Stutter

Behind a screen I'm guarded, I'm safe.
Being with you makes me feel safe and that scares me.
I've never known someone so well, I've never been so in tune with someone, to their voice, to their feelings, to their soul.
Behind a screen I can articulate how I feel, and properly organize my words with proper prose and pacing.
Behind a screen I'm protected.
We've had real conversations, but it's mostly you who does the talking,
I have to think while you speak and offer minimal response.
I don't speak because I don't want to stutter.
It only gets bad when I'm completely raw, or really excited.
I'm guarded and scared, which is why you're one of the only people that has ever noticed it.
But, behind a screen my words echo, my words can dance and prance with each line offered up with elegance.

Being with you feels like home.
All I want to do is tell you I love you, tell you how perfect you are, compliment you, hold you, and just rattle off a bunch of stupid stuff, just to put a smile on your face.
I just want to go down the list of the things I love about you, while I gaze at the ceiling of your room, and you stare at me thinking,
"You're ridiculous."

But I don't say these things.
I don't do these things, but instead you're met with snarky remarks, mean comments, and an abhorrent attitude.
Because if I'm not careful, if our dance is not one laced with caution, I'll f**k it up.
I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry for everything.
I know you may be thinking that I have nothing to be sorry about, but I do, and you're just gonna have to trust me on that.

I'm glad you always forgive me though.
I'm glad you're always there for me if I need you.
I'm sorry that I never let you be there for me in the way I'm there for you.
I make you feel like a terrible host, and I never ask for anything, so that probably hurts a little.
I'm sorry that I don't talk about anything with you, that's mostly because it's about you, that just makes me feel weird.
But honestly, whenever you say, "What?" When I'm just staring, it's that I love you.
When we were just talking and laying down, you were just talking and I just couldn't help but think how beautiful you were, in that moment.

Sometimes I don't know what you think of me, or are even thinking about me.
I said I love you, and you said, I love you more, I said that I had loved you more, and all you responded with was, "No."
No explanation, nothing. Just a singular word.
No, what? I try not to read into things and try not to ask questions because I don't even want answers, I'm afraid of answers a lot, there is such a finality to it.
Why do you think you love me more?
That would be assuming that you know just how much I love you, I'm not even sure about the answer to that one.

You don't have to respond to anything, I would even prefer if you didn't. Honestly I just wanted to kind of write it all down.

I love you.

Reviews

[. serah .]

-- i relate to most parts of this post... i stutter too (especially when i have to express emotions)... i tend to resort to sarcasm... i can type but i have trouble speaking in person... -- in fact, i write the things i need to articulate... -- most of my posts are a set of lines that i desperately need to say in person... -- you articulated one of the most debilitating attributes of the human mind rather poignantly... not everyone suffers from it but for those of us who do, this post is extremely insightful...