Loving Fear

A description of Love, or rather the unhealthy kind of love, the one that consumes you in a way that leaves you helpless and defenseless.

Loving Fear

 

Have you ever experienced that burning sensation in your heart? The one that pumps through your entire body and consumes you so entirely?

 

Have you ever felt a desire so strong, it physically paralyses you, blinds you from the world until one specific light brings back your sight?

 

They say it is normal, they even named it. They call it Love. But it is not love, no, it's Fear. The symptoms described are those of fear; anxiousness, high awareness, constant nervousness, loss of appetite. These symptoms are evoked by one source, a person. And only that person holds the power to awaken this fear inside you.

When they are standing in front of you, you are mesmerized by their face. You are terrified to run out of time, out of time to memorize the smallest features.

 

So you rush. 

 

You look at their eyes, but you are blinded by them, afraid they might catch you staring. And very soon you have already forgotten their color. Because you had to look away, your body could not handle their powerful gaze looking back at you, exposing you and leaving you vulnerable to them. Afraid they might see the power they hold over you.

 

You look at their nose, and forget to notice how it is a perfect centerpiece for that face. You are hypnotized by the way the air fills their nostrils, and the way your own breath synchronizes with theirs. Then your eyes drop to their mouth, and linger there for a few extra moments, while you wonder what it would feel like to taste them. You imagine them as sweet as nectar that you would gently caress and savor. Your heart flutters when these lips smile, your eyes tear up when you hear that laugh. It is too much to handle, too much to bear. A tone so unique, it resonates in your ears for days, like sound waves in space, traveling through eternity, never faltering.

 

You stand back a see their hair, glowing, as they somehow perfectly catch the sunlight, making you squint at their brightness. They float majestically, dancing to the tempo of the wind, staying perfectly in tune with one another.

 

Then the wind picks up their scent, and you desperately attempt to suck it all in, not letting a single molecule escape. A scent your brain can recreate almost on command, making your body stiff, and your limbs numb. It is a scent so unique, so personal that is etched in a specific area of the brain. When recalled, it has the ability to illusion your body of their presence.

 

You rush through the details. 

 

When they are away, you find yourself wondering if you missed a freckle, maybe a scar under the chin, or perhaps the shape of their earlobe.

 

You dread the moment you part, terrified because there wasn't enough time to memorize it all. You fear you will not get another opportunity to study the face you cherish the most. You were so consumed by these features that Time seemed to break the laws of science, it did not make any sense, it confuses and stresses you. 

 

But when you do see that face again, you have to start all over again, because all of the features seem to have transformed overnight, they had somehow embellished and seem unnaturally beautiful. Perhaps your brain tried to rationalize, making you believe that the Beauty you thought you saw, could not be real, so it forgets, it underrates it. And so you begin memorizing them all over again, while a breathtaking fear runs through your veins again, somehow hotter and fiercer than yesterday. 

 

You are even more terrified.

 

The worst shades of Fear are the ones you experience when you are apart from that face, and you start to wonder if it was not a dream, an illusion your mind created, and so, very quickly, the details you once knew so well, the ones you spent hours memorizing, start to fade. And that scares you even more, because you don't want to lose such a precious memory, the memory of that person's face, the memory of such Beauty.

 

You will your mind to recreate the complete picture, you command it to recall their scent. And you live in a constant fear as it all slips away.

YM

Author's Note

Please let me know what you think of this writing and whether or not it manages to capture the emotion. Thanks to all

Reviews

[R Smith]

I think you have encapsulated love and fear very well, i can relate especially to the fear when i was young because of the mounting excitement of a meeting that was so desired but turned more and more to fear as the time approached, would i be able to make her laugh, make her happy, make her like me enough to see me again and sometimes the almost paralyzing fear that would almost make me run screaming in agony rather than go through with meeting, the fears of youth, do i remember each detail of her face when she's gone, i do and that's enough for me, well done :)