Katies Last Day

The narrorator is a teenage girl with low self esteem.

Rust colored leaves line the sides of the street as our ’83 Chrysler minivan rolls up to the front of my high school. It’s bad enough that I’m the only student in my junior class of 31 that doesn’t have her own car, but being dropped off by your dad and his minivan every morning is the worst feeling. As I step out of the front passenger side door I am greeted by my best friend, Samantha. “Hey” she says with an odd smirk on her face that makes me feel uneasy.  I tell my dad goodbye and we walk over to the large sycamore tree where all of the students hangout before class. Normally my peers don’t pay much attention to me but today I noticed that they are all looking at me and whispering with the same smirking smile Sam had. “What’s going on?” I ask Sam. “Nothing much, what’s new with you?””That’s not what I mean Sam” I say. “Why are people starring at us?” She rolls her eyes and says I’m imagining things, but I know something is different. The first bell rings and the herd slowly moves towards the school. My first period is English II with Mrs. Riley, and 18 of my fellow juniors. I’ve always enjoyed the atmosphere of her classroom, decorated with swords, shields, and medieval garb. I take my usual seat, pull out a notebook and begin doodling. As the students pour in, I feel as though each one takes a long hard stare at me before setting down. The bell rings and Mrs. Riley walks in, she’s wearing a beautiful scarlet dress that really makes her figure show, she always wears nice clothes. It can’t be, she just gave me the same smile my friends have had on their faces all morning. I begin to sweat, and my surroundings become a blur. Grabbing my bag, I leap out of my chair and head for the bathroom. My whole school is used to this little routine, often I get small panic attacks and have to get to the bathroom so I can pop a Xanax and drink some water to calm down. I wait about five minutes then slip back into class and assure everyone I’m alright. At least this little dilemma seems to have wiped off those stupid smiles. Finally second period rolls around and I manage to make it to math fairly easy, being stopped only a couple of times by other students to see what happened. It’s only been an hour and everyone in the school knows about my attack, I f*****g hate cell phones. Luckily my math teacher, Mr. Frank, doesn’t tolerate talking in his class, so I’ll be able to clear my mind before lunch. Great, fractions, I hate them. After working countless problems, the silence is broken by the intercom, “Katie, report to the office right away”, that’s me? My first instinct is that they want to make sure I’m okay, but as I look around the room I notice everyone has that damn smile again, even Mr. Frank, who never shows emotion. My head begins spinning again, as I walk into the hall; sweat begins to pour down my brow. In between me and the office are three classrooms and the restrooms. I decide to take another Xanax before going to the office, but as I pass the other classrooms I notice that everyone is staring at me, as if they were waiting for me to pass by. It’s too much; I have to get to the restroom. I bust through the door reach into my bag and pull out the bottle of newly filled Xanax. Pop one in and stick my face under the faucet. Thirty seconds later and I’m shaking, I feel worse. My doctor warned me that they can last up to thirty minutes but I’ve never had one over a minute! It’s so bad I can hardly see, and I’m crying now. I grab a few more pills, I’m unsure of how many, and throw them down. Another minute and no better, the office is calling for me again. I reach for more pills but they are gone, did I spill them? The door opens and I hear my dad call my name in horror, he yells for help. By this point my vision is completely gone and I’m trying to figure out why my dad is here. Now I can hear Principal Towers and Mr. Frank calling out orders, something about “keep them in the class rooms” and “hold her head up”. The door opens again and shortly after I’m being lifted by four men. I hear the door bang open next to my head and it feels as though I’m gliding down the hall. Another door bangs open and my numb body bounces down the stairs, we must be outside. Then my eyes open and I begin to float into the sky, I flip over and look down, I can see my dad, crying, and three paramedics and Mr. Towers pushing a cart. My bodies still on the cart, I try to swim down to my dad but I keep floating up slowly, then I notice in the parking lot, a new red Toyota Prius, with a white ribbon wrapped around it, and suddenly I begin to rise faster until everything becomes a blur again.

Author's Note

My first story, needs more detail probably

Reviews

[Ł σ s s σ ғ Ł α �..]

Way to make me feel depressed. -.-;
No, I am only joking, because that's what you are supposed to do right? Strike emotion in your reader? I'd say you did a pretty fine job. It'd be even better with a few touching up here and there, but other than that.. *Thumbs up.*

[Luke Masters]

I like it. I liked the character's inner monologue and was desperately hoping it wasn't headed where it was destined to go. Obviously, paragraphing and punctuation will need a bit of work, but the writing and story is good. I like first person - you can write how you like and blame any peculiarities on the characterand I think it helps provide more detail and flow toa story. Well done to start with. Good luck as you keep drafting.

[WeekendWriter]

Okay.... first, I am no expert. Some of my suggestions are personal choice or preference. But, if nothing else, please know, there is no malice in any negative comment I make and you may not agree with my opinion.... thus, the freedom of speech!

Your first line...'Rust colored leaves line the sides of the street as our '83 minivan'. The way you word this it makes it sound as if the leaves line the sides of the street ONLY AS your minivan rolls by. What might sound better (and remember, there are many ways to say something) 'Rust colored leaves line the street our '83 minivan travels everyday'.... or something with more flair, 'Rust colored leaves dance through the street as our '83 minivan'..... The reason the word 'as' works in my second example is that the leaves actually do dance 'as' the minivan passes whereas, the leaves don't line up 'as' the minivan passes. Do you see what I'm saying?

You use the expression 'by this point' further down in your piece. I would eliminate that phrase and try something else. Maybe... 'Now'. by this point sounds like you're reciting, not writing. You want to show and tell, but not dictate your story.

'My whole school is used to this routine'.... school is a building, better said, 'my classmates'... or 'my routine didn't phase anyone anymore'...... the reader knows everyone means the 'kids'....

'Bodies' should be 'body's'.... Bodies mean multiple.

'I tell my dad goodbye and we walk over to the sycamore tree'..... Sounds like you tell your dad goodbye but you and 'your dad' walk over to the tree. YOu might want to rephrase, 'I tell my dad goodbye before and Samantha and I'.... or with a little more visual, 'With a quick twist of my hand, I wave my dad off as Samantha and I head for the tree...'

These are a few suggestions that might help. My best advice is to re-read everything you write. Reading aloud helps some people to get a new perception.

I like the description of the classroom.... give people a visual of where your characters are, not just what they're doing.

Rotate sentence length... examples 'My head begins spinning again, as I walk into the hall; sweat begins to pour down my brow.' Try a period after 'again' and start new sentence with 'As'.

Another.... 'Finally second period rolls around and I manage to make it to math fairly easy, being stopped only a couple of times by other students to see what happened.' Try a period after 'around' and begin the next sentence with 'I'.

Alternating between long and short sentences not only makes it easier to read, but it will lower your Flesch Kincaid averages. The lower they are, the easier the read.

You aren't pretentious in your writing, meaning, you don't try to wow the reader with five dollar words or talk down to them with complex thoughts. Keep that up! What most publishers look for from the average novel is fifth grade reading level.

I hope this helps. These are only pointers but keep one thing in mind. Some of the best writing I've ever read came from people who broke the rules with flair. I've always heard it said that to break the rules, you must first know them.

Best of luck to you....

In reading and in writing ~Kathy
Another

[Lucy<3]

I like the story. There is some dialouge error, but I'm not always gramaticly correct, so I am not going to hound you on that. I like the way you have a suspenceful build up of tension. The mystery of what was to come. I loved how you described Katie drifting off into the unkown.