No way out

"Are you going to kill me?" The man�s voice was mocking there was almost a hint of pity in it; he didn�t think I was capable...

The wind whipped my hair behind my back as I stood in a bus shelter. The rain was lashing down. I bent my head back, enjoying the blissful feeling for a moment. The world revolved around me before I came back to the dangerous reality that loomed over my shoulder. Someone coughed and I snapped my head forward. It was Mark.

"Well?" he asked. I nodded slowly, my eyes closed as I remembered.

 

The automatic gun shook in my hand; I tried to steady it, taking deep breaths. The air hung heavily. Dry and humid, it got harder and harder to accommodate for my pumping heart.

"Are you going to kill me?" The man’s voice was mocking, yet there was almost a hint of pity in it. He didn’t think I was capable. I bit my lip, I had no choice.

 

"Oh, well done, very good!" Mark's voice was warm, but his eyes cold.

"Yeah, well... It had to be done." I said. He nodded approvingly.

 "I have the documents. They are in here" He said, indicating to the small leather suit case he had tucked under his right arm "You just need to sign the usual agreements. But perhaps we can do that later" He looked at my face.

 

The man started laughing at me, scorning me. Blood trickled down my face, mingling with the tears.

"I have to", I whispered, "I'm sorry". I counted out a heartbeat then my finger tightened on the trigger. I shuddered as the ear splitting explosion filled the room.

 

"What did it feel like?" Mark’s eyes were hungry, he sounded amused “Your first kill, I mean.” He added.

"What am I supposed to feel?" I said, my frustration and fear prominent in my voice "I killed someone." I gave a small shrug like I didn’t care. It didn’t fool anybody.

Mark no longer smiled.

"We have to do what we have to do." He replied coarsely. I fought back the words that had risen to my lips but-

"Well maybe I don't want to!" My outburst shocked me, but he appeared unchanged. Mark smiled sadly.

"You have no choice." He stated as he walked slowly away from me. Tears were poring down my cheeks, crossing paths with the raindrops. I couldn't live like this. I couldn't be like this.

 

The laugh was still etched into the man’s face as he fell, blood washing the white tiles red. I backed out of the room, stunned at what I’d done. Collapsing onto the floor, I started to wretch, then vomit then wretch again till nothing else could come up. I stayed sitting till the walls stopped revolving and I could stand. Making my way shakily to the exit, I was drawing forced shuddering breath after forced shuddering breath.

I stared down at my hands. The hands that had killed another man. Swallowing, I shook my head, as if trying to rid it of the images that would not stop. I was falling from the blood streamed waterfall into a pit of snakes. They writhed and coiled themselves around me, leaving deep welts. I deserved nothing better.

 

A truck was hurtling around the bend. It's tires screeched deafeningly. The head lamps looming out of the darkness, two pools of shattered sunlight. It was coming nearer, approaching fast. I moved out of the bus shelter, my hair blown back in a sudden gust of wind. My exposed skin was soaked instantly in the heavy downpour.

 

My eyes fluttered closed as I stepped lightly into the road.

Author's Note

im 13, I have an uuuh... 'interesting' way with my grammar :) thanks for reading

Reviews

[Dusty]

Ok, my first emotion is suprised, then confused. This story needs a little bit more backstory. Why was the only way out death for the main character? (Who, by the way, needs to be specified as boy or girl.) And why did he have to kill that man? Why him? And what were the documents? Does our narrator have a name? Now, the details and descriptive words in this are precise, not focusing on the dull and unimportant but adding to the image. I have seen this scene a thousand times in action movies before it feels like, but that is alright, its the first time I've seen it written in a while. However, I might introduce you to a thing called "commas" lol. You use them quite sparingly and your sentences seem to run on and on as you add more afterthoughts flooding through your mind and can't quite divide them up and while they are good they seem to need to be broken up because they keep running on like this sentence a very long and confusing sentence. =P There is alot to say about this piece, and I can't quote all the lines, so I'll do what is done on some other sites. Anything in parenthesis is my comment:

The wind whipped my hair behind my back as I stood in a nearby (do you have to add nearby? Of course it is nearby, you are under it. Or if you are referring to something else, specify) bus shelter, the rain lashing down. I bent my head back, enjoying the blissful feeling for a moment, letting the world revolve around me before I came back to the dangerous reality that loomed over my shoulder (Good image but a runon. Break it up a bit). Someone coughed and I snapped my head forward again, but it was only Mark. (Did he expect it to be someone else? If so, who?)

"Well�(Asked is a question word. Put a question mark in here)" he asked. I nodded slowly, my eyes closed remembering. (this is awkward. Why don't you try "as I remembered", instead of remembering)



The automatic gun shook in my hand; I tried to steady it, taking deep breaths (describe the air. Cool, warm, thick, musty, thin, deprived of oxygen).

"Are you going to kill me?" The man's voice was mocking (comma! and maybe put a "but" after it) there was almost a hint of pity in it; he didn't think I was capable. (This is a simple conclusion and should be made a simple sentence. Ditch the semi-colon and make it its own sentence and thought) I bit my lip, I had to. (Maybe instead, "I had no choice". It seems to flow better for me.)



"Oh, well done, very good!" Mark('s) voice was warm(, but) his eyes cold.

"Yeah, well... It had to be done." (I said.) (H)e nodded approvingly

"I have the documents(. They) are in here" he (said,) indicat(ing) (to) the small leather su(i)t case he had tucked under his right arm...



The man started laughing at me, scorning me. Blood trickled down my face, mingl(ing) with (the) tears.

"I have to."(,) I whispered (,) "I'm sorry". Then I pulled the trigger. (Maybe instead of "Then I pulled the trigger", try "My finger tightened on the trigger, and I jumped as the explosion filled the room")



"What did it feel like?" Mark's eyes were hungry, he sounded amused. "Your first kill, I mean." (he added)

"What am I supposed to feel?" I said, my frustration and fear prominent (in my voice) "I killed someone." I (said simply, giving) a small shrug like I didn't care� (It) didn't fool anybody.

Mark no longer smiled(.)

"We have to do what we have to do(.)" He replied frostily(I don't like the word "frostily" here, it sounds to emotional a word for his nonchalant statement. You could maybe do "coldly" or "coarsely"). I fought back the words that had risen to my lips but- (Try "I tried to fight back the words that came from my lips.)

"WELL MAYBE I DONT WANT TO" (This is why we have the exclaimation mark. TO capitalize everything to show emotion or yelling is a mark of an ametuer writer. Just say "'Well, maybe I don't want to!'" and italisize the whole phrase or the words you want him to really spit out)(I spat) My outburst (one word) shocked me(comma!) but he appeared unchanged. He smiled sadly (You just started the previous sentence with "He", do another word. Avoid using the same words to start a sentence, it bores the reader's eyes.)

"You have no choice(.)" he (stated as he) walked slowly away from me. Tears were po(u)ring down my cheeks, crossing paths with the raindrops. Then I made up my mind. (This is out of place and awkward, and you need to transition into your flashbacks more smoothly)



The laugh was still etched into the man's face as he fell, blood washing the white tiles red. I backed out the room, stunned at what I'd done. I collapsed onto the floor, and started to wretch, then vomit(,) then wretch again(,) (un)til nothing else could come up. (Wretch and vomit are pretty much the same thing, choose another action, like sputter or gasp) Then (This is a word my mother's first graders use as a transtition, be a writer, break the mold! =P) I stayed sitting (un)til the walls stopped revolving and I could get up. (Making) my way shakily to the exit, (I drew a) forced shuddering breath after forced shuddering breath. (Don't start all your sentences with I, and don't use words like "Then", "Next", "Now", "First", etc. They are too simple and amatuer sounding, your stories will sound much more mature without them)

I hated myself. (Don't state emotions, show them through imagery and metaphor. This line is very simple and can be said by any elementary school kid. Try showing you hate yourself, or use words like "self-hate" or "self-loathe". For example, "I wallowed in my pit of self-loathing and hate, telling myself I shouldn't even be alive right now. I didn't deserve anything but a dirt-filled grave and cold, blank tombstone after what I had done.")



A lorry (a what? I'm guessing this is a car, but I'm not very sure...) was hurtling round the bend at around 100 M/H (We don't need a measurement, and unless your narrator is holding a speed clocker, I'd just end the sentence at "bend" and add something like "racing through the streets"), its lights two pools of gold (gold doesn't seem light to me, like glowing. Gold is a darker, heavier color than headlights. Try another word for light, expand your word choice a bit...) looming out of the darkness. It was coming nearer, approaching fast. I moved out of the bus shelter, my hair blown back in a sudden gust of wind(.) (M)y exposed skin (was) soaked instantly (in the heavy downpour).

My eyes fluttered closed as I stepped (lightly) into the road.

This is a very good, non-cliche story. You avoided many predicted endings and picked the most surprising yet still slightly predictable option, a very good thing to have for an comclusion. Nice job!

[Lulu~Forshage]

Very entertaining. I liked the feel of the story; it was a little more different than the other stories. The title fits quite well, and I suppose that is what attracted me to it in the first place. You should add more, and, if you decide to, do you mind messaging me and letting me know? Thank you.

~Lulu.