The Visitor

A very old piece of mine, one of the first, written when I was around 11, I was sent to the school counselor after submitting this for a poetry assignment.

"And in the end we'll weep and wail
                      because our lives are doomed to fail..."
 
 
 
 
 
"The Visitor"
 
I had a vision in the night,
I saw a light,
T'was burning bright,
Above my head,
As I lay dead,
(Or so I've said but do not dread I was not dead)
I lay asleep,
I had a peep,
Up at this star,
A brightened scar,
Against the sky,
(It was espied inside my eye I do not lie t'was in the sky)
And as I watched, it fell to earth,
And what a girth!
As if the night had given birth,
It filled the air,
And raised my hair,
(But I approached it's shining lair and look what I discovered there!)
Not a star celestial,
But a thing more bestial,
Sixteen feet from wing to wing,
A pure and good, yet saddened thing,
And she did make me feel a king!
(For she was young and with a word she held my tongue, oh the songs I could have sung!)
For then she knelt,
And sure I felt,
Of all the cards I had been dealt,
This was the best.

 

Author's Note

Ah the days of primary school prose. This is a nostalgic one and bear in mind I was only a child when I penned it! If you're gonna mistreat it, beat it.

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

I am and will be, I guess, more than fascinated if not infatuated by the reality of dream within a dream, death becoming, who is there? dynamic. I confess is nothing but my droning mind for Poe's ability, I only wish. I guess that is my way of saying I was already attracted to your writing by word number three (sorry I am a little slow that way, I needed the first two). And from then on I rather not deleve in figurative conformity as for me this needs to be let out free. If it was to mean one thing or the other to me will defeat the point of the offering. It is in beholding and waiting to see the message that comes to you where the magic of this type of wrting can be found.

Did you take Lenore by any chance?

Thankyou

[Christopher Robin]

Thank you as always for your kind words and commentary. This was long before I'd ever read Poe's 'Lenore' and was taken from nothing more than a half remembered dream. I was childish enough to not understand the subtext behind what I had written until much later. Yet for me, art is the piece itself, not the story behind it so feel free to take any interpretation you like away from it. My own is that if ever we were to encounter an angel, they would be anything but what we suspect.

-Robin

[Rene Salinas]

Thankyou for sharing that mate. In that case your original intention miles apart and it sheds more light that my infatuated one.

[Jyoti_Ablaze]

Astounding piece..! I am all amazement. This is a work of an 11 year old..!
I liked the start,
"And in the end we'll weep and wail because our lives are doomed to fail..."
The style is giving a surreal feel to the poem..! And the gloomy undertone is working wonders.
Great job talented poet. Thank you for sharing this..! Enjoyed the read!

[Shweta Shah]

This one reminds me of the movie and novel..."Stardust".
The poem absorbs you till the very end..From the beginning, the reader anticipates something wonderful is going to happen.
And then you do it...You make it happen!
The imagery is very apt,as if, it's happening right in front of my eyes.
Fabulous write!

[Frontier]

This is quite extraordinary for a child to write! Its a shame they sent you to the counsellor, I would've been so proud as your teacher haha.

Not much to comment on, I feel the entire thing was great and the rhyming, perfect with a very interesting melody.

[Briana O'Connor]

Pretty darn good for an eleven year old. Does not seem that someone so young could produce such a flawless right. I saw only one part that swayed the rhythm, but this was almost perfect. I was sent to the counselors office a lot for my writing lol, although I'm not sure what they were so concerned about on this one....

[Avanthika]

Gosh that was school poem , i couldnt even write one of such kind in my older days, that was a great work

[Jenney Clark]

You were a kid when you penned this ? Death in a dream wow! Amazingly lyrical. Put together nicely.

[Christopher Robin]

Thanks Jenney! Glad that you enjoyed the lyricism of this one, if you enjoyed that, feel free to check out my other works, I promise I got better with practice! Thank you for the wonderful review.

-Robin

[Stonz P.]

At 11 years old, I was composing lewd (but awesome) songs to the tunes of Bollywood songs at a game of Antakshari, with my class mates(fun times during class), so I find this piece quite amusing and nostalgic. Somehow, I got reminded of this when I finished the piece, obviously triggered, having read the description but nevertheless, this is a good write considering the age you wrote it in and the style in which it is written does fine.

Might you consider a grittier one, at the present age? ;)

[Christopher Robin]

Haha!

You're not the first to ask me to delve into the dark side. It's such a populated realm that If i did do it, I'd want to do it justice. I'm working on one or two very dark stories at the moment, but I may take a break to create a twisted little piece of prose, who knows? Something I'll be posting in the future (though it is from years back) is incredibly lewd, I'll be interested to see how people take it, hopefully with a pinch of salt!

-Robin

[micky]

I love this poem. it's wonderful. Thank you Christopher!

[Christopher Robin]

Thank you Micky,

I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I hope you enjoy my other works also, always inspiring to receive such high praise!

-Robin

[Eve Ola]

This was the best read Robin. I really enjoyed this part of your poem:
I lay asleep,
I had a peep,
Up at this star,
A brightened scar,
Against the sky..
Thanks for sharing

[Christopher Robin]

Thank you Eve!

Glad you had a favorite moment! Mine personally is the end. Any break from rhyme for a reason always resonates with me, and this was the first time I'd tried it so it's got a lot of nostalgic bias!

Always love your comments and praise, thanks again Eve!

-Robin

[Cory Barrett]

Have you ever considered taking the contents and giving it a new face? This could be a poem that you revisit throughout your life with each time creating a new spirit in an old memory.

[Christopher Robin]

That's an interesting notion Cory, actually never considered it before. I suppose Poe re-wrote 'Lenore' until it was barely recognizable from the original, I could do the same here. Perhaps not with the exact words rearranged to a more mature level, but taking the exact same notion and having another crack at expressing it, a most intriguing thought...and one I may just take you up on.

thank you as always for the comments and insights!

-Robin