Katib al-Ibar

This is my first book of poetry.

 

 Author’s Introduction:

 

 

      First, I want to thank you,all of you, for reading this. Most of these were written for my personal pleasure and I never thought that I'd put these down in one compliation for someone else to read. And yet, here they are for you, dear reader. So again, thank you.

      Second, these pieces comprise a period of my life spanning about six months. The nature of these pieces does vary somewhat, although the majority of them do tend to deal with a subject which seems to dominate much of the short form work which I write: Love Now that is a subject that can fill  more volumes then perhaps any single subject in history. And I in no way feel that I have made any great inroads in the explanation and understanding of such a deep and meaningful topic, but you will have to decide that for yourself.

     Why have I written so many pieces about love, you ask yourself? Well, I would have to answer that finding love, true love and keeping it, learning about it, understanding and holding on to it are some of the things that I may be a little obsessed with. Alright, maybe more then a little, a lot obsessed with, guilty as charged. Love is something that eludes people, that is true love. Not Eros or the love that we feel for a parent or a pet or something else. But the love for another person. That joy, that pain which is found in the connection with another soul. There is some sort of a connection that happens on so many levels when true love exists between two people. From time to time I believe that I have found such love, so in that I do believe that it most certainly does in point of fact exist. So that perhaps is one reason I write so much about it so much.

 Another reason that I write this material is another basic one: Its so therapeutic. I write these pieces to get the emotions out. Grief, anger, depression, joy, whatever. For in the moment that I am writing the piece, the emotion is exorcized from my psyche. And that is a great thing for me to be able to try and take a look back and examine the emotion. So then I come back to these pieces and can recapture the emotional moment. This has come in handy when working on an acting project more then once.       

Get the mind set back, so to speak.

And lastly, a word about the form of the pieces, when I write poetry I write the piece in the form that I hear it in my head, so try reading some of the pieces out loud to yourself or someone you love. Look for the way the phrases are structured. The punctuation also plays a vital role in the rhythm of the piece. I am a person who loves to hear things. These are poems to be voiced. For in the play of the vocal sounds is where I find the life of these pieces. I think you may find it there also.

As for the title, it comes from perhaps my favorite novel of all time, Frank Herbert’s eternal masterpiece: DUNE. The phrase is from his created language, the Arabic derivative called Fremen. The phrase Katib al-Ibar means: The Book of Tears.

Enjoy.

 

 

 

   

 

 

 

I

 

Why this mystery called love?

To live in anguish and always be restless.

Searching-

for something that may never be.

This dream comes.

Dreaming, waiting, longing.

Visions cloud our minds.

Fantasies, real or imagined move in and out.

This journey is often with two-

all to often less then that.

The hope of union.

The joy of shared experiences,

mysteries, treasures, discoveries.

The pain of loss that all to often comes.

This pedestal that is only glimpsed by a few.

Attained by even fewer.

Kept by even less.

The trial goes on-

the quest of this half-shadowed world.

Don’t deny mine eyes this vision again.

Ne’er again.

 

 

 

II

 

Love is never like it is in the movies

 

Love is never like it is in the movies.

 She is never waiting for you in the car.

She is never waiting at home with candles burning.

He is never holding flowers, saying, “I’m sorry.”

It is never alright in the end.

Love is never like it is in the movies.

They never get together in the end.

The train never waits.

The taxi is late.

He never makes it to the airport in the nick of time.

She never forgives him for the transgression.

He never decides he loves her in time.

He can’t get the courage to tell her.

Something always comes between them.

She always misses the phone, the message and she never receives the note,

Love is never like it is in the movies.

The pain never ebbs.

He never gets over her.

Love always hurts again.

The reality is never like the fantasy.

Love is different, moving, fleeting

and never so easy to find.

 

 

 

III

 

My soul aches-

once again it comes-

this pain.

The ever present longing for another soul-

be near, soft one.

Oh, bright angel-

how often do I think of you.

the night surrounds me-

engulfs my spirit-

closes my eyes-

and sleep fills my mind-

thoughts drift.

The ever present memory of you comes again.

I linger-

upon you lips-

your hair-

those eyes-

Dear God, those eyes.

Oh, bright angel, how I wish to be near you-

hear you speak-

look upon your love.

The need to be just near you-

fills me-

empties me-

haunts me.

The gods taunt my joy.

Holding it out in front.

Urging my trek on.

My tread seems to fall short.

On and on I go.

Moving-

reaching for that which is thine.

All things are encompassed in you.

Truth, beauty, love, purity-

these do I wish to share in- 

with you.

For you are my star.

That which leads me onward-

foot by foot-

towards that which we I trust we both seek-

a life and love together.

Oh, bright angel-

descend unto me-

fill me again with your love and stay near me-

my hand in yours until death ends the farce

and together the whole universe will be ours.

 

 

 

IV

 

You tell me how to love you.

Show me that which makes you happy.

I ache to please you.

Your desires fill my soul.

My need is to help you for all time.

So tell me how to love you-

care for you-

please you.

All these things are yours to have-

just ask.

That is why I am here.

Rarely do I feel this need to do anything for someone-

for you.

What is this thing that drives me?

Beauty? Joy? Desire? Love?

All of these and more.

So show me how to make you happy.

This I’ll be glad to do-

for all time.

‘Till death do us part.

 

 

 

V

 

I am confused.

Thoughtlessly I drifted on,

not seeing,

not even conceiving--

but the signs were there.

Now or so it seemed.

What can I do now to prevent this?

Lies.

Lies you told.

Lies I believed.

Lies that was all of our love.

God damn you for your lies.

Finally the truth comes out.

The double life you lived.

How easy was I to deceive.

You used me, used your body,

tortured my soul.

How-

Did I mean that little to you-

did love?

All you could do was tell me lies.

Lies you told.

These I believed.

Lies about our life.

May God damn you for your lies.

 

 

VI

 

Dear God in heaven I want you.

My pulse quickens when I see your face.

Blood pounding in my ears at the mention of your name.

My passion rises at the sheer thought of you. 

In the night I hold my pillow close,

dreaming only of you.

All other women have faded into the gloom-

all I can see is that beacon which is you.

This beam calls me onward, forward,

toward that which I seek--

your love.

A total devotion to you-

in all that I am.

All that I feel.

All and forever.

I want you.

Now what?

 

 

 

VII

 

My Sihaya

(Fremen: My desert springtime)

 

My soul longs to drink of you.

 

A fount in the ever stretching sands of my heart.

 

This oasis of joy that are your eyes.

 

The swaying palms are the waiting arms of my love.

 

In the night the stars smile down upon me.

 

Your eyes show me the doors of your heart.

 

The breeze blows the scent of you to me.

 

It crosses the wastes, calling.

 

I answer. 

 

 Moving across the desert to your open arms.

 

My Sihaya.

 

 

 

VIII

 

The grain falls-

one by one.

Time moves-

but I-

I wait.

My patience is not infinite.

But still I force myself to be calm.-

Waiting.

Listening.

Calm am I as time moves.

I force control on my heart.

My soul quivers, anticipating.

The grain falls one and again-

for the prize is joy.

The gift is love.

Time eternal.

Breathing in and out, slowly.

I wait.

My emotions checked.

This is my task.

The path I have set for me.

To wait.

All of eternity and again.

For you.

 

 

 

IX

 

How beautiful is the moon?

 

She is a harsh mistress,

glaring down unceasingly.

Changing, flowing in and out.

But never betraying her face.

Time ebbs and flows around her.

Still she endures.

I ponder her glow,

reflecting to me the light of a star.

But as through a mirror darkly,

just light, cold and muted.

She effects the moving of the seas,

both in me and across the land and waters-

this she knows but judges not.

Her force is equal.

She knows no good nor ill.

She just endures.

Oh, Luna, How I love your face.

The mysteries you hide,

the beauty that you project,

warms my winters,

softens my summer

and adds beauty to my falls.

I know in your eyes there is no right or wrong.

Just the fact of existence,

ever changing,

ever constant.

Enduring.

 

 

 

X

 

Impart upon me that which I need to live.

Tell me how do I gain your love.

My heart flutters, the frightened fawn,

ever vigilant to the slightest sound, 

young, tender, desiring to grow,

searching ,learning that which it needs.

Come unto me-

feed me with only what you can provide.

My soul desires the staff of life.

The sweet manna that is your body.

The wine which flows from your lips.

The fruit which grows in your soul.

All things are possessed by you and

I am a barren shell without them.

A canvas aching for the master’s brush.

Your name is echoed on the wind,

played about in the high, cool brook-

shouted to the heavens by the raging sea,

smiling down upon me by God’s staring eyes.

Impart upon me that which will make me whole.

Join my hand in yours and let the universe sing.

 

 

 

XI

 

Nightbird

 

Darkness unfolds around me.

Her arms open wide, soft, relentless.

Sighing I submit to her embrace.

Alone I sit in the night waiting-

out of the depths comes a call.

Wailing above the night wind.

She calls my soul.

This nightbird.

Her cry mirrors my heart.

Mournful, laden with sadness.

Mingled with need.

Aching for release.

Awash with desire.

To me she calls.

We are one and the same,

my night is filled with searching. 

My cries fill it bootlessly.

Her voice moves on the wind.

Echoing house to house.

Playing with the eves.

Scratching at the doors.

Staring in the windows.

Desperate for release,

comfort,

acceptance.

Ah, nightbird, we are not alone, you and I.

But our worlds isolate us.

Closing us behind walls.

Real and imagined.

Spread your wings for me and fly.

At least one of us can be free.

 

 

 

XII

 

Tear out my heart so I can feel no more.

 

My soul cries out from the agony.

My need has not withered but my love is crying for release,

acceptance.

My hands ache to be held.

I long to encircle someone with my arms.

But no.

Tear out my heart so I can feel no more.

No joy.

No sorrow.

No love.

Nothing..

Make me an empty shell.

Barren.

So the pain does not exist.

So I can go on.

With out tears, fear or love.

Tear out my heart so I will feel nothing more.

Part it from me as east is from west. 

Beyond my reach or a woman’s touch.

For that is what feeds it.

That is what causes it agony.

It is what I want,

can’t find.

What I need,

can’t have.

Tear out my heart so I can feel no more.

 

 

 

XIII

 

A Fremen Desert Song

 

The hawk circles.

High and above.

Searching.

Solace is near.

The swaying palm.

The cool pond.

Rest.

The oasis is a gift of love.

An island of joy in the sea of sand.

A jewel among the stones I see.

Many reflections appear on the plain but fade as I reach for them.

So I drive on, step by step.

The wind whips my face, burning.

Illusion upon illusion die.

I can go no more.

One more.

Maybe the next.

Maybe.

This oasis is a gift of love from the earth to a weary traveler.

How I am weary.

How I wish to be no more.

 

 

 

XIV

 

If you love

 

I open my hand, release my fingers, away she flies.

Dare I wish to see her look back.

Too much.

Too great a risk.

Why after all I tried to give does she---leave.

So hard have I tried to be that someone she could love.

As I do love her.

A chance was all I asked.

But no.

A chance was what she could not give.

Reasons are many but just one truth remains--fear.

There is a lot of fear in love.

But more to be gained.

Always does joy outweigh the pain.

Always.

But the chance I was--we were not given.

If you love someone...

The rest is loss.

For very few return.

 

 

 

XV

 

The castle’s high.

Parapets lofty, ancient and over grown.

The vines twist and climb obscuring the cracks.

The moat is filled well beyond its shores.

Water seeps away, hinting at the strain within.

This fortress hides great riches,

wealth hoarded from those who may yet benefit.

But the sharing of these riches would be a boon to all.

For when wealth is shared, the returns are ever greater.-

Ever growing-ever beautiful..

So the castle stands atop a great a glorious mount,

wondered at,

looked upon in awe a beauty by all who take in the visage.

And I---

A lone traveler seek to gaze upon its walls.

Walk its corridors.

Share its wonders.

Nay, the bridge stays up for now.

 

 

 

XVI

 

I will not betray that which I hold dear.

The trust you have given unto me is more important then my life.

My happiness.

All that I do ask is this:

consider that I do care more for you then my life,

then my joy.

You are the first light of the day,

the last ember of my night.

I see your face always.

Hear your laughter on the summer breeze.

All that I ask is to be one with your soul.

As I need you to be one with mine.

My care for you grows ever onward.

You mean more to me then my life.

I need you to be a part of my life and

that trust I will never betray.

As long as my heart beat.

As long as my life lasts.

I am yours.

Now and forever.

World without end.

Amen.

 

 

II

 

Time

 

For us it is nothing-

though it seems to move endlessly on.

Time

This is the time I spend with you,

moments pass,

hours come and go.

Day becomes evening becomes again.

Precious are the moment I spend with you.

Treasures of beloved memory,

now and forever.

What becomes time to me?

A tide to wade through.

A gem to look forward to.

A piece of life to recall and hold close.

Time becomes--

something I can bear.

With you with me.

Nothing to fear--

if you hold me.

A life to rejoice--

if only you’d love me.

And give me some of your precious time.

 

 

 

XVIII

 

I have a picture of you.

It watches over me in the night.

The eyes of you smile and I rejoice.

My heart races.

The deep forests follow me as I move through my day.

Even when I am gone I feel you.

A sense of your beauty.

A knowledge of your eyes and they smile.

All may be lost but a treasure has been given unto me--

                      by one so special that I can never write enough words.

The days are not long.

The words fall short.

I fail.

For it is those eyes.

The eyes of you smile.

I rejoice.

For I have looked upon them.

Beheld their nature.

Now the joy in her eyes will warm me forever.

Even unto my death.

 

 

 

XIX

 

My One So Special

 

There is this angel you see not perfect she thinks but wondrous to me.

Her eyes, her form, her spirit, her smile.

I could be with her all day and ache for along while.

To be just in her presence, to hear that voice speak.

A calm sound to me.

That soft language I seek.

Just to be near this one is joyous to me.

My soul soars with words.

My lonely heart she sets free.

A soul unique to all the world but grace given unto me.

I praise God on high for all that is she.

The good, the ill, the pain and the joy.

My words collapse inadequate,

fallen like the walls of sieged Troy.

This one is so special,

to describe he I just can’t try.

Only to tell the world for her would I die.

 

 

 

XX

 

Still the Abyss

 

The soft winds blows upward.

Stretching out my arms,

I gaze into the abyss.

Around me the demons swirl, whispering.

They tempt me.

Hypnotizing my soul.

Anything to ease the pain.

My heart fills like a runaway balloon,

straining at every fiber.

Release me, God in heaven, release me.

The agony my heart is filled with has no end.

Blackness fills my eyes.

All around me is grief.

The wind blows.

The Abyss beckons.

The memories provide no comfort.

Jolts of sorrow race along my spine.

My head hangs low.

Sobbing over takes me.

A moment of flight, timed perfectly.

Then nothing.

All I have to do is wait.

To push off is the final act.

A space of falling.

A moment of impact.

Bliss.

Sweet calm.

No pain, no sorrow, no memories.

Mingling my atoms with the universe.

One with the abyss.

I wonder at the pain that got me here.

Wonder at the reasons for grief.

Things were done, promises made, lies compounded upon.

       The light of truth glared out everything.

Betrayal is a mild word.

Butchered is closer.

My soul ripped away.

Hearth burnt to a cinder.

Life a quivering farce.

So this end I came, standing, arms open,

reading to embrace that which is both infinite and abhorred.

What lay beyond?

Not a care was needed.

Thought not given form.

Just end that which existed.

End the pain.

Become enfolded in the arms of blackest night.

One with the abyss.

So love drove me here.

To this point of decision.

Or lost love.

Love denied.

Betrayed

Or never given.

That was the force.

Here is the event.

Comes the conclusion.

I open my arms.

The wind buffets my face.

And I------Step away.

Why?

To endure this pain?

To let my soul writhe in agony.

To see her face every night in my dreams,

hear her voice in the wind,

her face reflected in the water.

No.

But to live for the day another face shines.

To hear another voice.

The Abyss still stares.

The darkness often closes.

Demons scream and whisper.

But the pain has ebbed.

I learn about life by looking towards death.

 I learn to love by the pain of loss.

Forward I go,

step by step.

Still the soft wind blows.

Still I open my arms.

Still stares the Abyss.

 

 

 

 

XXI

 

Wait

 

Standing outside the door, mist falls.

Waiting--

Tension builds.

Stomach in a knot,

tighter,

waiting.

Right or wrong,

I hope for a bit of fortune..

Waiting.

The chairs inside give little comfort.

I startle at any sound.

The waiting.

One by one others enter.

One by one we all leave.

Joyous or seeming so.

Only to return home and sit by the phone.

Waiting.

  

 

XXII

 

Please forgive me.

My heart is troubled over my foolishness.

My fear.

My failure of you.

I am unworthy of such a love,

a love that is you.

My inadequacies abound.

Please forgive me.

My desire is to never cause you pain,

‘cause I’ve done so much already.

Please.

I throw myself at your feet.

Beg to return from my self imposed exile.

My crimes against you are in need of payment.

But I ask, Lady, that you grant me your sweet pardon.

I am so ashamed of my actions,

appalled by my behavior.

In mortal fear of losing that which is the only good thing in the farce that is my life.

Please, from on who is so unworthy,

please forgive me.

 

 

 

XXIII

 

Fremen War Poem

 

Who is my enemy?

What does he seek?

My pain is not from the blade but from my swallowed fear.

Death is a friend if my enemy comes with me.

My enemy is that fear.

God smiles on those who service him.

Shaitan awaits the coward.

So come swiftly death to those who oppose God

and the Lisan Al-Gaib.

May my blade seek your heart and spill your blood upon the sand.

 

 

 

XXIV

 

Ah, flower.

 

Ah, flower, hold the essence of your beauty in your velvet embrace.

The nearness of your smile does warm my soul.

Dare I wish to keep you forever,

captive of my heart only

or to share your wondrous form with all the world.

Ah, flower, bloom for me.

Loose the scent of your joy upon my troubled heart.

Show all the world your fabled smile,

but flower only for me.

 

 

 

XXV

 

The Kiss.

 

Lips soft.

Silken petals of love.

Closer.

I gaze up and down your face, longing.

I hear the faint his of your breath,

it mirrors mine.

Short in anticipation of the future,

aching for it.

Closer.

Then.

Contact.

A charge runs through.

Powerful, scary and strong.

Our breath mingles, for one brief moment they are one.

Shared staff of life.

I give to you,

you return life to me.

Never end the moment. 

I am at the height of existence with you in my arms.

Slowly I open my eyes and stare into—

my pillow..

Damn, I hate those kind of dreams.

 

 

 

 

XXVI

 

Katib Al-Ibar

 

My heart screamed.

As tears fell staining your cheeks.

Staining your soul.

I did something.

Held your hand, wanted to do more.

Hold you.

Kiss away the tears.

Take you away.

Make it all go away.

If I had a wish.

Just one in my life.

I’d take away your pain,

all of it, now and forever.

When you hurt, my soul magnifies the agony,

compounding the pain.

I can take no more.

I looked upon your face, wet with sadness.

My need to comfort you overwhelming my heart.

I did what I felt was alright for the moment.

My heart went out to you.

My soul ached for you.

If I had one wish,

just one in my life.

I’d take away your pain,

all of it.

Now and forever.

  

 

 

XXVII

 

A Gift

 

Season’s turn over, once and again.

Days turn to nights and turn still once more.

As time moves on, this life changes,

as we move in and out of life’s new places and old times,

cherished memories and people see us through the dark corridors

that are our days.

When such people come a life, no,

two lives are transformed.

One for being.

One for being near.

My soul has been given a new joy--

a dimness that was my heart has been warmed anew.

For this and for its author I am forever grateful.

The gift that is you has made my life meaningful again.

 

 

 

XXVIII

 

Still I remember your lips.

You gave tears to the dead, but not for me.

Weep no more, my flower.

For my cause is holy.

I look out at the stars and the ships of the jihad

but all I see are your eyes, blue with tears.

Know that I will return unto you.

We will walk the seitch’s path together.

Our water will mingle again.

God will smile and bless our union.

How I long to feel the sand under my feet,

your fingers holding mine,

our purpose one with God.

As the time grows near and I hear the rustle of the enemies’ saber,

I think only of our love, your face, our future.

I am but one man in Muad’ dib’s great purpose.

One breath in the cleansing storm. 

But one thought fills my soul as I rise to the call to arms, you , my love.

And my return to your arms.

Arms so strong they can hold me forever,

even from the grip of Shaitan.

Arms so long they touch me where I am.

Arms so long they hold me, even now. 

Now my love, I must go.

I hear the call.

But know as my pen ends this tale,

my love grows and builds.

Forever.

Amen.

 

 

XXIX

 

Lie down beside me,

deep in the night.

Let the dark be a blanket, covering us softly.

Enfold me in your arms.

Let me hear your soft breath,

whispering to me quietly.

Saying my name and those “I love yous”.

With the warmth of you near, I could stay like this forever.

Passing the hours,

my head nestled against your breast.

My love, my all,

I’ve found that which I have so long for sought.

Now my heart lives, breathes and grows,

now and forever.

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

Author’s Afterward:

I do want to thank you for taking this journey with me. I know that quite a few of these pieces are very lonely, sad and even depressing in nature. Well, I am not at the writing of this any more successful in my search for lasting love then I was when I first put pen to paper for these pieces. Although as you may have noted when you read many of them, I do have hope. Hope for the future. Hope for a better tomorrow. And, yes, hope for love. Long lasting and wondrous. Until then... Fare thee well, Dear Reader.

Reviews

[Ice Queen of the Vampir..]

Wow.......these poems are simply amazing. Each one is so fabulously written and you can feel every emotion. You're a very gifted poet and I think one of the reasons I love your work so much is because I'm still looking for my true love and can relate to what you write. You've done a wonderful job on these. Fantastic work!!!

Heather

[emmajoy]

Every word, every phrase is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.