MY HEART FINALLY GAVE UP

"It was really hard for me to let him go because he was what I have been praying for. It took me a year of patiently waiting and secretly hoping that he might change his mind only because he was what I ever wanted, even before I knew him, even before I met him. He was an answered prayer. A dream came true. He was something I would never want to lose all my life. He was someone I would choose to settle for, only if.. he was brave enough to fight for me. Only if.. he chose to fight for us like the way i do."

I used to be in a Long Distance Relationship, at first it started all fine and pretty good. With all the butterflies in my stomach and fireworks everywhere. Until such time that LDR doesn't work for us anymore because he had fallen in love with someone else. Someone who can give him the things i cannot because of the f*****g distance that separated us. The relationship bloomed for exactly 2 years and I respected my ex's decision. 

After that awful experience, I promised myself to never get into that kind of relationship again. The pain I felt was torturing, I don’t want to go back. "Long Distance Relationship works" was engraved on each of our couple rings, but I doubted it anymore. I no longer trust that long distance relationship works all the time. 

Months passed and I was still grieving for the lost relationship when suddenly I met this certain guy. He was so gorgeous. Never did I thought that I would ever fall in love with him. Never did I imagine him to be mine because his wavelength was way better than mine. I call him Boni. Every time we're together he turned my gray clouds into blue skies, he turned my dark nights into bright nights, he turned my tears into laughter's, he brought my dead soul come back to life again. I was able to love again-- all because he existed and all because I met him.

He has a shiny dark hair, ebony eyes, gorgeous long lashes, and when he smiles, his eyes smiles too. He was really pretty. Given with a blooming personality as well. He was very kind and generous. That was mainly the first two things that made me fall for him. We get along well and months after, Love walk towards our paths and we found ourselves head over heels falling in love with each other. 

It was the most bizarre yet magical feelings I have ever experienced in my whole life that I would never want to end. Considering the fact that I used to be in LDR, I wasn’t used to this kind of relationship. It was something new to me. Something I waited to happen. So when God allowed me to have this gift, I treasured it more than I could, nurture it more than I did compared to my past. We were so inseparable. We were the best of friends and we were the better lovers. We fight most of the time but we choose to  love more all of the time. He had loved me so bad he got me speechless oftentimes because he’s so into surprises and tears of joy burst in my eyes always. I was more happier with him. I was more alive because of him. I was full of gratitude. I was full of love. I was the best version of me at that time.

He became my first human diary, my  bestest bestest friend and my sweetest uncertainty. Even if things got complicated and a little off. I still always get fired up every time i see him. I always love being around him even if we do nothing. My heart skips a bit every time we cuddle-- it was the perfect place i always wanted-- it was my most favorite thing to do. He felt like home. He sticks to me, even when I became the most miserable person, even when I become a mess in this world, he stayed with me. And I really appreciated him for that. 

Undoubtedly, He made me love him even more and I told myself that there's no way I'm gonna do such stupid things to lose him. He was my hidden treasure, he was my sunshine, he was strength, he was my smile, my laugh, my weakness and he was my pain. He wasn't perfect but I loved his flaws all the way. He was all worth it that I'd do anything just to keep him. 

But like they used to say "strong relationships are molded through a lot of trials". Ours wasn't perfect but it was imperfectly what i wanted. Our love wasn't that strong enough than I thought, one day we decided to cut the relationship off. Complete complications and difficulties made him weak, he was consumed by fear, I was being toxic back then, I wasn’t myself due to stressful things, I became the worst version of me, so we grew apart. That lead to the scariest, the worse and the saddest downfall i had. I lost my Boni. 

I did not give up after the break up. I tried to make things right. I tried to beg, I plead, I cried and cried and cried until my heart numbed. My feelings were on and off because I was torn between my hopes and my pains. There were times that I'd stay positive all weeks and just wear my hopes up. Then there were times that I would fall down and break down and cry again. I stupidly keep the friendship with him, sacrificing my love, my self-interest of getting back together, just to be with him-- just to see him-- just to talk to him and just to spend some time with him.. again. I did some of the stupidest things just to keep him in touch with me. My love for him was so strong and undying and so full that it overflows. I kept all my feelings all those times, I kept it to him and I have been doing this for a couple of months already. Yes, I was a strong fighter indeed, yet I was also a brave foolish one. 

We both know we can never be in the end. Both were heartbroken. Both were hurting so much. I know it damaged him more than I see. It hurts like hell, but love shouldn’t be this painful. 

After a year of this whirlwind emotions, I realized that Love is always worth the fight if the same person loves you back, but if he doesn't... whatever you are willing to give and offer would not make sense at all. It hit me hard. It hit me so hard that I decided to gave up on him. He was my everything, yes he really was. I somehow still want him back but I know a lot of change has taken place and I cannot go back to what we used to be. 

I know I deserve more and I know for myself that I had given so much, waited too long and loved him in my own little ways. I finally realized that I have always been giving my best to him and realized that what i did was enough. Because of this I know I didn't lose the fight-- I WON. So the battle is over.

I. GIVE. UP. 

It was really hard for me to let him go because he was what I have been praying for. It took me a year of patiently waiting and secretly hoping that he might change his mind only because he was what I ever wanted, even before I knew him, even before I met him. He was an answered prayer. A dream came true. He was something I would never want to lose all my life. He was someone I would choose to settle for, only if.. he was brave enough to fight for me. Only if.. he chose to fight for us like the way i do. 

Now, he is just going to be my most painful story to tell and a tragic memory to remember. He's just going to be one of the millions of my "wishful thinkings” that I could never have. 

We were so beautiful. We were so tragic. 

PS. Boni isn’t a He. Boni is a “SHE”.