Death of a Former Self

The character is going through a change in their life, and they're not a fan of it. I wrote this for my creative piece for Nat 5 English almost a year ago

By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be gone, dead. My physical self will still be very much here and alive but the me you know right now, no. That me has been suffering a cancer of change and I don’t know where it is going anymore. That old, unlikeable, anti-social me might as well be dead. This change is something I didn’t want, expect or really ever even think of, well that was until I noticed, I stopped caring about the things I did, stopped talking to the people I would’ve once called my closest of friends. I grew a thick intolerance for them and many of their imperfections that I almost enjoyed before " Why? I don’t know. I see myself almost branching out like a plant in spring and growing new fruits, well, I say fruits I mean more like poisonous berries because I’m not sure I like this new self, don’t get me wrong, I hated the old me but the new one, this fiend whom I would’ve almost despised before does more than take the cake, but eats the whole thing to himself in front of starving people. This time last year I’d have had so much to say to this new me, I’d get into a full on fight. I don’t know where I’m going with this life of mines and the fear is subduing me into some kind of trance where pure animal instinct takes over. I don’t care how the other party is feeling or what they think. They shouldn’t tell me what to do or say because I’m going to do it my own way and I really don’t care what they think or say. Let those worthless people have their thoughts, they don’t impact me in any way what so ever, go on, hate me, big whoop. You’re upset? You’re hurt? Oh no, I’m so sorry and I promise never to do that again, please forgive me (!) I’m not that person anymore, I doubt I ever was remotely “nice” or if deep down I was always a bit of a dark, fake, cruel and hate-fuelled person.

I began to notice this transition of humanity around six short months ago, I couldn’t bear to talk to friends that I’d almost consider a family for more than ten minutes, all of my old pass times were ruined by them. Every one of my favourite movies ruined by CGI that I struggle to look at. I spend countless hours in front of a screen talking to people, and I don’t even realise it. I look at the time and I realise I never spoke to these people months ago and now I doubt I could live on without talking to them.

I see this anger, this overwhelming hate for people and things, I don’t know where it comes from or why it is even there but there are just certain people I’d really like to just flick on the nose, they’re not bad people and I’m sure I’d get along with them but there is some odd feature that drives me to insanity, I don’t know what to think of it but my burning frustrations are becoming harder to control day by day. I’ve almost let this soul-crushing fury out so many times in the past week alone.

To other people, I originally was that one kid that nobody liked and slowly I’m becoming more tolerable to the people that thought of me like that but the rest that I’ve spent so much time with, I’m like an insect in their ears just biting them in different spots to cause irritating itches that they can’t get to and oh, I find it fun. Fun, enjoyable, why do I think this? It is so twisted and cruel but the love of just messing with people is carrying me through life, whether I’m escaping my own problems by causing others I still can’t control it, the guilt I used to feel is slowly shrinking to utter nothingness, I used to feel guilty for causing the slightest of pains but now I feel accomplishment and justice, like it is some kind of revenge for all the pain that has been caused to me, but if it is revenge, why am I punishing the people that practically carried me through the pain, self-hatred and darkness? I’m not trying to justify this in any way but shouldn’t I at least be returning the favour to everyone that kicked me down to breaking point? Something is wrong with me. I feel like I’ve been infected with some form of social disease that is turning me into one of those run of the mill, everybody-likes-them people, I’ve lied to and hurt people that’d help me when I was lied to and hurt to less extreme levels.

I’ve lost myself here, do I allow me to become the type of person I hate with the utmost burning passion or try to fight it? Can I fight it? I think I’d tear myself apart beyond repair and everybody that was there for me before has been turned away, nobody would be there to pick me up and I’d be left as some sort of empty shell. I say all of this but then I think I am an empty shell, I’m being sucked of my positive emotions, I’m being painfully converted into some sort of machine that can do nothing but hate, hate and even more hate.

This transition is changing me, but not for the better of the people around me. Time is going too fast, my former self is hating every action of mines and trying to pull me back whilst slowly getting killed off, but the horrifying truth that I’m afraid to admit, the truth that I’m trying to keep back down to hold the slightest hint of humanity in me, the truth is I kind of like it.

Author's Note

I was 15/16 at the time of writing it, this was only a first draft as I couldn't find later versions and I've improved a lot since then.

Reviews

[H.S. King]

I like the idea and the overall impact but there are some bits (may I quote "(!)") which are entirely distracting and irrelevant. If the tone is not clear through language then the section isn't concise enough to use.

[tiajam]

Chilling xx

(I need to have lots of characters, so that's why there's this.)