Stolen Identity 2: The Quest For Timmy

So the characters are back (and some new ones) As war works its way into the land of..whatever the hell it ends up being. There are kids in well, crazy kings, and an ending you'll probably see coming.

A bead of sweat trickled down my forehead as my fingers carefully swirled the purple fog from one goblet to the other. I bit my lip, hoping I would find comfort and concentration in the silly action. It worked. My movements became slightly quicker and less smoke was being lost during the transfer. Pride and satisfaction began to sweep across me as my improvements became more drastic. At that moment, the purple fog sunk to the ground, spilling across the dirty cave floor. Before panic had a chance to set in, I had already gathered the fog, settled it in one of the goblets and gulped it down. Suddenly, a painful sting shot up my cranium and distorted my vision. 

"Ya stupid girl! Don't be messin up! Ye ain't ever gonna be no witch."

"I'm sorry father," I grumbled, standing up off the ground and dusting my dress clean.

" 'Sorry' ain't gonna be doin' ya much good when ya' got a damn blade at yer throat!

 I said nothing. Instead, I stood there silently with my eyes cast to the earth and my head hanging in shame. He sighed.

"Oye, Holly. I'm not meanin notin by fussin at ya. I just don't wanna be seein ya hurt, thats all. Ye understand?" 

I nodded. "Aye, father. I do."

He grunted and hobbled towards the back of his cave. "Alrighty now. Get on your way." 

"Yes father," I mumbled, trudging slowly from the cave. My body immediately switched into auto pilot as my mind wandered aimlessly.  Thoughts of failure and my future danced around in my head. I failed to notice the nagging voice behind me. 

"Holly! D****t! Listen to me woman!" the sarcastic voice screeched.

I turned to get a look at my pursuer...and smiled.

"Oye! Blake!"

The exhausted and obnoxiously skinny knight slowed to a stop beside me. He looked at me and placed an arm around my shoulders. "Ello love."

"What you in such a rush for?" I grinned.

He shrugged. "Not sure. The kings wants to see me and I was on my way there. Until I saw you, of course. I'll just ditch and spend the day with you."

"Like hell you will!" I snapped. "Come on. I'm takin' you to the castle."

He shrugged and grabbed my hand, interlocking it with his own. "Find by me."

We laughed and talked the entire journey to the castle. Once we arrived, Blake showed the guards his crest, waited for them to nod their approval, and walked into the castle.

"Where the hell is the blasted throne room? So many damn rooms!" 

"I'm going to take a shot in the dark here but I'm figurin' it's that en," I grinned, pointing towards a set of large red doors with a large golden crest split between the two. Two heavily armed guards stood outside the door, stiff as a oak tree, waiting to attack. I walked merrily towards the door and walked into the throne room. It was the same as in the last story, so I shan't have another inner-thought description. If you're that curious, go read the first one. Actually. If you haven't read the first one, GO THE HELL AWAY! You don't know what happened or what's gonna happen later. Shoo! Scat! Begone! Ok....hmm...where were we? Oh yes...

"Your majesty," Blake and I said rhythmically, bowing as we spoke. 

However, his attention was not focused on us. Rather so, he seemed to be having a long, in depth conversation with a more than uninterested coconut. 

I nudged Blake's arm. "Looks like he's switching it up. The last three times it was a pineapple."

Blake grinned but remained silent, trying to hear what it was the king spoke of.

"Listen boy, listen here. I've gots a mission fer ya. There's been rumors from up north bout a most treacherous deed...a most treacherous deed indeed..." I looked at Blake and raised an eyebrow at the Kings word choice, "A deed so horrible, so disgusting, so downright positively looney! Someone..." The king leaned in closer towards the unresponsive coconut and glanced around suspiciously. Blake and I also leaned in closer, hoping to hear what it was that was so frighteningly horrible. "has..." We leaned in even closer. All of a sudden, the king jumped to his feet, causing his chair to do a complete 360 degrees flip in the air and crash against the tiled floor with a defining clatter. "THROWN TIMMY INTO A WELL!!!!!" 

I looked at Blake. Blake looked at me. We both stood there, mouths agape. 

"Who the bloody hell is Timmy?" he asked. I shrugged my shoulders. 

"Sir Blake, do accept the mission? Here is the map and I am willing to supply you with any food-heaven forbid you should need it-or horse you require," King Cardo declared desperately. 

"I reckon I'm going to save Timmy then," Blake mumbled. He walked over to the table and snatched the map from the table has the King continued to discuss other ridiculous things with his new friend.

I tucked a piece of hair my ear as I watched Blake fill his saddle bag with the provisions given to him by the King. I couldn't help but give a slight chuckle as it finally hit me how insanely tiny this man was. Not so much in height, just in waist size. I snapped back into reality as a hand gripped my shoulder. I looked up and stared at Blake's half-hearted smiling face.

"Well," he sighed. "I should be off."

"Hm. Yes. I believe you should," I said with a smile. He grinned even wider and wrapped me in a sudden hug.

"I'm gonna miss you, Holly."

"I'll miss you too, Blake. Maybe." 

He laughed at my sarcastic joke and kissed my forehead. "Well. Goodbye. I'll see you in a few weeks, love."

"In a few weeks..." I trailed off. It seemed so far away. "alright. In a few weeks. Goodbye. I love you."

"I love you too."(awwwwwwwwwwkward >.>)

I smiled and waved goodbye as he hopped onto his new battle horse given to him by the king. I think he named it Rocky. As he rode away I felt a pang of loneliness shoot through me. I dismissed the feeling and turned towards the castle, ready to take on whatever else the day was ready to offer me. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I nodded my head to the beat of the rain as it dripped against the roof. Such a melodic sound. It made all my worries just melt away...it...devoured me in a comforting blanket of sleep. Sleep...the almost foreign concept seemed so relaxing. So welcoming. So....awesome.

"I have the battle plans drawn out and ready to send to our allies."

I jolted forward, snapping out of my semi-sleeping state. I sat up straight in my chair and cleared my throat, which was groggy from sleep. I stretched my arms and back and looked my visitor straight in the eye. 

"Already? Very good. Lemme see." I extended my hand for the rolled up parchment. 

"We received a messenger hawk from our allies, the Celts. They have offered to assist in battle, and have even begun shipping in their best warriors from lands across the sea," the man who had delivered the plans said robotically. He was a tall guy, with curly, dark brown hair and light blue eyes. His chin was rounded and his shoulders were broad. He was very attractive. no time for making googly eyes I thought harshly to myself. Romance could wait. Now was a time of battle. A time to fight. A time for romance.

The man had noticed my stare. "Um, my names Co-"

"It's not the time," I snapped, brushing off his advances. "Perhaps later." He nodded. "Hmm. I'm impressed. This will work out better than I thought!" I said with a grin.

"Well yes. However, there is one problem."

"What might that be?"

"Well you see, our hawk was caught in a net and has broken his wing. We have no way of transporting the plans."

I bit my lip and began to think. This was quite a predicament. We were scheduled to attack in less than four months. It would take two two months for the warriors across the sea to arrive and another half a month for the Celts to make their way to our castle...It would take too long to send an actual person...

"S**t!" I growled. I placed my head in my hands and massaged my temples. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

The man just stood there and shrugged. I let out a roar of frustration that gradually became louder. At that moment, a squeaking sound filled my ears and something soft and light landed on my shoulders. I turned my head and stared into a pair of larger green eyes.

"PERFECT!" I screeched, snatching the tiny animal from my shoulder and tossing it into the air, catching it in my arms and spinning around. "Oh you marvelous creature!" The man raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"Don't you see?!" I shouted. "It's all so simple! We send this little devilish creature to deliver the plans!"

"Oh! I see! What a brilliant plan!" he chimed. 

"Well what else would you expect? I'm a rather brilliant person!" 

I dashed over to the massive cupboard on the opposite end of the room and began searching frantically. With a cry of success, I whirled around to reveal a bottle of blackberry wine. The man looked at me, an eyebrow raised in a quizzical manner. I smiled in triumph.

"We must celebrate! Today, everything comes in order! All my years of hard work, they have all lead up to this very day!" I shouted, my voice rising in enthusiasm. I dashed over towards the desk I had previously been sitting at. I placed two large goblets on the smooth wooden surface and filled each one to the brim with the dark liquid. I handed one to the man and raised the other to my lips. 

The man had begun to raise the glass to his lips when Mort, my flying companion who’s aerial skills would bring about my rise into power…and soon, my revenge on that blasted witch and her filthy ilk. I needed her magic to help me overthrow the king so I could claim his kingdom as my own. She was the youngest witch in Europe, and completely inexperienced, making her an easier target than any of the older witches and warlocks.

“Oye! Get out of my damn wine!” I cried, waving my arms at the tipsy lemur. Mort growled at me and made no attempt to detached himself from the bottle. Instead, I had to jerk it from him, further infuriating him. “You’ve a job to do!” I tied the battle plans to his neck with a blue silk ribbon. “Once you’ve completed your task, you shall be rewarded with all the wine your lemur-heart can handle!”

　

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cheers and laughter erupted from the crowded room as I entered the small building. I glanced up at the sign hanging above the door frame, symbolizing my cross from reality to sweet escape called The Anthrax Pub. Wasn’t the cheeriest name, I’ll admit, but the atmosphere was pleasant.

“Oye! Holly! Come sit with us!”

I turned towards the drunken cries and smiled, waving back at my old friends. They each raised their half empty glasses of ale in the air, erupting into a slurred chorus of ’Stacy’s Mum”. It was a song I had often heard sung at The Anthrax. After grabbing my own mug of ale, I rushed over to join the rest of my losers.

“Why ain’t you all up singin’ on the stage?” I asked them jokingly, knowing what the response would be.

“Cause yer notin but a towel!” Savannah screeched, laughing hysterically at her own wit. The others quickly joined in, banging their fists on the wooden table tops.

I nodded towards an awkward looking fellow sitting next to Preacher Walden-well, after hours he went by Truett-and mumbled “Who’s that guy?”

The blue-eyed stranger lowered his eyes, his cheeks turning slightly red. I noticed that the glass of ale before him had remained untouched. “I’m-uh…George…”

“Gerge?” I questioned, unsure of what he had said.

“The fool’s name is George!” Jay shouted, wrapping his arm around the tall fellow’s neck. Such a silly comparison.

“I think ’Gerge’ sounds be’ar!” Dillon slurred, eyeing the bottom of his empty mug suspiciously. “Now where in tha’ ‘ell has me drank gune?”

“Oye, hush up, you ole’ drunk!” Dillan scolded. The group of wasted peasants joined in together in another wave of laughter. I shook my head and began to down my ale. No sooner than I began had the whole room began to chant “chug! Chug! Chug!” in a perfect drunken harmony.

“Don’t ya know you’ll get sick drinkin’ that away!” A new voice scolded. The room fell dead silent as a cloaked figure burst through the door, walking step by step towards where we were sitting. The shadow of his hood kept his face concealed, spiking the levels of mystery.

I stood from my chair, nominating myself as represenitive of this confrontation. "Who are you?" I questioned, my eyes remaining locked on the figure as it pulled out a chair and sat at our table. My intoxicated companions, I noticed, had fled to the corner along with the other weary bar-goers. I was in this alone. The man continued to remain silent, gesturing me with his hand to sit. Unsure of whether it was a good idea or not, I refused. 

"Who are you?" I repeated. "Answer me!"

The stranger chuckled and removed his cloak. A greying beard framed his chin and twiddled over his upper lip in a rather impressive combination . However, what really captured my eyes was not the remarkble facial hair, rather the pair of massive ram horns which sat upon his head. They were attached to a brown leather cap which hid his hair, giving him an ammusing bald appearance. As his apperance became visible, his chuckle faded into a serious grimace, his greying eyebrows pushed together in a bushy display of concentration. 

"I will not ask you again!" I shouted, slamming my fist onto the fragile table top. "Who the hell are you?!"

He continued to stare at me with the grimacing concentration, his mouth slightly agape. Finally, his voice broke the silence of the room. "I…am an enchanter." 

"By what name are you known?" I hissed, impatience boiling within me.

"There are some who call me…" We all leaned in closer, anticaption rising in us the longer the strange stranger paused. "Tim."

No longer threatned by such a silly name, I took the seat across from him. "Greetings, Tim the Enchanter."

"Greetings, Holly."

"How do you know my name?" I asked, astonished. 

"I know many things."

"What buisness have you here?"

"Use proper sentences, you nitwit. You're no neanderthal!"

"Oy! I'll talk how I will and if ye have such a problem with it, then suck it!"

He stared at me quizzingly, as if appalled yet impressed by my phrase. Clearing his throat, he continued to speak. He leaned across the table lowering his voice.

"A bring a prophecy." 

"A prophecy?"

"A prophecy!" A loud boom erupted from outside the tavern, followed by paniced and screams and the alarmed quaking of frantic ducks. Tim the Enchanter remianed unphased, seeming pleased at the destruction he had apparently just caused.

"Well what of a prophecy? Explain yourself!" I demanded. 

"An enemy long forgotten rises from the ashes, growing stronger with each passing moon. On the eve of full lunar glow, a clash of alliances will begin and you will fall." 

I had noticed during his pretty little poem, cryptic music had begun to fill the tavern. I glanced over at Dillon irritadley. "Knock of the Lute will ya?"

He looked at me furiously, "Oye! ain't no Lute, it's a Mandolin! Humph!"

I rolled my eyes and turned back to Tim. "What do you mean?"

He grinned. "The King will fall. The Kingdom will fall. You will all die."

I was enrgaed at his predictions. "D****t, Tim the Enchanter!" I began to congure a spell that would seal his lips forever. However, as I began to pull in the magic, a wall of flame encircled the Enchanter, causing my concentration to bring as I lifted my arms to sheild my face from the heat. Once the smoke had settled, Tim was gone. 

The tavern eruppted into a frenzy of paniced discussion. As the voices rose into an ear splitting hum, I dashed from the Anthrax pub. I had to alert the king.

The Forest seperating the village from the castle had grown dark along with the night. As a child I had heard rumors of vicous wildcats running loose within the woods. Though being a magician, one magic spell and I could easily smoke those wildcats until there was nothing left but the skin. Even if magic was not at my aid, I still had to tell the king of the prophecy. 

The moon was full, illuminating the entire path in white and silver. Though as I ran, a sensed a shadow pass above me, casting dwn onto the earth. I glanced up and skidded to a halt, staring up at the unusual creature that circled the sky above me. It emitted a terrifying screech mixed with what sounded like a 'boinging' noise. It didn't take the small creature long before he crashed striaght to the earth, remianing still. oh god don't be dead, you poor bird! I ran towards the creature. It wasn't a bird after all, but a large eyes creature with wings. It's tail was stripped and it appeared to be sleeping. As I neared the unconcious animal, the smell of wine invaded my nostrils. The little beast was drunk! Fancy that. 

I scooped up the little creature, deciding I would sit him in a tree so hed be safe until he awoke from his slumber. As I lifted him up I noticed a small piece of parchment tied by a blue ribbon to his neck. 

"Oy, what's this? A message?" I slipped the peace of paper out of the ribbon, the creature replying only with a breif hiccup then a loud snore. I smiled and unfloded the paper. As I read, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Tim was right about one thing. And if his entire prophecy was correct, then we only had til the next full moon. I tucked the paper and the creature into my pocket and took off towards the castle. I had to warn King Cardo.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The small village was alive with laughter and the buzzing of voices. Merchants haggled, beggars begged, men discussed the prices of pigs and each others daughters, women yelled at children as they stewed up that evenings supper.

 I had dismounted my horse and was leading him through the crowd, becoming increasingly infuriatted at the amount of people in my way. I finally managed to squeeze my way to a small bakers shop.

"Like some bread?" the chubby old man at the counter asked.

"Got any ale on ya? I'll pay ya a gold shilling."

"Oye! What do I look like to ya, a pub?"

"Two gold shillings."

The man grunted but dissappeared to the back room.

I looked at my horse and giggled. "Im not giving him two gold shillings."

The horse neighed and shook his head, as if he was dissapointed in me. 

"Oye!" I scolded. "Just cuz I'm a knight don't mean I'm not chilvirous or whatever the hell that word is."

The man returned with the glass of ale, but paused before handing it to me. I sighed, knowing this wasn't going to be as easy as I had hoped. I made the man the promised amount and gulped down the delightful drink.

"Oye, 'scuse me sir, but would you happen to know of any wells nearby?"

His arms locked and tensed as he froze in place, his eyes glaring intensly at the freshly kneaded dough. He jerked his panic pupils towards me, then began glancing nervoulsy sround the room. In one giant clumsy stride, the old man circled the room, shutting the curtians and locking the door.

"What do you know of our wells?" He asked suspicously, his voice a mer whisper. 

I sipped my Ale nonchalantly, pretending to be in control. "oye, I know plenty of things. But what I need you to tell me is which one little Timmy is stuck in."

The man raised an eyebrow quizzicly, as if he was unsure of what it was I spoke of. He was good at playing dumb, but I was better!

"Well?" i inquired. 

"Well….what?" he questioned.

"The Well, you fool!" I was becoming increasingly irritated.

"There is no well!"

"There is so a well!" The man was silent. "Well!?"

"Well?"

"THE WELL, DAMN YOU! THE WELL!"

"Oh right! The Well!" he grinned, his gloomy mood suddenly brightening. I stared at the smiling fool for five minutes before decideing to push the matter further.

"Well?" I asked.

"Well what?" His grin was still broad. I shook my head in aggetation. I tossed my empty glass onto the counter and exited the building in a haste. 

"You're notin but an ole loon!" I yelled, mounting my horse and galloping through the town. I would have to find the well my own way.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The village was quite as I made my round, surveying the streets for any spies or intruders. Usually it was alive with drunken partiers, late night mischeif makers, and stray animals begging for a meal. Not tonight. Since the King had the entire village alerted to the oncoming war, our small town had lost its life. 

I sighed and glanced up at the night sky. King Cardo had named me general of the army. I was in charge of planning everything and actually leading the attack. I planned on just enchanting everyone's weapons and turn them loose. However, the warriors-everyone in the village who was drunk enough at the time to accept-were less than enthusiastic about it.

My minds drifted away from thoughts of war and towards Blake. I had sent him a messanger hawk to inform him of the situation. It would take four days to arrive, which was how long we had until the battle. Just as I had began nodding off into my thoughts, a loud explosion jolted me awake. With not much time to react, I snatched my sword with one hand and formed a magical evaparation orb with the other. As i neared the source, I realized that the explosion came from Mrs. Prescotts workshop. 

Mrs. Prescott was the local weapons engineer and chemist. She had been in charge of developing mass amounts of weapons to be used in the battle and was quite skilled at what she did. Her expirence is what immdeitley lead me to believe she must have been attacked. 

"Show yourslef!" I cried as I entered the ruined room. Ash and rubble covered the floor, shardnels of glass and wood lying about the small hut. A heavy fog of yellow smoke blocked all details from my eyes, forcing my senses to heighten. A pile of wood began to shake, then a coughing figure erupted, sending the pieces flying. I ducked in time avoid a plank to the head. I sheathed my sword as the boy began explaining what happened through gasps.

The boy was giant, much taller than myself. I retained a smug giggle as he shook the rubble and powdered plaster from his sandy blonde hair. Pyscho, so he was called. The origin of such a name was never fully explained, it was just accepted and it stuck. He was Mrs. Prescott's apprentice, studying to learn the ways of weapons craftsmanship. 

He was almost done with his comical explination of the flame throwing canon gone wrong when a voice interupted.

"D****t, ya stupid boy! Done recked mey shop! It's comin out of yer pay, it is!" Mrs. Prescott grumbled, wheeling her way around the wreckage. Three years prior she had been jumped by a gang of pick-pocketing goblins who-unintentionly- disloacted and broke her hip, condeming her to a wheeled contraption.

"You don't pay no how!" Pyscho protested. 

She paused for a moment then nodded. "Huh, yer right. I sure don't. But if'ns I did, you'd be twenty shillings, ya would!"

After comforting the two and being assured they were in no more danger, I exited the building. I still had two more streets to scout before returnning home too sleep. After thrity minutes of walking and observing and ducking behind bushes I came to rest on the base of a statue. There were several of these carved from clay placed around the village, each of a rather valumpcious nude woman. They were all carved by the towns crafter and artist, Savannah.

 She didn't appear alot in the last story, but you'll see her true significance soon. Er-so I assume. I don't know what's going to happen…..*cough* back to the story….

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"D****t! That's the fifth well I've checked! How many damn wells are there in this bloody kingdom?"

I growled in rage, slumping to the ground. This sucked! I had been searching for four days for that damn Timmy, nothing! Surely he was dead by now, so why did I care? Besides, what was I supposed to do with the body? I sure as well wasn't taking his a*s back to the kingdom.

I kicked a rock towards a large boulder, hoping the impact would let out some of my frustration. The rock bounced of the stone and onto the other side. I was expecting to hear the thus of stone to grass. Rather, my ears picked up the slightest plop!  Water? A puddle, maybe? I leaned over the rock to take a peak. 

"Holy smokes!" I declred aloud, astonished at my find. A deep hole had been dug into the ground and was embroidered with pearls and crystals. The clear surface of the gems reflected the water at the bottom of the well. I was shocked at the sheer magnificence. This was it! If that damned brat was down there, I was going home!

"Timmy! Timmy? Timmy!?" I called down the dark hole. My only response was the lonely echo of my own voice. "Well, looks like he isn't there! Time to go home!" 

I walked away from the well-but not after pocketing a handful of crystals-and called for my horse. Instead of a four-legged mammal, my call was greeted by the shreik of a hawk. I was taken aback that the wild winged creature would mistake my shoulder for a branch. Though that was before I noticed the parachment tied to its leg. It must be rom the kingdom!

As I unrolled the small scroll I immediately recgonized Holly's handwriting. She must have missed me…or had remebered on some mistake I had made in the past and couldnt wait to crush my self esteem with more strict-yet ammusing-jokes. This assumption was what made the news of war so much harder to believe. I knew this was no laughing matter, though, because her letter was hurried and there were ink droplets on the corner. She was usually such a perfectionist, she never made mistakes. Not unless she was troubled. 

I dropped the letter and began rushing to find my horse. I had to get back! My Holly was in danger(now I'm just enjoying this >:D). But even if I rode as hard as the horse would carry me, there was no way I would make it back in time. The battle was today at dusk, and it was already noon. 

"S**T!" I cried, running my hands through my hair. "Where is that damn horse!?" On cue, I spun around to the sound of a delighted whiney and neighing. "Bout damn ti-" I was cut off by what stood before me.

Rather than the black and grey stead I was expecting, a magnificent beast was reared back before me. Its body was pure powdered pink, a golden mane blowing and twisting around its large brown eyes. A gleaming horn petruded from the forehead. Though what really took away my breath was the massive set of wings that had been folded back. Such a sight…I could practically see the heavnly glow emitting from the breath taking creature.

Not wanting to ponder too long, I mounted the pegasus-horse-unicorn thing and gripped her mane. "To the Kingdom!" I shouted. 

In response she unfolded her wings, allowing the feathers to explode in a show of pure awe. After stomping her golden glittery hooves, she let out a snort and began flapping ferociously. It only took a few seconds to asscend, and another minute before we reached maximum altitude and velocity. 

"Hang on Holly," I whispered into the blurring sky. "I'm coming for you."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The sight before me was truly pathetic. It was hard to retain a good laugh, for I had been expecting more than this. Upon Mort's failure to return, I quickly suspected our plans of being intercepted and that these fools would create an army. I knew their arms were no match for my norwegian allies, but I hadn't expected such a sad display. My eyes scanned the quivering fools on the opposite end of the battle field; that one was drunk, that one looked as if he'd piss himself, that one had pissed himself, that one looked pretty confident-all five feet of him, and that one….was she in a wheel chair? Ha! This was no contest. 

Though through the crowd of cowards, There was but one face I was focused on mauling. That b***h, she had ruined everything. Now I would return the favor. Plus I wanted my damn lemur back! I fingered the dagger in my pocket, careful not to prick myself on the toxic blade. One small cut and that fool would experience the pain of a poison unimaginable to her villagey soul.

I ran my eyes over my horned friends one last time. Massive brutes, they were. Muscled and bearded, clad in animal skins and leather armor. They enjoyed a good brawl, and were excellent bets at winning. It had already been decided. 

I was about to prepare for battle when she emerged, her very presence filling me with hate and disgust. Without a single word, the smug-a*s witch lifted a small, dangling figure. Unable to see from this distance, I inched a little closer. Still unable to obtain full visualization, I sighed in defeat and pulled out my spectacles. I often avoided wearing them, due to looking like such a dork. However, I would not ask her what it was she held, thus I had to swallow my pride and see for myself. In that instant, I hated that b***h more than I ever had before. My slain Mort hung limp, his neck dripping a fresh pool of blood onto the earth at Holly the Witch's feet. This b***h was going down. 

I raised my fist into the air and turned to my army-of at least a hundred, where hers only held thirty-forty. HA! 

"Attack!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The battle had been ragging on for thirty minutes already…so many people had died. I had already witnessed the fall of Matt, the village fool, Preacher Walden, Dillan, Dalton, Sir Jason, and many more. I was relieved to know my two good friends Holly and Angela were still alive and fighting well. They had the assistance of JP, a small, lanky jerk-wad to whom I often caught hell from. He was a dick, true, but I was glad they had an extra hand. Most of the village had been fighting well against the savage brutes and swift rangers. There were so many, though, I doubted we would pull through. Tim the Enchanter was right.

Unable to bear the murder anymore, I decided fighting was pointless. Screw this! I had sought refuge behind a small bush and was struggling to catch my breath. They Alpaca I had slain made for a comfy vest in which I wore over my armor. The pink and grey contrasted well with the shiny metal and mudded leather. Quite nice.

I jumped back in fright as a new figure stumbled into the bushed beside me. He was a big fellow, with long blonde hair and intense blue eyes. His features were strong and glowed with the sheer glory of his heavenly body. He was like a god! I hadn't seen him before, but it was the horned helmet and giant hammer which gave away his loyalty. He was on the other side.

"Oh!" he cried out, startled by me as much as I was him. "I apologize, I hadn't realized this bush was taken."

I could only stare at the perfection of his lips as he talked-no, sung-his apology. It was beautiful, like listening to honey roll over a field of sugar flowers. 

"Oh no," I finally forced out. "Don't apologize. It's quite alright." My eyes veered lower and lower, taking in every inch of him. He was magnificent. "There's plenty of bush to go around."

He smiled nervously and extended a hand. I shook it politely, wanting nothing more than to rip off those animal skins and ravage him right here and now.

"I'm Thor," he grinned.

"Savannah," I replied, wondering how loud he could scream.

"Crazy war stuff, huh? I think it's stupid," he sighed, laying his hammer on the ground. 

"I couldn't agree more! Complete horse s**t!" I concurred. I bet he's at least 8 inches….or more! Oh, praise Cthulu!!

He looked at me with an astonished grin. "You too, huh?"

I nodded in reply. What else could I do? I was mesmerized. Finally I squeaked out a meek; "I like your hammer!"

He picked it up and stroked the long handle slowly. I felt my eye twitch as I watched this movement, drool slowly dripping from my agape lips. "Yeah, it's gotten me through a hell of a lot of trouble! Would you like to touch it?"

"Oh god yes I'd like to touch your hammer!" I shrieked, running my hands all over the weapon of mass destruction. 

We sat there in silence as I touched his hammer in every possible way I could. I pulled away finally, still gazing into his baby blues. In a mute agreement, we collided together in a fury of kisses and bites. This continued until we were joined together in every since of the word.

But of course, out of nowhere, it had to happen. The bushes parted, revealing a tiny boy with a shaved head. He smiled a toothy grin, appearing to be only about 10 years old. However I knew him from the village, and he was no child. Brandon was an acquaintance whom I had known over the corse of living in the village. He had become friendly fellow who enjoyed hugs, thus I never though much of him. But now, we stood before me, a living and breathing c**k-blocker. 

He jumped up onto a rock, holding back the bushes even farther. Mine and my new lover's nude bodies were now completely exposed to the entire battle field. 

"SILENCE!" The tiny figure boomed. His demand was more than his typical, shy voice. It was terrifying, and echoed all across the plain. Everyone froze in mid battle, stopping to stare at the tiny boy, then us. "Why do we fight?" He called out, his voice trampling over every other sound. He had the voice of a true heroic speaker. "Why should we kill our brothers and sisters, when we can join together in love and peace? You say its impossible, but look at these two! In a time of war and hate, they have found love! Let us all drink from the goblet of fellowship and truce!"

As if his words took a magical hold on them all, everyone from both sides dropped their weapons and ran towards each other with outstretched arms rather than spears and swords. And so, just like that, the war was over. Yep, that simple. Sex and a pretty speech was all it took. Well, except for two enemies still battling fiercely at the end of the field.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My magic deflected every blow given. What my powers didn't defend, my sword did. It wasn't two hard to fight with both, thanks to the aid of enchantment. I noticed that everyone around us had suddenly stopped fighting. But not us. It was clear that she wasn't going to stop anytime soon, and I definitely wasn't planning on surrendering. It was a fight to the death.

"You killed my baby, you b***h!" my opponent screamed, her eyes ablaze with rage. "I'll scalp your sorry a*s!"

"Try it! I dare you!"

She growled in frustration and pivoted on her left leg, spinning around to deliver another blow. However, a quickly formed shield of purple magic stopped her sword dead in its path. This further pissed her off, causing her to release a crescendoing screech of irritation. 

"I'll kill you!" She screamed.

"No you Won't!" I countered "You were born of woman!"

"My mother had a C-section!" She cried, laughing with hysteric rage.

I gasped in horror as her sword cut through my magic shield and dug into my arm. The pain was indescribable, but I had to push through.

"Wait a moment!" I stopped, using a sudden burst of magic to disarm her. She stared at me in confusion and rage.

"YOU WERE A JACKET!" she snapped.

"Wtf?"

"….I….don't know…..oxygen deprivation? Sorry" she lowered her eyes in embarrassment. 

I just shook my head and continued. "Why the hell are we fighting?"

"Because I want your kingdom! And you killed my damn lemur!"

"Oye, I didn't really kill him! Twas a stuffed animal coated in ketchup. i could never hurt that cute little son of a b***h. I even found him a girlfriend! Named her Morticia, I did!"

She blinked in confusion then dropped to her knees. "So…it's over?"

I smiled. "its over!"

The crowd around me erupted into a wave of applause as we stood side by side, shaking hands in union. We had come to peace. 

The girl raised her hands to the sky and shouted "A round for everyone! On me!"

The cheers inflamed once again and everyone dwindled into town, leaving the bloodied dead behind along with the weapons.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My heart stopped when the battle field came into view. Corpses were lying everywhere, blood and weapons covering the green of the grass. When my magical stead landed,I jumped off in a hurry and drew my sword.

"Fear not, Holly my love! I have arri-" I glanced around, realizing everyone was gone. "I…I missed the battle?"

I dropped my sword in anguish. Who had one? Was my Holly still alive? Just then a small chant erupted from the forest, followed by a yellow wave of small creatures. As they neared, I noticed they were drapped in loin cloths with bones pierced through their noses. 

"Yuri! Yuri! Yuri!" They repeated in their tribal chant. Terrified, I was caught off guard when one of the creatures kicked me in the groin, forcing me to fall back into the lake of 2 feet tall monsters. I tried to protest, but they had completely absorbed me and held me down, slowly making their way back into the forest, me as their prisoner. And soon, their sacrifice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So in the end Holly the Witch wasn't dead, but at least my Mort was happy. Sure I didn't have the kingdom, but at least I had friends….and a full night of free ale. They all danced and sang and talked with me as if I was one of them. The vikings and my other rangers also joined in, contributing to the massive party. It was a celebration fit for a king. Which, was also there. He had come to alert us he would be resigning his title as king and would be retreating to the Forest of The Knights Who Say Nii. Which, oddly enough, no one objected to.

"Isn't anyone going to stop him?" I asked in shock.

"Nah," Holly shrugged. "He does the same thing around this time every year. Because he's the king, we just let him believe they have remained hidden and will only reveal themselves to a true king. Thus when he doesn't find them-because they don't exist-he just comes back and tries harder to be a good king for next year."

"Ah." I raised my glass in cheers and downed what was left. At that moment, the boy from earlier who had delivered the plans(You know the guy, from when I was sleeping in the earlier scene?) was back and trying more of his moves. I tried to push him back, but the drunkened fool wouldn't take a hint. At that moment, an attractive nomad-who just randomly appeared in the story because I HAVE THE POWER TO DO SO!!!!!-struck the fool through the heart, wiping his blade on the b******s cloak. 

I stared into his attractive honey colored eyes and immediately melted. Sitting my glass down, I nudged Holly's arm and informed her I'd be upstairs if needed. I ascended the steps, the attractive stranger at my heels. As we entered the small bedroom I realized that maybe this wasn't such a bad ending after all.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So Holly ended up with Jimmy Page, The Ranger and her sexy amazing nomad traveled the world together having awesome sex EVERYWHERE, Savannah and Thor also engaged in awesome passionate "love crimes", and Sir Blake….Well….He got thrown into a volcano to appease the Yuri God, and they lived happily ever after. Kind of.