Pure Elegance

Response to this piece "The Temptress" by AprilRN1210 http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/AprilRN1210/1334193/

Crimson hues of an ardor oh so fine

Teasing eyes pierce men oh so divine

Beauty like this surely is not for hire

With but a gaze becomes only desire

The grace in movement catching eye

Voice so sweet it would make one cry

Yet she need not speak or move her feet

Still suitors line before her just to meet

Her poise bringing out gentle in every man

To resit her fair charms will take all you can

She knows in everything she is such magic

To be denied even a moment seems so tragic

In mere presence all will rise to occasion

Need not knowing of her vice or vocation

Lust for is awaiting of a deeply slow death

But to dance with her will take every breath

No intoxication need for wanting of more

She is far beyond that with will be a bore

To feel her close is beyond a pure delight

There is more to her than beholden sight

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

You do have a way of painting and expressing your love. It is uncanny I have caught up with a few of your writings and it is intense and vibrant. It makes me feel like I am insensitive (proabably true) and on the other hand if I was about to express myself like this now I would get the "What are you after" faster than I can think it. Back to your writing though it is to entwined with melody and harmony as if you decided to express yourself with words on a major scale. It leaves me with a good feeling.

Very positive

Thankyou

[Wynter Ignatius]

Thank you Rene but this is but a simple reflection of another's work so I can't take full credit for this piece without pointing out it was not entirely my own - inspiration comes in all forms.

[Jenney Clark]

What a way you have with words and expressing your love. your devotion carries across in waves, you come across as a caring and warm soul. This is one Beautiful poem.

[Wynter Ignatius]

My interpretation of another's work seems to have conveyed her message well - I will pass on these words to her.

[Lauriegirl]

This is very enchanting and lovely. I enjoyed it very much.

[Wynter Ignatius]

Just a reflection of another's work so some credit goes there too.

[Nusquam Esse]

First of all, you have a strong rhyme scheme going here; it is conventional, but well done. Combined with a clear meter, you clearly have at least a basic knowledge of formed poetry--nice to see someone able to do this on the cafe.
I however, do have some advice, take it or leave it... but I recommend trying it out, and then comparing the two versions (while reading aloud)
Third line of the second stanza, I believe you mean 'or' instead of 'of'.
Second line of the third stanza, should be 'resist' instead of 'resit'

This bit here is personal opinion, but I feel that this is too wordy, and not in an eloquent way. Eloquence would have more flowing words, rather than just a rambling syntax. As a general rule of thumb, increasing the average strength of your words in a poem will make it stronger; so, when possible, it is good to avoid dull transitional words. ex. "of an ardor oh so fine", in my personal opinion would be better written as "of ardor so fine"
Now, I realize that you are conforming to meter here, iambic pentameter from the looks of it--after all, that tends to be a common standard for English formed poetry--but it is precisely because of this that the meter feels forced, as if you are desperately trying to fluff these lines up to ten syllables. Don't force a meter, just make it consistent; if ten if making you weaken the poem with inane unnecessary words, then cut your meter down. I think this poem would be better if you cut out some of the fluff, and dropped it to iambic tetrameter (eight syllables a line, instead of ten) I just can't help but feel that this would be much better if it ran 20% leaner, and in turn was like 50% more cutting.
Now this is personal preference, but you are writing poetry here, not prose. So unless punctuation is needed to make a full stop, to add a nuance, or to clarify the flow of something; I recommend cutting it out; that is what the line-breaks and stanzas are for. As a general rule, I avoid almost all punctuation at the end of lines. And since each stanza goes , , , . well, there is no need for that, since each line break would be like a comma anyway, and the end of a stanza would behave like a period. It just makes the poem less aesthetically appealing. I recommend studying up on the differences of punctuation between prose and poetry. Good luck!

[Sami Khalil]

A wonderful rhyming poem. Such magic to behold of her beauty and dance. Excellent...:).............