Way Away sample chapter.

Somewhere far, far in the hills.
They're behind their walls, and in their mills.
They dwell down in the Dale.
Speaking none, cept long lost tale.
This one little town.
Up from the sky, the boy runs down and around, round', round'.

Chapter One, A hole in the wall.

 

In some remote country, hidden far down in the hills, and the vales was a town.

 

The town was known as Dale.

 

Not a filthy, lonely, unfriendly town.

 

It was Dale and Dale means comfort.

 

The lovely little town was built upon bricks, upon stones, and lay beneath tall buildings and beneath blue skies.

 

On a saturday morning a buzzing alarm clock awakened a young man.

 

His blood shot eyes noted the time to be 8:12.

 

This boy was David Watson.

 

He was a small boy, short for his age~which was nine.

 

He climbed out of his round bed and clambered around his messy room, his curly brown hair flying about.

 

He scrambled together his clothing, which had been scattered across the room.

 

One white shirt(red striped), a pair of markless blue jeans, and black sneakers(slightly scuffed).

 

He left his room as it was as it was the only thing he had that noone else could come upon to judge.

 

He ran down the stairs(nearly tripping) of the brick aparment complex and was soon running through a small crowd that was already developing in the lobby.

 

The lobby was a large room.

 

Scuffed wooden floors met his feet and anchient grand father clocks stared down from the walls at him just ticking away.

 

It was no extraordinary room.

 

A sofa there, a chair here, a lamp or two.

 

Just typical as you'd expect.

 

He was soon scuttling quickly under and around men and women trying to make his way out the wolrd that awaited.

 

Bumping a few strangers along the way he made it well enough to the door.

 

"Hey!

 

Watch it, boy."

 

Called some man from behind as David exited out the pale, oak double doors.

 

All about him was a beautiful town, with beautiful people.

 

Stores, and buildings, and streets lay dancing before him as small cars drove past and children laughed and played.

 

Two men sat arguing by a barber shop a block down the street.

 

A butcher and his helper gathered their latest shipment in front of their store.

 

The street was truely  alive this morning.

 

The sun shown brightly on the curb he stood by.

 

The kind light enveloped him making him wonder if it had been a totally good idea to get out of bed.

 

He decided it had been.

 

Days like this shouldn't be missed for sleep.

 

Once the streets cleared he made his way down the street on that beautiful saturday morning, in June.

 

Where was he going?

 

He was going to the one place he knew that didn't seem so perfect or lucid, like the rest of Dale.

 

It was a a strange place, an enigmatic place.

 

A lonely place filled with mystery.

 

And someday he would solve it.

 

Some time later he came upon a sandy stone wall.

 

It barred him from taking his next step to his destination.

 

He had come to a part of town, that however still beautiful, was quiet and empty.

 

He like the emptiness it held.

 

It was friendly.

 

He looked about, making sure he was alone.

 

He walked towards a large, sandstone building that had small crevice between it and the great wall.

 

Now there were certain advantages to David's size; he could go here and there, and not worry about being to big to fit or to tall to crawl.

 

And like all the rest he managed to squeeze through this crevice with a lack of difficulty.

 

He now came into a narrow space that lay undiscovered behind the massive building.

 

David walked flat against the wall for a few more feet, until he came upon something.

 

A large fissure had been broken into the wall behind the sandstone building by something long ago.

 

It was somewhere between three and four feet high, and one could barely could barely walk abreast through it.

 

Once again, being his size had its advantages.

 

He squirmed his way through the hole having more difficulty than usual.

 

He must've been growing again.

 

Beyond the great was a forest of pine, the ground brown from the needles that fell from the conifers.

 

He stepped softly through the hole looking to and fro to make sure he was alone.

 

He snuffed a sneeze and snuck through the trees trying to be silent.

 

Silence.

 

Yes that was what he strived for so much when he stalked through the forest.

 

He had to always make sure noone had followed him to this place.

 

There were terrible consequences for going outside of Dale without permission.

 

And as you can guess he did not have the permission.

 

After a few minutes of moving through the trees he came into a clearing where the pines drifted apart and the grass was green.

 

He stopped to look slowly about.

 

It seemed clear so he continued on with caution.

 

Twenty or so yards ahead of him was a large brass gate, that laid between two brick walls that stretched out of sight into the trees.

 

He came before the great gate that stood high above his head like a strange monolith.

 

A few hundred feet past the gate was an old, cracked, grass covered courtyard.

 

And past that was an old mansion.

 

The old large house stood yellowishly shining in the rising sun.

 

It had a foreign beauty about it.

 

David sighed softly admiring it.

 

He had always wanted to go into the courtyard and around the odd house.

 

It was new, strange, and exciting.

 

Not as predictable as the world he lived in Dale.

 

He sat upon the ground and surveyed the surrounding clearing.

 

He wished he could leave Dale far behind him and find a new home.

 

Or just live and move where he pleased.

 

He had dreams of grand adventures that he always sought after but never could take hold of.

 

Adventures of mountains, and oceans, and strange lands with stranger creatures.

 

But he couldn't simply up and leave Dale, he was too young.

 

And besides once he left Dale he could never return.

 

The people of Dale didn't like strangers.

 

And anyone who had dwelt outside of Dale, was a stranger.

 

He of course had gone outside of Dale a score of times through the hole in the wall.

 

So this made him a stranger.

 

And if anyone discovered this truth he hid he would be forced to leave Dale forever.

 

Not a day.

 

Forever.

 

And forever was a great deal of time to this young man.

 

He stretched out upon the grass and gazed up at the blue sky.

 

The clouds danced above him like stones flung out upon the ocean.

 

He felt himself slowly sinking away into himself.

 

Thoughts of great adventure filled his heart.

 

He could hear the wind roaring and see the mountain rise.

 

They taunted him, his dreams, just out of reach.

 

Perhaps it wasn't for him.

 

But then a thought dawned upon him.

 

"Why don't I just go?"

 

He asked himself aloud as his eyes began to close.

 

What if he did?

 

He yawned and slowly he slipped away.

Reviews

[Paul B. Spence]

Consider joining a few of those lines together into paragraphs. The single lines make it hard to get a feel for what is going on here.

There is something of Wall in Dale. What you have so far reminds me of Stardust by Neil Gaiman.

Not sure what you were intending, but it helps if something actually happens. Sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh, but you need to study up on the concept of plot.

You characterization is good. The setting defined well enough. It just needs something to happen.

[Angela]

I think you have the beginning of something very good. i also think you would benefit from using more of a typical "story" format with paragraphs. I keep waiting for something to happen. For a crescendo or enlightenment at the end. You are such a talented writer. I can feel the imagery. Please keep working on this. It has great potential.

[Anna]

First off, Thanks for the Review!
Second. I like your plot, the poem at the beginning was well done and really set the mood for the piece. I do have to say your sentences are a bit choppy. You start out with an idea in one sentence and stop and then go again. I think it is safe to do paragraphs instead of one liners. I think the biggest thing that your story lacks is details. For instance when you say "Around the morning hours(8:12 to be exact) on a saturday a boy awoke." Which is it, did he wake up at 8.12 or not. If you say something like: the alarm clock burst into life waking the small boy, he looked at the glowing red numbers, 8:12, time to start the day. know what I mean. you kind of teeter on the details but i do like it very much. It reminds me of several movies but I like it. Oh and two things kinda bothered me, Sorry i'm a stickler about details, you can't have tall grass when you have lots of trees. If you are talking about a pine forest, the grass definitely wouldn't be that high because of all the needles on the ground (sorry) jungles sometimes, pine forests definitely not. I was also confused about the two walls, i just couldn't imagine thier location and such. other than the book i just wrote you. I really like it. If you post more let me know. :)