The Commencement

Opening of the book. A man wakes up to find a clone of himself. Does not answer his questions.

                Today I woke up like I usually did: Got up around 7am, took a shower, grabbed my daily ration of cigarettes (even though I did not smoke), and got dressed.  It was normal breakfast of cereal and a grapefruit. I went to go change into my work clothes. While I was doing this a strange light was protruding from underneath my bathroom. As I walked to investigate the strange phenomenon I was startled to find out that the door was opened. I crept peeked into the bathroom to see a naked man laying on my floor, but not just any man a man who looked exactly like me in every sense of the word. I have heard of the strange things that the government will do when you’re little. I mean they were just stories that parents told there little rug rats to scare them into behaving well for the time being. But, to actually have the proof standing right in front of me with every little detail grooved into his white exterior. He had everything I did. He had the scar from when I fell down the stairs into basement. He even had the same wrinkles dimples and everything about him but, there was an odd aurora that preceded him like he wasn't supposed to be here with me or in the fact of the matter here anyways.

                I blinked my eyes a couple times until I was sure that the image was real and seeing upon that, I was ready to confront my mysterious intruder.

"EH, what the f**k are you doing in my f*****g apartment?" I yelled at him.
I received no reply unless you call him slinking to the floor like a rag doll a response but, nevertheless I took this opportunity to investigate my so called "brother".

                The shock of a life time came when I was done inspecting him. He was me, literally. He was a living breathing photocopied replica of yours truly. I was freaking out my heart was racing and every time I looked at him it was me looking back. Eventually the thing woke up from his little fainting spell.He responded to my question in the most respect I could get from a literal child.
                "I was running away from the bad guys and well, I had only one place to go and that was my place."

                Shocked, I replied "Your house? This is not your house this is MY place I pay the rent. It's my DNA that is on the rent papers. Why the hell is it your place because right now I can pretty much say that it is not even close to your place. So, let’s rephrase my question that you answered wrong the first time. Ahem. What are you doing in my simple little apartment?"
Silence.
                "No answer? Not even one little grunt or moan to tell me you hear me?"
                Then, he spoke.
                "The men in the laboratory said I would inherit you. I have no idea what that means, but in this strange sense I have a notion to kill you."

                "Wha-What do you mean 'kill me'?" I replied stunned and slightly scared.

"The men said I would have to become you for the betterment of our society."

                "What fricking society are you talking about? We have no society we are a free group of people with only a few set laws to abide by. Besides the council and the police there is nothing for us to fear."

                "I don't know what a society is but, they said it was important to complete. After all they said I was an agent of change."

                By now I was completely and totally confused. Society, laboratory, twin brother, and the men what was going on here? I was beginning to understand why he was here and well that was rather blunt of him to say. But, this notion of saying it aloud for me to hear makes me believe that I should help this poor doppelganger. In my sense I began.

                "I only have one question to ask and ask it I shall and you shall answer it. Why are you here to kill me?" I asked.

                "It is time." was all he said.

                "What do you mean it is time?" I implied.

                "The end of your and everyone’s lives. That is what it is. It is what it is so please appease this command or else I will have to get physical."

                "And what command is that."

                "Assimilate or die.” He stated that so bluntly that it shook me to the core and I had no way to respond to it. I agreed to come with him to the place we he came from and well I was sort of shocked when I got there. The building was small about one floor and on that floor was a machine which was quite weird in its dials and what not. The machine was about ten feet tall and about five feet wide. It was polished onyx chrome and it had a side mounted computer. I took a quick glimpse at the computer and it only had the pressure and what not being read as well as the power level and out-put. Next we came around to the dials and by what I could see were all set on max. I had an odd sense of pride as I passed the machine. The only normal thing that was there was a group of people standing in line. He put in the back of the line. I was with the other new arrivals with their "twins". I began to ask my fellow captives about their situation and it was all the same. They had no idea why they were here. Many of them were beginning to panic and in all the mayhem it seemed like a good idea. Until, the machine began.

It was the most horrible noise I ever heard. If you ever want to hear it, just throw your keys into a blender with an alive baby, with a hint of rum. The machine gave me this feeling of familiarity, but I still had no idea what it did. The only thing I began to see was a person would go in and then come out different. I don't know how to describe the change but it was there and it was unsettling. Three armed “twins” guarded the mouth of the machine and when a person went to the other side they walked out of the back door like nothing even happened or that there was nothing that was odd. Soon it was the person next person’s turn and well she went kicking and screaming into the machine and came out calm and serene without a care in the world. Also, she had changed her outlook -- everything changed. As I saw within my "brother" I began to see what was happening, the "society" was change and my brother wasn’t a brother he was my clone. A very odd fact to discover now but hell; It all came all too quick and all too soon. It was my turn. My last thought of myself. My last whatever. I entered.....

                It's a strange feeling having watching you getting changed into an already serene person. It was worth it. For me my "brother" made the right choice so now the society will begin. As he exited the machine I watched as he entered out the back. I followed. He took the necessary turns and everything. He ended up in a big ditch and I stared hard at the surroundings. It was all coming to plan. All was happening to my liking the people were being executed just as I planned. All that would oppose me were now fertilizer for my victory garden.

First things first. I need to begin to assemble my party more thouroughly. I thought to myself.

Author's Note

Anything you deem necessary. I know there is a bunch of errors. This is from my notes on Facebook. So, i haven't been able to fix yet.

Reviews

[Weaver]

comma after "While I was doing this"
"strange light was protruding" - "protruded" - "Strange" is a rather vague word. Is there some way to describe it more vividly? It is strange in color, brightness, or in its unexpectedness?
comma after "strange phenomenon" - again, what is "strange"?
"I crept peeked" - delete one of these verbs
"man laying on my floor"- "lying"
"not just any man a man who looked" - dash or comma or something after "just any man"
"I have heard of the strange things that the government will do when you’re little." - Haven't we all? :) Although I do wonder why the narrator assumes that this double must be because of the government's "strange things." Surely there are other possible explanations that he would consider as well. - "you" is awkward here - sentence may need rewording
comma after "I mean"
"parents told there little rug rats" - "parents told their little rugrats"
"But, to actually" - no comma - this is an incomplete sentence and may work better to trail off with ellipses...
"He had the scar..." - You do know, don't you, that cloning alone won't cause this kind of duplication?
"stairs into basement" - "into the basement"
comma after "wrinkles"
"but, there was an odd aurora" - no comma - do you mean "odd aura"?
comma after "preceded him"
"or in the fact of the matter here anyways" - I have no idea what this means - "anyway"
"seeing upon that" - "seeing that"
comma after "no reply"
"a response but, nevertheless I took" - "a response, but nevertheless, I took"
"my so called "brother"" - "so-called brother" (no quotes) - Why "so-called"? And who is present, other than the narrator and his (so far) unspeaking double, to call the double his brother in the first place?
"life time" - "lifetime"
"He was me, literally" - Yeah, we got that.
"living breathing photocopied replica" - "living, breathing, photocopied replica"
period (full stop) or semicolon after "freaking out"
comma after "heart was racing"
comma after "looked at him"
"in the most respect I could get" - ??
comma after "bad guys"
comma after "one place to go"
comma after "Shocked, I replied"
period after "not your house"
period after "MY place"
"It's my DNA that is on the rent papers" - cool idea - although it doesn't prevent a natural clone (twin) from "signing" for the apartment instead
question mark after "Why the hell is it your place"
"in this strange sense I have a notion to kill you" - really awkward
"We have no society we are a free group of people with only a few set laws to abide by" - Is this meant to show the narrator's ignorance of what the word "society" means?
"ask it I shall and you shall answer it" - This doesn't sound like the same person who a bit earlier said "I was freaking out." Too formal and convoluted. Maybe he does switch speech patterns sometimes - some people do - but it doesn't come across as that being the reason.
"appease this command" - what???
"polished onyx chrome" - In this case, I think "black" would work better than "onyx" (which is a specific material, like chrome, and could cause some confusion)
"the pressure and what not" - "whatnot" - Pressure of what? Air pressure? Water pressure? Pressure of the earth weighing down on the upper levels of this secret, underground mad-scientist lair?
"He put in the back of the line" - "put me"?
"beginning to panic and in all the mayhem" - This would be a good opportunity to describe some of the scene in more detail: SHOW the panic and mayhem. Don't gloss over events so quickly.
"an alive baby" - "a live baby"
"the person next person’s turn" - delete first "person"
"Also, she had changed her outlook"- How does the narrator know this?
"my brother wasn’t a brother he was my clone" - I object strongly to this remark. A clone is only an identical twin who was born later. Genetically, there is NO DIFFERENCE. Since an identical twin IS a brother (or sister), so is a clone.
"It's a strange feeling having watching you" - ???

I didn't proofread everything, but there should be enough to show where the problems are: missing punctuation, mostly, and some awkward word choices.

Why did you begin with the viewpoint of the original (instead of the clone) just to kill him off and switch to the clone as your narrating character? It makes sense for a short story - if this was all there was to it - but not for the start of a novel.

I dislike "clones are evil" stories. For one thing, there is NO rational basis for that concept. Also, a clone is only identical genetically; anything that comes from life experience - physical scars as well as memory - cannot be copied this way.

[Tripp]

I still love it, Babe:)
Just fix the errors, Give names and keep going is all I have to say!