In love with the wind

 

Take    everything I love

My     heart's already broken

Hand     in the deep blue sky

 

Close     the way forward

Your     head has stopped racing

Eyes     burning into me

 

 

 

Jump     into the wind

 

 

Then you whisper 

 

 

Don't let go of me,

Whatever you do,

Don't let go...

Author's Note

im 14 :)

Reviews

[Dusty]

Ok, well, I like this but don't like it. It seems to have bit of a sharp flow, but you may have meant to do that, make it broken like your heart, but it has some cliches that get old. For instance, the broken heart line, everyone always expresses the heart as broken, and there is no rhyming scheme or anything, so I would change that. (Perhaps shattered, or you can portray your heart as glass and a thousand scattered, glistening pieces all that remains of it) Take everything I love does not seem like a way to pull a reader in either. This poem offers no scenario, no backstory, the reader can only guess what it is about, and while that is not a problem, when you say things like "take everything I love", it is best to have a character so that the reader knows exactly who is the thief. The eyes burning into me is an old line, try comparing the eyes to ice or something, that is hardly ever used, and ice doesn't always mean cold and unfeeling, it can mean shining and reflective, or whatever you want it too. One thing to remember, cliches are not rules, they are things to avoid, you don't want to do them. A cliche, in case you are wondering, is a phrase, word, or action that has already been used too much before, is predictable, and really hold no interest for the reader... The end, for instance, is cliche, "Don't let go of me", I have heard that one a thousand and one times before. Overall though, you have some talent for writing, you just have to break away from the rules you think you have to follow. ;) Best of luck to you, I look forward to reading more of your work...

[Shellie]

I agree with Dustys review - all of it. Theres serious potential to your writing, but you definitely need to break away from the clichés theyre very off putting. Sometimes what you want to say may be the very cliché you dont want to use if you can find a different way of wording it thats great, if not use it and the readers will more oft than not point it out and give you guidance just like Dusty did in her review below.