Permitted Happiness

Sometimes I wonder...am I allowed to be happy?

Did the beautiful chose to be that way when God asked them in Heaven? Did the smart chose their path too, and the hilarious had the same option?

   What of the people that are all of the above?

   I've seen so many people mask their sadness with happiness, that I'm starting to think true happiness does not exist.

   Are we allowed to be happy?

   The smartr are jealous of the beautiful for their looks, and jealous of the hilarious for their popularity. Sure, they say the nerd always gets places in life, but does that make them happy? You see them all of the time, the soul-sucking CEO's that want to demolish ten acres of forest area for some useless project. And they're empty inside.

   I try to think of someone who is TRULY happy that I know, and I just can't. I used to be, but then I started thinking.

   I think too much. Sometimes I'm sure that I'm blockading myself from my own happiness. But to not think of things is to be ignorant, and though it is bliss to be in that state, nothing can ever be fixed if it is overlooked.

   See? I think too much.

   I used to be depressed, wondering why there was even a planet. Why there was even anything that existed. What was the point? I wanted a therapist for a while, but then I got afraid that maybe I would make him/her depressed too.

   Sometimes I don't feel anything. I'm just numb in thoughts. I open windows to feel the breeze, because to feel something REAL offers me release. Why was I given such a philosophical mind? Everyone has a piece of their brain that asks them, "Are you TRULY happy? Stop shutting me out. Answer me. Don't drown me out with music or another escape. Stop trying to convince yourself that you're satisfied. You're not. You never are."

   Sometimes, I consider doing bad things just to feel something. But I'm such a coward I know I never will.

   Living in the moment. I've always found that hard. Either I think back on a time, or I'm trying to look ahead. I'm getting there, to living in the moment. But it seems like I'm taking two steps forward and one step back.

   I'm rambling, but I need to. I need to vent. This is how I've been feeling. Am I the only one questioning true happiness? I wrote all of this because I want to know the answer to that very question.

Author's Note

The structure of this is so off, but I just wanted to spill out all of what's been on my brain lately.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

I can easily relate to what you've said here, having pondered such things myself. Happiness is often illusive, and when it's found, too weak or too little of it. I decided some time ago that happiness is relative and that you can choose to be happy if you want to. For the prisoner, a walk in the woods is paradise. For the starving, it's a good apple. For the lonely, it could be no more than a friendly chat with the Walmart greeter.

[Collette Paige]

This really hits home with me, I think these kinds of things all the time and I sometimes wonder if anyone else does. To know that they do brings a kind of relief, but to know they can write what they feel so WELL makes me even happier haha

(sorry for the late review D:)