A Lifetime Of Love And Memories

November. All Souls Day.  One of the highlight seasons of the year for us Catholics. Remembering the fallen ones. Visiting the deceased. Gatherings and reuniting with families. Though, some people still grieve at this very season. But some people, choose to do not. I belong to the latter one. 

I was born a "Love Child". My parents both have different families now. So I grew up with the loving care of my Grandparents. Who turned out to be my real life Super Heroes.

I became a sort of "spoiled brat". Whatever I wanted, I always have it. My grandma was the most permissive between the two. Both were very strict, overprotective, nagger, and paranoid. BUT! both were very very supportive in everything that I wish to do and in everything that I decide to do. They give me such freedom to choose what my heart desires. Thru their ways of raising me, I learned how to balance my life. I learned a lot from them, from discipline, to respect, to prioritize things, to value people, to manage life and to live the life that is worth living. I fear only one thing and that is to disappoint them. I aimed also one thing and that is to make them proud of me. And so I lived my life under their favors, and who I am right now is because of them. They molded me into someone I myself can be proud of. I can say I am one of the luckiest Love child existing today. 

January 2017. 

My grandma was admitted to the hospital and diagnosed by a lot of destructive sickness-- High-blood. Diabetes. Pneumonia. Her sick was complicated. This made her bed-ridden for over a year. Due to this, I no longer taste her cooking. I no longer hear her nagging whenever I'm being an a*s. I no longer feel her touches. I no longer hold unto her arm whenever we are on the streets. I no longer hear her comforting silence that she does whenever we watch television at home. We no longer do our monthly grocery routine together. We no longer eat at her favorite fast food chain. Because she no longer lives with me at home and she's not capable of doing anything anymore. She just laid in bed. Wait to be fed. Wait to be bathed. Wait to be dressed up. She became incapable of all the things she used to do. It broke me.

My Grandma wasn't the "bff" type of grandma but i know her unconditional love for me was there. Fully alive. Its burning inside her. I respect her so much and I do love her so much. So much that I'm so afraid of her being sick, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER. 

My Grandma was someone I can count on no matter what happens to me, no matter what trouble I get into. She's the type of Grandma that will always choose to save you no matter what the world will throw at you. And when she got sick, It was really hurting for everybody most especially to me. It was really upsetting to witness every moment of serving her needs and necessities. It's crushing my heart every time I see her having a hard time to breathe, to move, to eat, to drink, and even to just talk. Our hearts were aching because we never thought it would happen this soon. Seeing her like weak and struggling, It was unimaginable. Tragic. Painful moment to see. I  managed to contain myself and prevent myself from breaking down. I don't want her to see me hurting and crying because I know deep inside she's aching too. The pain was too overwhelming, none of us can handle it if one of us would lose control. 

May 7, 2018. My Grandma died. 

My world sank. I totally lost myself. 

I used to be a very optimistic person, in any way, in any obstacles. I always used to have that hope and undying faith within me that would always kept me going. I often have this light within me but not until I lose her. Everything seemed to shut down. My feelings. My thoughts. My humanity was off track- I don't feel anything. I see nothing but blanks and total darkness-- not even a tiny single light. I lost all my senses in life from being so positive I became so numb. From being so jolly I become so quite. From being so hopeful I became hopeless wreck human who doesn't know how to start or where to even start? I was deeply buried with my emotions that I forgot what does it feel to laugh and to be happy again. I forgot how to appreciate little things, when i used to have a huge gratitude inside me. I used to read books and cultivate aspirations but I've read a lot and not a single word had I understand. It doesn't sink in. I don't understand anything. I don't understand what I was feeling. My feelings were off that I forgot how to have hope, where to seek hope, where to gain light, how to have faith and how to believe again that everything will be fine, that i will be alright-- That i will surpass all of these. I really lost it. Everything.

I was suffering while she was resting in peace. For a couple of months since she died, I was nothing but numbness. Poorest thing that I have ever felt for myself. It came to a point were I felt I was immobile. Every night i shed tears. Every night at home I felt so alone. Every night I was filled with sadness. Every day loneliness was becoming my best friend. Every day I miss her. and every day I question my existence, Why am I still here for? 

It was never easy for me before I had finally accepted everything. Before i was finally okay. It took a couple of months to recover, a lot of lonely nights, hundreds of tears, thousands of self-pity and millions of heartaches. I had to go thru it all. But I stayed strong even if I don't know where it would lead me. I tried hard to keep my faith and I tried hard to find hope again. For me to survive, for me to keep going. I told myself that Grandma wouldn't be happy seeing me like this. It would hurt her as much as I am hurting. And so with all my might, I tried so hard to shift everything. By God's grace and His way of saving me, I made it.  

I know I wasn’t alone. Because I know there are hundreds of people out there feeling the same way, praying the same prayers, hoping the same things and I know you are one of them. Just so you know, each of us has gone thru this or will go thru this but losing the people we love does not mean that we also have to lose ourselves.

I know it is very hard but we have to concede the fact that it was their will. It was God’s fate for them. We have to accept that their time is done and their purpose had been served and that now, they have to rest for good. We know they fought till their very last breathe but God has better plans for them. Their death means a new beginning for them. A fresh start. A new life. A way better place of unending peace and happiness as promised. 

I know it will never be easy. It will never be less painful. It will take a lot of time for you to recover from your loss. To build your self again. To search for the lost light. To find new hope. To find another reasons to live for. And I tell you that's okay. You are never alone. Some of the people survived, I survived. And so I believe you will too. You have to go through the process and let it take its course. One day, you will be fine. One day you will be healed. One day you will eventually recover and the pain you are having right now? It will be taken place by acceptance and peace. Pray and trust God that he will always shower you better things after every loss.  

The lessons they left. The teachings they have taught. The wisdom they shared. The light they gave. The hope they spread. The faith they believed in. The greatest love they had offer. The memories they had made. All of these will all be treasured deep within each and everyone of us. What matters most is wherever they are right now, they will always remain alive in our hearts. 

As one of my friends fave bible verse..

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing."

Certainly, everything has its own time.

This write up is  dedicated to all the people who have loss their loved ones, who was once lost and for those who are still surviving. Keep Fighting! You will get there :)

In loving memory of my

Grandma Erlinda Recamara Cabalang

and..

Tito Dennis Recamara Cabalang

and..

TO ALL THE FALLEN ONES.

May you all rest in peace.