Murk after Sunset

It's a poem about a patient at the verge of death, expressing the last emotions that the person feels while lying on the bed.

Had I known about my sunset,
I would have appreciated my sunrise.
My life in its entirety is now a regret,
And all I could hear was their deep cries.
Golden hues yield to evening murk,
But I was persistent for my sun's rising whisper.
My eyes closed but my ears tried to lurk,
They call my name as their voices quiver.
The story of my life flashes like a movie,
And the movie ends with my last breath.
My soul is prepared to leave me,
And escape from the series of life and death.
The line stopped reaching its peak,
And they felt my palm's winter chill.
It was no more a game of hide and seek,
And, I left the space with no one to fill.

Author's Note

It's my second poem here and yes, I expect honest reviews so that I can improve. Here everyone are great poets and it will be an honor for me to show all of you my piece of writing. Thank you.

Reviews

[tumi]

A very poignant piece, that leaves a strong effect on my heart,
the point of death is always so sad, you poem was well narrated, easy flow, and good rhythm

[Zoa]

Thank you!

[Omikron]

Oh, I love your choice of descriptive words. I don't think I've ever seen "murk" used in a poem, and so well! Your language and flow is amazing, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem.
Since I got the impression that you actively wanted constructive criticism to improve your poetry, I would perhaps wish for a stronger connection to the story you're delightfully painting. The metaphors are good but the meaning is a bit fleeting and abstract (which is not necessarily a bad thing!). Perhaps it would be a good idea to highlight the emotions behind every sentence. While I as a reader can feel the melancholy permeating throughout the poem, I've always found it to be in my favour to actually incorporate feelings into the fabric of the poem instead of them being a subliminal experience.

But like I said, I'm just speaking from personal preference! And I refuse to believe that you are a complete newbie to poetry, your writing and language is strikingly skillful and vivid, and it's a pleasure to take part in a piece of your literary art.

[Zoa]

Thank you!!

[John the Baptist]

To have such feelings on one's deathbed is terrible. This distorted view of a life has got to come from depression.

[Zoa]

Thank you. Well I tried my best to relate with the emotions that the person feels at the verge of death. Thank you for the review.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

After a beautiful sunrise, we make the day what it will be by how we spend our life.
It can be murky or we can have a clear conscience by living the best we might.
I like your voice...honest...I like the poem.
My suggestion is not to explain the poems....just let your readers gather what they will...much more universal that way rather than the reader seeing it as just YOUR story.
j.

[Zoa]

Ohh thank you so much. Seems like you understood what I was trying to convey. Thank you for the review

[berenongur]

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME?? This is perfect my friend, the feelings are very descriptive and the way you choose words is legendary.The use of rhymes is legendary. And sadness. Very depressing and dark but I could definitely identify with it. It must be amazing to be able to express yourself so beautifully with your words. I'm sure you'll be a popular person here. I loved it. I am definitely looking forward to your other works. Keep going, keep going.

[Zoa]

Hehe. Thank you.
It's amazing that you liked my poem over here and understood what I was trying to convey.
Thank you for the review.

[berenongur]

Have the best day!!!