This Is What I've Thought After Holding On For Too Long Of Being Broken

I spent a year choosing to hold on to my broken relationship. Wishing everything could be different. Hoping for a miracle to happen. Waiting for the unknown. Draining for each passing day. 

One day, fortunately I gained a friend. I got to know her, her life, her stories. I also got to share mine. For weeks that we've been like getting to know each other, I have realized that there are still things that could lift me up, small things that I never thought could make me less unhappy.

Talking to her and hearing her stories felt like I'm opening a new world. Her older brother died due to Cancer. And now it's her mom who got diagnosed by a Lung Cancer�" Stage 4, and is currently fighting for her full recovery. 

Accompanying in chemo sessions, visiting hospitals for general check ups, Assisting her mom in laboratory procedures and other things that is necessary to do for the recovery, had become her routine nowadays. I genuinely admire her,  for fighting the battle with her mom. On how she prioritized her family. On how she managed to be still even after all the things that had happened.

It hit me, realizing what they've been going thru is more devastating than mine yet here I am feeling more fragile and broken as you can imagine. 

It opened my mind. It opened my heart. 

Reflecting on her story, It made me believe that I was being really selfish all along�" irrational human being living in this world. I was too focus on being broken, of my wound, of my heartache, I didn't see that there is still so much more to life than having a broken heart. I didn't notice that what I was going thru was just a h-e-a-r-t-b-r-e-a-k, nothing compared to her dilemma right now, something between life and death.

The problem with me was, I was too focused on my past. I was too focus on my loss. I was too focused on my ex. On how we ended up. Why we ended up. I was too focused on stretching my self; to get my wants�" for us to get back together. When in fact, it was really the end of the story and it ended a long time ago. And its just me, who don't accept the fact. Who don't embrace the fact. Who don't accept changes, opportunities and new chances. It was I who made myself stuck on the situation. It was I who decided to feel this way. It was I who made myself suffer for a long time. It was I�" who tortured my own self.

I realized that when your heart doesn't want to stop loving the person, you'll never ever stop. You’d become stupid for doing every little thing. For waiting every seconds of the day. For hoping every sign to come and save you. For sacrificing every bit of your chance to move forward�" to decide to move forward. 

Thats when I thought what if taking the pain a little more and if embracing the broken pieces once more would mean having to walkaway from them? 

My answer would be�" with all of my wounds and stitches I’d rather experience every pain in my heart, every tears in my eyes, every sleepless nights in my life�" I'd rather take them all�" if it means leaving someone I have kept in my heart. FOR GOOD.  

Bottom line is, it's fine to get lost in love. To sometimes lose control. It's fine to lose yourself in the process of losing someone�" only if it means getting yourself back again-- only if it means finally leaving the person you held for so long behind the bars of your past.

It's fine to wander in your shattered worlds�" only if it means finding your peace, giving yourself new hopes, opening your eyes to new chances, holding on to your faith and receiving the right love that you've been rejecting from yourself for a long long time.

Because in order for you to learn to stand up�" you have to get lost and get dragged down first.

For more than a year, I was dragged down. I was drown with my emotions. I was a hopeless human living in a dark world that I created on my own. I did not choose to step outside of it. I did not choose to get out of the limb, instead I chose to stay and be stuck to where I'm not supposed to stay for a long period of time.

Sometimes, we people tend to become so inhumane that we end up only thinking about ourselves. Our selfish wants. Our selfish needs. Our selfish desires. Our failures. Our disappointments. We tend to focus on those things and forget that there are a lot of people in this world experiencing the most miserable problems, compared to your tiny selfish problems. 

Yes, it's normal to get hurt, to feel pain and to struggle but it isn't normal to stay on the same path for too long.

Past Relationships are only a part of our life�" it is not our life.

Pure Heartbreaks are only wee lectures of every mankind�" it is not our world.

People can become instruments to fill up and make up our lives�" but they cannot become our universe.

Love hard. But breathe life rationally.