Idle

Every moment spent idle, I think of you.
You used to be my clarity, my path to sincerity.
I use all these distractions to keep me from tears.
I light up the sadness, but I can’t manage to spark up the rage.
I can’t be mad, it's terrible, unbearable,

I miss you.

I had a dream that it was just you and me, no outside forces acting on us.
All I could do was stare, until you opened your mouth and my words seemed to flow out, dancing and intertwining with yours in an intricate ensemble, but it was all so easy.
The way your hair slightly draped over your face as you laughed at my corny jokes, and the big smile that came on mine that came with the accomplished feeling of making you giggle.
It was all so easy.
But to dream is to dream, and dreams are something we have to wake up from.
We have to wake up and face the harsh reality of our situation, You’re no longer around, and even though it was my choice, I’m still faced with the guilt and sadness that comes from losing possibly the most important person to ever stumble into my life.
I have to face myself each day knowing that I was the one that let go, I was the one that gave up.
The people around me tell me I’m better for it, they tell me that I just need time.
They offer simple phrases life, “Hey, you deserve to be happy” and, “You’re going to be okay.” Others offer more complex sentiments. “You deserve every happiness.” Sad part is, I gave up the very thing that made me the happiest.
But in another light, it was the thing that made me the most distraught.
You.
The thought of losing you was my greatest fear, so I thought giving you up would be easier.
We can cry for help all we want but there is no help for these feelings.
No amount of kind words, and no amount of affection can fill the emptiness.

I miss you.
The honesty we shared, the music we made, even the times I would call when I was bored and you would invite me over to just watch tv.
I miss the feeling I got when you were around.
I miss the way you made me laugh,
I miss the excitement in your voice as you got excited about a new song had heard.
I miss it all.

Reviews

[. serah .]

-- wow... i can't begin to imagine what it must be like to experience this kind of loss... -- i think the human mind is complex and every individual is uniquely complex as well... -- this post gives a reader like me an insight into what it's like to deal with the fear of losing someone by eliminating the possibility of losing someone through a forced/(an) enforced disconnect... and the agony and anguish experienced by the person who inflicts/initiates the disconnect... -- i can't help but wonder what it's like for the other person...