Tick Tock, Who Am I

Time runs by
In a slow frozen wave

I sit here day by day
Things zip by, then seem to slow

My mind races,
To gather all the information

Each day I learn more and more
But hide from it

I've come to realize that I've messed up on many things at many times.

I do things to help block those thoughts and urges away. I cant seem to explain it to myself that I'm not who I am when I'm not really sure of who I can be.

Who I am?
Who can I be?

Am, past reference
Be, future reference

At this very moment, I am still unsure of who I am.

I neglect emotions and turn feelings down to nothing.
I've let my emotions and feelings run wild before and got hurt.

I hate who I am
I hate who I can be
I hate myself period

My hate and anger funnels through me, I thrive off of others pain, anger, and hatred. A sick disgusting trait for a person to have. But I've grown and control this trait. I'm an a*****e to the core but I'm caring and considerate. I help those I care about and make people laugh when they need to smile. I enjoy making people laugh. I enjoy seeing others smile.

But I miss being able to rightfully smile.
I miss what use to be there.

I see my closest friends have the worst days but they still come through it so happy and joyful. Whats the key to that?

I may get through the day with content, but I can feel something inside me stir, crumble and cascade on itself. I'm beginning to lose all understanding in myself.

Beginning to lose sight of my last bit of sane sanity.
I now know the lost feeling of despair and agony as the darkness chokes you and claws at your heart.

I've embraced the darkest of darkness and have let it consume me.

For this I am who I am now
Unknown to oneself and ever watchful at what I do.

I've made one too many mistakes and I'll make more. But I will not repeat those I have done already.
I've gotten stronger through my pain.

But yet
I still cannot see or understand my emotions and feelings
They call out a lot now

And now I understand that at this moment
Who I am.

I'm sad.
 

Reviews

[Jessica M.]

this... this is amazing,
the way you made darkness tangible
and emotions capable of running away.
i wish you could rightfully smile
because you obviously have something to work with
that so many people these days lack.
:]