Alone

Not really a story, just emotion.

She's struggling to breath. She bites her lips to stop the sobs that are about to shake them. Biting them so hard it draws tiny pricks of blood. She can't allow herself to cry. She wont allow it. He'll be back. He had promised. She made him promise. But as she sat, curled into a tight ball, she knows he wont be. She closes her eyes, hands curled tight around her tummy, trying to stop the hole that has formed there from eating her up. A single tear manages to squeeze out of her blue grey eyes and rests upon her cheek. She reaches up a hand angrily, to brush it aside but the movement is too much. Another tear, perfectly formed, rolls down her cheek and is quickly followed by more. She wraps her body into a tighter ball and buries her head in her arms, letting the tears come. Her body is shaking but she makes no sound, curled up on the dusty wooden floor. She suffers alone.

Author's Note

I'm 13 with spelling dislexia, so im expecting there to be a lot of mistakes. Please help me correct them :)

Reviews

[Céce]

This is a very touching piece, Anya. It nearly made me cry. I love the story and emotions behind it, because I have felt that way countless times when I wait for people (or expect things out of people) and they leave me on my own to suffer. It's one of the worst, most desperate feelings in the world to suffer and not have anyone to pull you close or stroke your face. I know.

As for the technical problems, there weren't very many, other than misplaced or extra commas. Here is most of the mistakes here:

A single tear manages to squeeze out of her blue, grey eyes and rests upon her cheek. She reaches up a hand angrily, to brush it aside but the movement was too much. Another tear, perfectly formed, rolls down her cheek that is quickly followed by more.

Like the comma between blue and grey. It should just be blue grey or blue-grey. No comma is needed.

And the second sentence could be better constructed like this: She reaches up a hand angrily to brush it aside, but the movement is [not "was"] too much.

The third sentence only has a tiny problem. Change "that is" to "and is". The "that" is awkward.

Okay, I really don't like picking out technical problems because I feel like a harsh critic, but since you asked, I did. Those are just tiny little errors though. Overall, I loved this story, and how you captured the feelings of being alone.

Jane

[(:]

He'll be back? I doubt that. He must've left her in that state on purpose. Anyways, it's good. :)

[Leah]

You are thirteen? This is very good, especially since you are so young. The raw emotion is beautifully sad. The poor girl, that wretched man. How alone and abandoned she must be! It is so unfortunate, but you did a wonderful job letting these emotions flow out of you. Thank you for sharing this with the world!

[Little Amy Lee]

The detail in this is breath taking.
amazing work
=]