader supposedly asked, placing that reader INTO the poem, as the beloved who has asked that question. And since the question is one we might ask of someone who loves us, the answer is inherently interesting (especially since, if it’s a good answer we might use it).

So with “You ask,” and without realizing why, the reader becomes emotionally involved. To me, that’s brilliant writing.

Next, the line defines the question of: how long will their commitment last, and dismisses it as supposedly obvious. Yet it’s a critical question, so the seeming disconnect again draws the reader in, with the unspoken comment of, "Well yes, you must, because I need to know." So, given the attitude placed in the reader with that thought, we WANT to hear the response, and it feels as if it's directed at us. And that is a HUGE hook.

The response is 100% allegorical. "It says, in effect, “I can’t live without you,” but does it in a pretty, and interesting way.

The question/answer sequence then continues with a clever twist, Love will end, but on a date that’s an impossibility.

It’s 100% emotion-based writing. It calls up context that already exists in the reader/listener’s mind. But even had the reader never heard the expression “like roses need rain,” it would be instantly meaningful.

It’s part of a song, but this first verse, for me, is a perfect example of emotion-based poetry.

Make sense?

The problem behind the problem, as I see it, is that for the author, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in our mind. But too often, every line acts as a pointer to ideas, memories, events, and outcomes, all stored in *OUR* mind, because we forget to give that context to the reader.

Sorry my news isn’t better, but since you can’t fix the problem you don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in here, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Zoe Richardson]

Thanks, but no. I've been writing, revising, editing, and publishing poetry since I was 13. I am confident in my voice and secure in the way I write. I'm not going to start approaching poetry like it's fiction because you say so. I'm contrary like that. I was also editor of my high school literary magazine, and it had everything from haikus to sonnets to soliloquies, and not a Dismal Damsel in sight. I still have a copy, if you'd like to read it.