Fragments of a Journal (2006)

I like the way the wind brushes up against the leaves, the way it pulls at my hair, the way the golden sunlight warmly hugs my face, the way it brushes up against the afternoon-lit world. I like the way, as I pass through the field, the tall blades of grass brush up against my legs, tickling me as I go, the way the silent chirps and songs of birds releases me from my drab, my darkness, how the wind coolly blows against my face.

     Here everything is different; everything is always changing, everything random, a long sequence of unpredictable events, and I love it, I am drawn to it. There is something here, something walking among the trees, among the tall swaying grass and the birds, something powerful.

     I can see birds, birds gliding on the wind, perching on the trees’ summits and the tips of fences. They seem so cheerful, so free of pain and corruption. Mankind has left behind something, has neglected it, for a life that was never his. This is what is real, what is what we were meant for. We are so enclosed when away from this, so distant and abandoned, so pointless. This, I know, is what I want to be with, what I want to sleep under, feel and breathe, what I want to forever walk under, discovering and finding its wonders and mysteries.

     Behind me, is the darkness, in front of me, right here, is the light; the source of our answers, the source of all our solutions. It is funny, to know, to see, how most who search for their problems’ solutions do not see this, do not look at what is in front of them, but instead go for more complex solutions, those that bring them yet more problems. For me at least, this is all I need, this is my solution.

 

*

 

The sun has abated, and the afternoon air is a strong presence, a grey blanket that lies over the world. On the horizon, now grey and blue under the dying light, I can see a thick, snake-like movement of grey and white cloud, slowly journeying east. The slow movement of cloud under a soft, cool breeze is relaxing to watch – to feel.

     Beyond rooftops, strips of tin fences and other structures I can see trees, trees in the distance, hogging up the horizon in all its greatness. I wonder what it is like over there, there on the horizon. One tree stands over the rest to where I now look. I want to be there, enjoying the warm-spring weather, absorbing the milkish-blue sky under a set of large white clouds with greying bellies.

     Beyond my fence, my border, to which my eyes, my conscience, my soul, is forbade, to which I am convicted to live, to which I can never cross, is a whole new world. There your eyes are conceived to stare in amazement and wonder. There birds race around the many rooftops and their chimneys, whizzing around, through the sky, around the tops of trees, perching in their many inconceivable branches, bloomed bright white or pink in blossoming flowers. I can see butterflies, white butterflies, racing through the wind, through the flowers, the tall stems of grass, fluttering their delicate wings through the field.

 

*

 

The rain was cool against my face, dripping wet down my cheeks, down my neck, the cool blowing wind tugging my hair. The rain patters against the green leaves of trees, running like tears down the blades of grass across the fields, like glass beads descending to the earth.

 

*

 

The smell of wet wood, dirt and rain, the way the wind pulls at the trees and their branches, at the grass swaying wildly, the way the warm sun opens upon the world, storming its rays through a cloud burst in the sky – I love it all. I simply love it all.

 

* 

  

I watch, so silently, so unmoving, as the loggers and their trucks harvest the trees, like wheat, as they knock them down, as they slide them through the chipper, spitting up millions of little chips. A tear snaked down my cheek; anger filled my entire body, literally engulfing all that I am, swallowing up my rational thought, my natural calmness and all that makes me merciful. But I did not do anything, how could I? Why would they stop? Why would they so much as listen to me? I feel nothing, simply nothing. I feel so empty. The fate of our world is left to those who do not give a damn about it!

 

*

 

We are all lost in a grey world, a concrete room with no way out. There are no windows, no doors. I feel so suffocated, so short of breath, so trapped. Everyday everything is the same, everything so expectant, so unsurprising, so conformed. I care not for any of this. It means nothing to me, simply nothing.

 

Here I remain merely as an observer, unable to touch anything, unable to connect.

 

*

 

Their eyes, their eyes stared right through me, disappointment gleaming so brightly. Tears welled in her eyes, emotionless were his eyes, but I could see the disappointment, staring me gravely in the face, accusing, judgmental eyes piercing right through me, seemingly reading my inner thoughts.

     What had I done? I thought. I had such potential, we all knew, I was a star kindling among the black oblivion. I was one in a million, and I had thrown it all away, just like that. I felt so sad, yet I could not show it, I would not allow myself to show it.

     A million thoughts raced through my head, a dozen undeviating eyes piercing my veil. I tried to show on my face that I did not care, tried to reassure myself that what I had done was going to happen sooner or later, but it was not working. I am proving to myself, and everyone else that I am not to be pampered, not to be looked upon with hope, that I am not an individual, but human, capable of everything good, and everything dark.

     I am showing them, deliberately, out of spite, from my deepest desires that even the brightest flame on a candle can so easily be blown out. But I had shamed myself, I knew, I had let not only let them down, but myself too. I had taken the wrong path, and I had gone right to the end like I wanted. Now I am here, but is this where I really wanted to be? Something tells me that it is not.

     God, I have made such a mistake! I feel so much guilt, so much emotion! I feel so unstable! I feel like I want to end it all there, to forget the piercing look in their faces, to forget what I had done, to forget this life of mine and all those that I had loved, that I had cherished and been glad to be with. I just want to leave, to leave everyone and everything behind. I want to run, run across the fields, jump the fence, leave it all behind. My heart knows I want to, I know I want to, but yet I cannot. I feel stuck, confined, restricted, unable to do what I truly want to do, barred from my inner most feelings from society.

     My dreams tell me to turn back, to flee, to turn in the other direction, the right path, and slowly, I find myself, with every passing day, with every turning night, with every coming hour, slipping over to that path, that better life, that sanctuary, the sanctuary for myself, for my soul.

 

*

 

I yelled at my parents, voicing those strong thoughts with voices of their own in my head. Voicing the problems in this household, those problems that need fixing, a solution, those problems that simply cannot be left in the dark, ignored for another to deal with.

     I felt so bad, so guilty for yelling, for voicing what we do not speak of, but I knew, that what I was doing was the right thing. I knew, that I was right, and that they, were wrong. Accusing, belittling eyes stared right back at me, right through me, and I was taken aback. My dad told me to leave, in a soft, unforgiving voice, to leave the house, to never return. His eyes too wept with pain, but he could not voice out his own opinions either, like everyone else in the room, everyone so scared, so daunted, but of what?

     I look around, at people’s faces, all staring right through me, with expressionless, pale looks. I turned and ran out the door. I felt so alone, so abandoned, so disconnected from the world. I knew that there was not a soul I could turn to, not a single one. I felt so depressed, wondering about the future, realising how one simple sentence, one measly sentence out of decades of existence, can turn everything upside down, turn everything against you, with nothing in the world to comfort you.

     But this was just a dream, I knew, as I awoke in my bed to a dawning sun, its bright sweeping rays illuminating the room with its blinding golden light. I still felt that sheer abandonment, though, the one that I had felt in that dream, that nightmare. I still felt shocked and confused, as If what I had felt was real in its own sense, a voice of its own speaking itself out in my sleep. I know, that what I had just experienced, was how I truly felt in this life, what I really wanted to do. I know that everything comes down to you when no one else will stand up, and that, is exactly what I am afraid of.

     What does one do when no one else will stand to fight? I know that I myself would never desire to bow to those who oppress us, and would rather, to the justice of my own self, deny my oppressors the right to imprison me, refuse their subjugation of my thoughts, of my life. I know I would rather fight and die, because I know that what I do, is just in all its might, and what they do, is wrong in all its sense. And that, that itself, is what comforts me, the notion of knowing that no matter what happens, I know that what I do, is right, that what they do, is wrong, and that, no matter what happens to me, whether they torture me or others, I know, that nothing can harm me, nothing, simply nothing, can get inside me. And though they may harm me physically, on the outside, I know that what is inside defines a man, and is a place that can only be touched by God, by everything good. No bad can ever touch that place, and I feel comfort, feel suddenly unafraid, immortal.

     But what is truly scary about this dream of mine, the one I had just had, is that I get them all the time.

 

*

 

She has gone, but where? Left, just like that. How do I live? How do I continue? How do I be happy? I remember watching her, in her sleep, as the bars of light, stretching through the window, with the rising sun, kissed her face, her soft face, so innocent, so beautiful. I felt so lucky, so happy, and so glad. I fell asleep, to wake up to this, to where beside me is an empty space, an empty sheet, the sides crinkled where she was sleeping. Where did she go? I want to find her, to follow her, to run after her. Why did she go? What thoughts provoked her to leave? What melancholy? Suddenly the world seems so much less, so much more dim, so grey like it once had before.

 

*

 

Are we all doomed? All left to our own fate? Has God abandoned us, truly forsaken us? Has he left this world to her grave, to the worms in the dirt, left to our own fate, our own conviction, our own dark destiny? What has become of us? Us humans? What have we done? What did we do? Why did we do it?

     Why do we kill, why do we murder and slaughter? Why do we rape, cheat and lie? Why do we needlessly steal, why do we threaten one another, look upon one another as though we were all strangers, not brothers and sisters, not human? Why the sadness, why the hopelessness, why the needless death, why the poverty and diseases? Why the corruption? Why the oppression of the defenceless?

     You will see, when you look harder, when you look close enough, the pain and the corruption of the Western World. You will see, its plight to doom, abandonment and death. You will see, that we are not so great as we make ourselves out to be, with all the glory talk, and patriotism. Look closer, you will see.

     You will see that in truth we are ignorant, arrogant and aggressive. We help to revolve the Earth on her axis of hatred and war. We help the world to plunge into world war after world war. We help the world to wipe out hundreds upon hundreds of millions of people from war, in a single century, in a single decade. For it is a known truth, that some two hundred and ten million have died as a result of the wars of the Twentieth Century alone. Almost a quarter of a billion people, in a single century, all lost to the terror and darkness that we had created. No, we do far worse than Mother Nature, far worse. And though, a single tsunami may wipe out three hundred thousand people in a matter of a few days, I know that, a single push of a button, can wipe out three hundred million, in a matter of seconds. I know that, a single nuclear warhead, can wipe out one hundred and ten thousand people, in just ten seconds.

 

 *

 

Everyday it feels as though I have just woken from a nightmare. A nightmare, not in the sense that something bad had happened, but something good. It is a powerful feeling, and I get it whenever I see the beauty of nature, a strong bleep in my head. What is it? I know I have experienced something, something so strong and beautiful, in a different world where everything was picturesque, where my life thrived as a journey, not as something repetitive like it is now. I know I had another life somewhere, but where? When?

     I have had this strong feeling for many years, the notion of looking at something that reminds me of something, that brings back a memory hidden in the depths of my mind. My eyes widen with this reminder and something bleeps in my head.

Something, a memory perhaps, flashing in my head, but it leaves so fast that I have no time to decipher it, to get any clear picture of it. Something good had happened to my soul, and it thirsts to get that experience again. It literally thirsts for it. In this world, things are so dull, so uninteresting. I know what I feel is what was what mattered, but what is it? It is like I have forgotten something once strongly part of me, like I had abandoned, like I had forsaken it for something else, something vile. I hope time will answer all of this.

Reviews

[Rose Moon]

Matt, you write beautifully. Nature is wonderful and we should never take it for granted. We should be in awe of it and be thankful for its bounties.Who knows where mankind is heading - the greed and the blatant disregard for others is a scary rollercoaster ride to oblivion.

Nature accommodates, renews itself and changes as it must - ever bountiful unless stripped through greed & profit - then it can be relentless.

It is people like you who make the rest of us stop & consider. You have much to offer. Don't stop questioning but know there are choices to be made and sometimes we will never understand 'why'.

Life is something to be experienced and we must run our own race. 'I dips me lid' to you. (Sentimental Bloke by CJ Dennis) Rose Moon.