Guilt

A poem about my life struggling with feelings of guilt.

I remember when I was about three,

I threw a plastic car at my mother.

It hit her in the face and her nose bled.

I said sorry and it was forgotten.

When I was nine I screamed down the phone:

"I really mean it Mummy, I hate you!"

It hurt her and this time her heart bled.

I didn't mean it but I never forgot.

When did "I forgive you" become nothing?

Since when did the happiness of others,

become much more important than my own?

When did I start drowning in so much guilt?

How did I become this creature of pity?

The one who puts everyone else first?

Why is the word "no" so hard to utter?

When  did I start drowning in so much guilt?

I remember being just 12 years old.

When I chose to move halfway across the world.

My friends cried when I told them my choice.

Their tears to this day, hurt my now heavy heart.

When I was 18 and kissed him back.

Even though I knew it would hurt him later.

I almost  made him fall off the wagon.

For that I will never forgive myself.

When did "I forgive you" become nothing?

Since when did the happiness of others,

become so much more important than my own?

When did I start drowning in so much guilt?

How did I become this creature of pity?

The one who puts everyone else first?

Why is the word "no" so hard to utter?

When did I start drowning in so much guilt?

My heart and soul is filled with so much guilt.

Why do I have to care so much about others?

How can I possibly break someones heart,

when I know the guilt will consume me?

You say you love me and I say it back.

I lie to you for fear of hurting you.

I will hurt you. I will destroy you.

And I will continue to drown in guilt.

Author's Note

I don't write poetry very often, only when I'm sad or confused. I just kind of word vomited this. I haven't edited it or anything, just tell me what you think. Does it resonate with anybody at all?

Reviews

[rose jennings]

This is so good! I love it and I really hope you continue to write more!