Hello

It starts with hello and before you know you’re tripping over words and your heart is skipping before you can get a hold of your tongue the words come tumbling out and you stand there holding a breath you didn’t realize you had even caught as the three words hang in the air or sit on the screen between you and someone you would have never known. 

Then there’s smiles and laughs at the awkward silence and it is said back because of impulse or because it’s the truth but it’s out now and you can’t take it back because even if you don't remember or if you regret them once words are out they are forever and someone will always remember them and that’s what makes it hurt so absolutely when it falls apart.

When the simple hello you now wish had never happened turns into an earth and heart shattering goodbye and you wish you had never said it, sent it, thought it at all because even though it lasted less time than every other smile the grimace of pain following the goodbye is what you’ll remember better than everything. 

And thinking of the smile that used to bring butterflies to your stomach brings a different kind that make you feel like you’re losing your mind and you would rather throw them up then have to feel them everytime that name is said around you or dances through your mind because you told yourself that last time would be just that, the last time. 

But you see someone holding a hand or passing a smile and you can’t help but daydream of the one who used to hold your heart in both hands and as soon as you start to feel the smile on your lips you open your eyes and feel the sting of your teeth biting into the bottom lip that used to be kissed feather lightly and you bring your fingertips to run across it to ease the pain and you feel another sting because that’s what they used to do. A thumb running across your bottom lip to stop it from being torn between your teeth, before a kiss was placed on your chapped lips. 

And it’s because of that damn hello that was so small and should have been so insignificant, just a small four little letter greeting turned your world upside down. 

That’s why it’s so hard to put yourself into the world where you have to start a conversation with the same word that ended up breaking you.