The 1st Epistle of Bryce the Apostle

An introduction of sorts.

Ezekiel Bryce, a servant of Christ Jesus and set apart for the gospel of God - the gospel he promised beforehand through his prophets in the Holy Scriptures regarding his Son, who as to his human nature was a descendant of David, and who through the Spirit of holiness was declared with power to be the Son of God by his resurrection from the dead: Jesus Christ our Lord. Through him and for his name's sake, we received grace and apostleship to call people from among all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith. And you also who are among those who are called to belong to Jesus Christ.

To the purported "Christian" Church in Tranquility, to those absolved from sin by the grace and mercy of our Lord Christ Jesus, and to all who seek and respect His doctrine and call on His holy name:

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

I would like to begin this discourse by congratulating you on the tenth anniversary of the dedication of your place of worship, and offer my best wishes for the continuation of its existence. God bless and keep you.

However, I find myself increasingly disturbed by the policies and activities undertaken by your institution of faith. I can no longer consider your church family equal to mine, a redoubtable example of Christian fellowship and brotherhood. Your coexistence as an example of Christianity, I fear, is evanescent and bleak at the most. I can only pray for your eventual repentance and consecration once more in the name of Jesus Christ.

By this point, you may be wondering: "But Brother Ezekiel, your claims are so vague and tragically baseless! How can we even hope to change our hopelessly dimwitted minds unless you offer some explanation, some rigid dossier, of our crimes against the Holy Father and his eternally righteous son?"

Verily, I say unto you: This is the very reason I have written you today.

In light of recent events regarding the tragic suicide of a certain "Jonathan Potrafke," my objections begin to take form. Being a close friend and ex-Brother in Christ of poor Mr. Potrafke, I regretfully attended his funeral several weeks ago in order to pay my dearest respects. It was during the service, just before the closing and the delightful cold cut meal following, that I overheard Brother Chris Barkley (your good and faithful pastor, I assume) say something quite unnerving. I have included a verbatim copy of the oration on tape and enclosed it with this letter, however, for the sake of facility, I will quote the line once more:

“Rest assured, we will see Jon again someday. When we rise up into glory above and meet our Father in heaven, he will be there, waiting for us, and all of our mourning will have paid off. So let us cry today and sing praises tomorrow...”

I am sorry to inform you of the sheer inaccuracy of this proclamation. To suggest that a vile delinquent, a misguided child of disobedience, should take his life and receive the gift of heaven and the glory of God, is an appallingly incorrect statement. Allow me to offer a revised, accurate summation of the funeral service that would acceptably transmit our Lord's feelings on the matter:

“Our prior friend and brother in Christ has fallen into Satan's hands and is now burning, in great and terrible agony, in the fires of hell. Let of scoff at his fate and resume our duties.”

This, my brothers, is proper Christianity, the kind which you are being notably recalcitrant towards, which will result in your eventual destruction in the name of God and all his glory. You cannot survive as long as you continue to perpetuate such lies in your community. Already the youth are knee deep in corruption and self-destruction, and if your dishonesty continues, surely they will all succumb just as their brother Jonathan did.

The self-murder of Jonathan Potrafke is only the most notable of many sins committed by your filthy youth congregation. The corruption and disintegration of your children is despicable. Had he the time and patience to deal with such virulent sinners as yourselves, he would surely smite you from the planet without a second glance. However, he is merciful, praise the Lord.

It is now the point in my letter at which I make my clearest, most direct point. Having seen and directly experienced the sad decadence of your youth community, I have decided to make a final and absolving decision: Enclosed along with this note is a list of twenty particularly carnal members of your abominable youth church. Each one is between the ages of fourteen and seventeen, and each one has committed an especially deadly sin.

In order to emphasize the deadliness of their crimes, unless the Tranquility “Christian” Church immediately makes amends to its present administration of sin and deceit, I will personally eradicate each and every child on this list. In doing this, I understand I am performing a great and unforgivable sin, but I can only pray my God �" the God you tragically fail to respect �" will forgive me, seeing as I am eliminating the weakest links of his people.

I offer you, in my mercy, seven days to prepare.

The churches in my province send you greetings. All my brothers here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss.

I, Ezekiel Bryce, write this greeting in my own hand. If anyone does not love the Lord �" a curse be on him. Come, O Lord! The grace of the Lord Jesus be with you.

My love to all of you in Christ Jesus.

Amen.