untitled

This story is written raw and unedited. I havent checked it for mistakes as I am testing myself on my ability to tell a story whilst on a 50 min train journey.

My story begins somewhere at the end. Of course it would have to, so from this you know I survived my trial but I wont say in how many pieces. This is it, are you paying attention?

Not so long ago in a town which was/is unremarkable belonging to a country of charm and vast green, pubs and pissheads. Squabbling people and a petty crime rate, cats and dogs, rats and mice you get the picture so I wont insult your intelligeance. Everything was ticking as normal until one day everything stopped by the wire, time had a problem, it stopped. The sky didnt move and everyone just stopped I couldnt begin to understand what I am sure would stump Einstein. I on the other hand still ticked as if my very mortality was no longer governed by time, moving and living. There was simply no way of explaining this and what felt like days was not in the classic sense, night and day was just early afternoon as the clocks stopped exactly 13:56.

In this situation it would be easy to imagine what one would do, steal, play and taunt the sons of b*****s now caught in an amber of perpetual stillness mid argument. Sadly just moment fall and I miss the noise, my inner ear misses it and without it they hurt. 

Reviews

[C.m.v]

What a awesome beginning! I want to read more! I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't even pay attention to any grammar mistakes!

[ValyrieKiennan]

I find the opening sentences problematic; you do not need to tell your reader you have survived - if you begin a retrospective piece, this is assumed! Also the direct address to the reader with "are you paying attention" is not necessary; we have read only 3 lines! Of course we're paying attention!

Pick a tense. If you are speaking retrospectively, in the line "not so long ago" it should read "a town that was". Your list is cut off by a period, and then you continue the list in the next sentence. Lists that go together, should stay together. Intelligence needs a spell check!

I would heavily suggest reading this piece aloud; there is a lot of awkward phrasing/sentences that could be caught by a good read-through.

I am interested to see what you do with this piece!

Cheers,

VK