Abe's peaceful life is shattered when a girl named Margret comes to his peaceful meadow.
The Opening
In this world there are three gates, after you have passed on you are
still ushered along across the ground, even if the ground is not
familiar. They push you in front of beings beyond your comprehension
and you are judged and told which gate to go through. The three gates,
the first gate San'shi, the gate of heaven. Iaoth, the greatest warrior
angel that inhabits the kingdom of heaven, guards it. San'she the gate
of hell, guarded by Bael Satan's strongest lieutenant. Finally San'sha
the gate of purgatory guarded Zentri, king of the satyrs, the beings
that inhabit purgatory. These guardians stand on an eternal vigilant
looking out onto the dominion that they protect.
Though if that were simply it, if they're standing there eternally
keeping their realms separate why would you be reading these words, no
there is much more than that. Because there is not three gates, even
though only three have ever been used. There is indeed a forth gate,
maybe not as grand as the thousand foot high golden gates of heaven's
door, or as ominous as the gates of hell built from the back bones of a
countless mortals. Though this is not to say it is a bad door by any
means, but it was simply a nice oak door, smooth to the touch and
smelling of varnish. The brass knob set into the door, dusty from
non-use. The door frame was nice to; a nice sensible white paint adorned
it.
A man was sitting on the ground by the door; he sat there leaning against the
door with his eyes closed, his brown hair falling on front of them so
that they slightly obscured his vision. Though even if his vision
wasn't obscured it wouldn't have made much of a difference, there was
not much of a world to look out upon. Just low lying grass clinging
along the ground, well kept and green as if cared for by a gentle hand.
Every so often a tree would protrude from the landscape and stretch up
towards the sky. Well if you could call it a sky. It was just a faintly
glowing whiteness extend to each non-existent horizon.The horizons were non-existent because, after a few
hundred yards extending out from the door, the landscape seemed to suddenly
taper off. It didn't really just disappear, it just lost detail and became fuzzy. If you were
to walk off into the non-horizon you would eventually find yourself
walking back into the meadow.
He sat there dozing against the frame unaware of the world around him,
for he had never had to be aware. No one came to the meadow. No one disturbed him. He was simply able to sit there and tend to his trees when the time came. Though in the days to come, being aware of his surrounding might be a useful skill.
Out of the non-horizon a figure began to congeal, lines from the trees
and grass seemed to wind around the figure to add to it's substance
while taking away from the plant's. The plants slowly faded into non-existence, as this figure solidified it's own.As the figure drew closer to the meadow, it became distinct and sharp, and then the lines stopped.The figure was fully formed, and she stepped into the grass of the meadow.
She walked confidently towards the sleeping figure. With the slight skip in her step of a person without worries, she made it to him. Getting
closer to the man now seemingly trying to act quite she squatted down
next to him.
"Heya!" she yelled into his ear. The man stated and jumped back away from the woman, desperately using his elbows and attempting to crawl backwards away from her while keeping her in view. His eyes were wide
with panic."W-who... Who are you?!" He said in a slightly pleading voice, still trying to drag himself away with his elbows.
Okay- this is a great beginning to this story and will continue reading.
That being said, these are the mistakes I have found so far:
1. During the talking about the fourth gate, in the line- ' as ominous as the gates of hell built from the backbones of ( a ) countless mortals. The word " a " is unneccesary.
2. Getting closer to the man now seemingly trying to act 'quite'