A Monologue of a Dying Man

“Indeed old friend. So shall I bid you farewell now?” This question was succeeded by my approving nod, followed by a faint smile that expressed sorrow and happiness, then him pulling the trigger and watching my brain splatter outside my head to the granite wall behind me, and finally after my whole life flew right in front of my eyes; was the cold, cold ground. There was a brief moment of silence, and then I could hear soft music. The tune of Frank Sinatra’s “Fly me to the Moon”. How funny. Then it all ends here.

 

            But wait, why would I even start a story with the end? Of course you’d like to know everything. So maybe I’ll start with my birth… But that then would be too far. So I’ll start with approximately 12 years before this glorious day. And to start it right, I’ll start it with: “Once upon a time…”

 

            Once upon a time, there was a boy. Now that boy was a good kid. He was mild-mannered, god-fearing, humble, and respectful and all the other synonymous crap you could think of, therefore utterly spineless. In other words, he was a stereotype kid of maybe even seven to eight years of age. To his parents, he was the perfect son. To his friends, he was the perfect friend even. And of course as pride would eat up a child like him because of his tender age, he believed that he was exactly perfect.

 

            That child is me, or rather, was me. That was me just before my pride swallowed me whole and digested me in its tracks. Though it would have seemed that I was perfect, there were still numerous flaws present, such as awareness and wisdom. Awareness of what was happening to me, and the wisdom to understand and control that, plus many more which we couldn’t enumerate further.

 

            That “fall” started back in the second grade, where I discovered how to talk in class, how to not listen to the teachers and everything else that the “average” kid does. And on another note, I was getting beat up on an almost daily basis, for as I’ve stated I was: “utterly spineless”. This started turning me into what I am now: cynical, sadistic, smug, and vulgar.    

 

            During the course of those 5 or so years, I acquired a uniquely worthy friend. We seemed to do everything together, from eating to walking to some place before we go our separate ways. But this isn’t the reason why I call him “worthy”. It’s simply because of something that he taught me: “If you want to survive this school, let alone the whole world, keep your head up high just enough to see the sun to repel those demons around you, but just low enough so you won’t go blind. I lived those words daily, and pride mustered up in me yet again. The only difference is I’m wiser, and I’m aware of that pride. Back then you could’ve seen me strut around places like a king without giving a single care about anyone or anything. And if there is perhaps a next life, I would still do the same.

 

            Now onwards to about 9 months before this auspicious day, something big came onto my family’s way. It seems as though as my mom got pregnant, and therefore, I have a baby brother coming our way! Oh how I rejoiced and laughed at school that day! Everything was going my way, and everything was just right.

 

            8 months and 2 weeks later, we discovered that   my mom will experience some difficulties in giving birth. I don’t know what those were, but that made me start praying, and praying, and praying to God through countless of saints such as St. Paul and even St. Lorenzo Ruiz.

 

            Then finally came that day; to a week before this day. My dad and I, and all my relatives were all waiting outside the operating room. I was wearing a white collared shirt with my favorite pair of blue jeans and chucks while listening to my iPod. The song playing then was “Don’t Let me Down” by the Beatles, and during that time, the operation was almost done. A few minutes later the light in the room turned off. It was done. The doctor came out with a sad expression and just said to us: “I’m sorry”. At this point the song playing was “Fly me to the Moon”, as if fate was congratulating me with a job well done. We all peeked inside, and we all broke into tears. Both my mother and my brother died.

 

            All my faith in God turned into hate and every aspect of me whether negative or positive rose to distant heights. Then I simply shutdown to everyone I knew, excluding myself from any gathering or whatnot.

 

            And on this promising day, about an hour before the gunshot, I called my only friend who was actually capable of talking to me. I asked him to meet me by the alley where our old friends would meet. He quickly noticed that I was hiding a gun inside my jacket, and then he asked, “Why?”

 

“Why, you ask? Well it’s simple, my dad just hanged himself in the bathroom the night after the operation, we’re broke; or rather I’m broke, I have no family left in this world because well; my relatives don’t want me. So in a nutshell, I have no reason to continue living. And if I have no reason to live, it is right to say that life is pointless. Therefore, why would I continue living if the purpose of life is to live, and I don’t have a way and reason to live?

 

He didn’t answer back.

 

“You’ve taught me once that ‘If you want to survive this world, keep your head up high just enough to see the sun to keep those demons at bay, but just low enough so you won’t go blind’. Do you still remember this?

 

“Of course I do. That’s my own motto” he said.

 

“Well I’m just not for surviving. I kept my head up high to see the sun, but the demons were behind me conspiring. And even if I kept it low, pride yet again turned me blind. So now, put on these gloves, take this gun, point it to my head and pull the trigger. I promise you, it won’t be a murder. I already prepared everything prior to this day, in turn; just do what I’m asking you to do.

 

“So you’ve really made up your mind?”

 

“Yeah kid…” “Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars, let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.

 

Then my friend finally broke his silence and started lecturing me.

 

 “Do you really think that by letting me kill you�"no, that by killing yourself, your brother or your mother would come back? Don’t you realize that you’re putting your head down? Therefore negating all of your beliefs and your way of life? Don’t you�"

 

“That’s precisely my point, no one would come back even if I live or die. So wouldn’t it be easier to end the pain; rather than taking it everyday with a blind idea of what’s coming next? And come on, I just said that I lost my reason for living. So would you just do what I say?

 

“Indeed old friend, so shall I bid you farewell now?” A nod, a gunshot, the cold, a song… Ah freedom!

Reviews

[Kho-San]

I really really like this, the philosophy in it is very interesting (even if I don't agree with it) the story itself is very depressing, showing a man, or rather a boy who's lost everything and believes that he has nothing to live for. I don't think that a friend would ever do that, but hey, it's your tale to tell, and your choice what he does and what he doesn't do.
Fantastic piece, and I've got absolutely no complaints.
95/100 and going in my favorites.