Farewell

A young boy wakes to find his father gone. His mother lies distraught in the kitchen. His baby sister is asleep. Then he finds a letter, pinned to his hat, starting with 'Farewell...'

The room is still dark when Ryan wakes.

The first thing he notices is that everything is black: the room, his mood, the hallway. He is pissed at his father for being so loud last night, and annoyed that his mother didn't do anything about it. He rolls over and checks the alarm clock. 4:30 flashes in green, so he gets out of bed. He stomps into the hallway, not caring if he wakes Emma. The baby can't do anything about it.

The second thing he notices is that the kitchen light is on. He walks into the kitchen to find his mother sprawled on the floor beside a broken chair. Tears are leaking out from under her eyelids and her body is shaking. Her mass of black curls is spread everywhere, and she is wearing pale denim shorts. She is wearing a grey woolen half shirt, that from her waist to the ends of the sleeves is like bat wings. Her right sleeve has slipped up to reveal a large bruise blossoming. Blue flashes in front of Ryan's eyes as he takes in his mother's emotion and helps her off the floor.

'Ryan,' she chokes. 'Your father had to-go...away for a while. I don't know when he will be back.' She stumbles to the door, running into the frame, and stops in front of the dresser just outside the door. She waits a minute, before continuing up the stairs and back to her room.

Ryan sees red as he realizes what his father has done. Abandoned them. Like a criminal.

He sits in the kitchen until light touches the room.

Then upstairs's silence is shattered by a scream.

Grey fear scuttles across Ryan's vision as he scrambles up the stairs. What happened? Had his father returned? No, Ryan would've seen him come in. But he can't stop the sick feeling that has crept up his throat.

His mother stands in Emma's room, her mouth open in an 'O' of shock. The baby is motionless. Ryan creeps closer and sees the pink sheets stained black, and a bloodied hammer laid neatly next to Emma, whose head is in caked in blood. Ryan leans closer to her; she isn't breathing.

A howl rips out of Ryan's throat: his innocent, baby sister, dead before she turned one.

'He did this, didn't he,' Ryan says, shoulders heaving. 'Didn't he?!' He turns to his mother and shouts.

She is frozen, but jerks her head. Ryan is silent, then whips out of the room and down the stairs.

All he can see is red as he throws his father's pictures against the cupboard under the stairs.

'Ryan!' His mother screams, seeing what he is doing. 'Ryan, stop!' But he can't, not until he has shattered every photo on the dresser of the traitor and murderer that was his father. His mother is crying again.

'Ryan!' He runs out the door, panicked now, scared that he made his mother cry. He grabs his hat and runs.

An advantage of living in the countryside was that there was endless fields to run. As Ryan sprints through the long grass, he notices something digging into his hair. He stops to take off his hat. A note is pinned there. Ryan unfolds it, confused.

'Farewell, Ryan, my son. Love, Dad.' Ryan balls the paper, collapses, and starts to cry.

Reviews

[Michael Keyes]

This is attention-grabbing stuff. Firstly, only a few grammatical things:

.Was writing this in present tense a deliberate choice? I think it reads like a screenplay this way.

."Then upstairs in shattered by a scream." This line makes no sense. Should it be something like, "Then the silence upstairs was shattered by a scream."?

."...whose head in caked in blood." Should this be, "...whose head is/was caked in blood."? (Again, not sure if you deliberately went for present tense.)

."...dead before she could turned one."

."She is frozen, but jerks his head." Who's head is this referring to? Was it meant to be the mothers or Ryan's?

."But he can't not until he has shattered every photo on the dresser of the traitor and murderer that was his father." Two issues with this sentence. First, I think it could be better as two. "But he can't. Not until..."
Second, I think its structure could be edited. "...every photo on the dresser of the traitor and murderer that was his father." Perhaps, "...not until he has shattered every photo on the dresser, every photo of the traitor and murderer that was his father."

Other than those issues, this is arresting stuff. It's shocking and dramatic. I think someone reading this would be compelled to finish it.

[Zabella]

Yes, present tense was deliberate.

Also, sorry about 'upstairs in shattered by a scream,'. I'll change that, and fix 'she is frozen, but jerks his head.'

As well as your fourth point.

Thanks for the review! I wouldn't of noticed those mistakes if you hadn't pointed them out!

[Zubi]

You are right, Michael Keys. I love it.

[Lizardo]

Holly cow, Man and Damn what a story you have here!
Dark, interesting makes your heart pound faster and keeps the reader insterested!
Great piece of work!

[Zabella]

Thanks! =)

[Zubi]

:o That should be a book. I think it should be a little longer, so you find out why the dad left and killed the baby. It is quite intense and it really makes you think about how Ryan must feel. Love it.