I wonder what happened to me

Today I woke up to the sinking realization that the burn on my arm has started rotting, and my bandaging it up has only speeded up the process. I still don’t feel anything, not even numbness. This is how I burnt my arm in the first place. So desperate to feel; but even as flames licked my skin and consumed my flesh, I still felt nothing, not even the warmth. I wonder what happened to me.

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I drove up to the lake today. Found a secluded spot by the cherry tree and dug myself a grave. I laid in the grave waiting for death to embrace me. 

What is dead cannot die again, can it? 

The place, it spoke to me. I felt like I was there before, in another lifetime. Déjà vu? Two names craved on the tree trunk inside a heart shaped box. Jese, that name sounds oddly familiar. My name? In another lifetime perhaps. Who is Isabella? Why can’t I remember? 

I wonder what happened to me.

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I tried to eat for the first time today. I made pan cakes, they looked appetizing, they must have smelled great too. I poured in generous amount of syrup, hoping to get some semblance of taste.

I felt nothing on my tongue. Not even the touch of the food. No taste, no smell.

 

I found some old notes. I know now for sure my name is Jese. Still no mention of Isabella. I wonder what happened to me.

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Wight, undead, abomination? What am I? My heart doesn’t beat. I cannot feel. I don’t draw in breath. 

I sleep still and I dream too. A girl laughing, the most beautiful of smiles. In the flashes, I experience sensation. Like a lover’s caress. Yet, I can never see her face, just a blurred silhouette burnt into my consciousness. Are you Isabella? I wonder what happened to me. 

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Did I have any friends? No one ever comes to check up. Sometimes the neighbors pass by. I can see they give my house a wide berth. Do they know what happened? Even I can tell I reek of evil. What dangerous game was I playing? I wonder what happened to me.

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Whenever I try to eat, I throw-up right away. Yet, I eat every day now. I have to eat. Humans eat, right? If I no longer eat, how do I convince myself I’m still human?

Human also have a soul, don’t they? I don’t feel like I have one. I feel like an empty shell. I wonder what happened to me.

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I found more notes today. Research notes. Animating dead muscle. In the end am I so ordinary? Just got caught playing God? Still no mention of Isabella. This place has no pictures. Why does this place have no pictures? I wonder what happened here.

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Someone came to the door today. A girl; she called my name. Jese, she said. I felt the oddest of sensation. A feeling of connection to this woman. Yet, I know she’s not Isabella. For some reason I can tell. If only I can find Isabella, this would all make sense again. Bella… I used to call her Bella. I wonder what happened to her.

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The girl on door never came back. I wonder how long before someone calls the police. I know my body is decaying, it must give off a foul stench. 

Did I love Isabella? If only, I could just remember. I feel in life I was a devoted man. I’m not sure if there’s a God anymore. If there is… Please, tell me what happened to me.

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Not a lover. A child. My child. Isabella. My Bella.

Born with muscle dystrophy. I want to cry, yet my body seems incapable of producing tears. Finally, I know what happened. Why do I still exist? I thought if I could just find what happened, peace will come.

Why did this happen to me?

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Longing to embrace death like a lost lover….

Have I not earned my eternal peace? Have I not suffered enough? How does this end?

I wish I knew. I really do.