Moonlight Symphony

Sometimes i think about my past and bawl uncontrollably. Sometimes i think about him and i bawl uncontrollably. There's nobody that can really help me. I met him a long time ago, and to an extent i'm so much happier. But sometimes, it's not there anymore. I try every day to keep it alive with him, but no retaliation...sometimes..

When i think about my past, ii think,"How lucky was i to even get to know him? How do i know if he really does love me?" I've been under the impression that nobody ever will in my life because i'm slowly deteriorating. He's been so much help for me, but it's changed. Sometimes, i wish i could go back in my past and change everything I've done, and stand up for myself more...then i think,"My past is what lead me to him. We met at just the right time. Although he thinks this isn't exactly the best time..." I wish he felt the same. He does sometimes. But to an extent he does. It's never completely 100% there. Only sometimes is he completely in love with me. 

Sometimes i wonder if he even takes one look at me and thinks,"Oh my god, i'm so lucky to have her.." or something of that matter..I do that every day, every time i'm with him. Look at him, with all my feelings on my sleeve...His mind is somewhere else. Sometimes, it makes me wanna die. Feeling ignored or hopeless, again. I've never been loved, or cared about. Until him, sometimes. Sometimes i wonder if this whole time it's all been a lie, and he doesn't really care about me. Sometimes i look around, and see that i'm the ugliest, most disgusting person in the room..too skinny, or too fat. Too emo, too ugly, or sometimes i feel so great, because of him, then it's destroyed by my reflection..Why has he stayed with me all the time? What kind of practical joke is this? I'm used to it,but he's changed my perspective on life and given me hope. If he crushed it, i'd have no one. I'd die...Sometimes suicide sounds like a good option to avoid all the hurt he could cause me any second, but sometimes it's a bad idea, solely because i love him, and he apperenty loves me. But how and why does he? Sometimes i wonder if he loves me as much as he says he does. Sometimes I wish things from the past with him were the same now. Sometimes he'll take time out of his busy schedule to talk to me real fast. Sometimes he'll reassure me of his feelings. Sometimes it's gone in two days..

Sometimes i stay sure of it for a while.Sometimes i whine and complain silently and scream silently for answeres and help. Sometimes i get it. Sometimes i dont. 

Sometimes i just want things to go back the way they were. Snuggles, cuddles, hugs, kisses, all our time together. It's like that sometimes. Once every week. Sometimes is enough right? I'm being selfish aren't i? Sometimes he gives me some time to talk and hug. "I already give you too much time." he says...

What if i said that to you huh? What if i gave you a small amount of time, about 20 minutes with me, and said i'm giving you too much time> How would you feel. Sometimes he doesn't understand how i feel. Sometimes he'll comfort me. Sometimes my tears will fall, and he'll wipe them away. Sometimes he causes the tears. Sometimes we talk until midnight or two in the morning. But how long ago was that? I can't even remember. Things aren't the same. I'm screaming on the inside, but all he hears is jealousy, distrust and paranoia. Sometimes he doesn't make things easy. Sometimes i have to beg just for a conversation. It's a privilege now. I didn't know that talking to your best friend/boyfriend/true love is supposed to be a privilege. I didn't know it was something yu had to ask for. I try. Everything. Is he? I'm a mistake, a disgrace, a nuisance, problematic, untrustworthy, unreliable, worthless,useless,delusional,immature,selfish etc. I'm constantly a disappointment. 

Sometimes i think and prepare for when he leaves. I don't deserve him. He's screwed up too. hurt me. I've hurt him too. I screwed up. Badly. We both have. Sometimes i get ready to hear him say he doesn't love me anymore. IS this normal. Soemtimes i wish things were like how they used to be..Sometimes i wish he'd hear my cries for things to be better...