Thy Kingdom Come

The demon Aeshma  whispered.  And I listened.  I listened to the voice that sounded like the rustling of long dead leaves, the words seeming to emanate from the very molecules of the air itself.  A million raspy voices from a single entity that filled the room and caused my eardrums to quiver with its resonance. And yet my parents slept on.  Unaware of my shadow falling over their bed, oblivious to the glint of moonlight off the blade of the knife I had taken from the kitchen.
    I thought of the cat lying on my bedroom floor, its own blood tracing a nine-pointed star around its lifeless body. I could clearly picture the black candles flickering light and shadow across its matted fur, could almost smell the aroma of incense, thick and sweet like the overpowering fragrance of flowers clustered tightly into a funeral home.  And I thought of Michelle standing in my little brother’s bedroom, her own knife in hand, listening to the demon whisper as well.  Soon, we would hold the power of life and death in our hands;  we would become King and Queen of the new, dark world.  All of Aeshma’s promises would come to fruition with the completion of one simple act.
    My father snored and rolled over in his sleep so that he was now on his back with the sheet tucked snugly beneath his chin.  I watched his chest rise and fall, envisioning where his heart would be.  My aim had to be precise, my stroke quick and complete . . . a true King could not afford to hesitate at the moment of his crowning glory.
    "Soon," Aeshma whispered in the darkness, "so very soon."
    I thought back to when Michelle and I had first found The Book in my grandfather’s attic, how the wind had almost seemed to sigh through the cracks in the walls when we opened its cover.  The pages felt warm and oily to our fingertips and the words and symbols almost seemed as if they were floating a fraction of a centimeter above the paper.  At that moment, the unfolding of our destiny had begun. And looking back, I understood that there was no other way this could have played out.
    My mother and father had eventually found The Book, of course.  I suspect they were searching through my room while I was at school, expecting to find drugs or a hidden bottle of whiskey.  Anything that would explain away the sudden change in my behavior and the slump in my grades.
When I came home that day, they were waiting for me in the living room.  I remember them yelling, something about how they didn’t want this sort of trash in their home and how they raised me to have more sense than that.  To be honest, however, the sounds of their anger had been almost been entirely drown out by Aeshma’s voice reassuring me that this changed nothing.  And it hadn’t.  They had taken The Book, but by then it was too late.  Michelle and I had already committed the ceremony to memory and begun gathering the essential supplies.
    "It is time!" Aeshma hissed.  "It is time!  Do it, human, do it now!"
    I raised the knife over my head and tightened my grip until my knuckles were white and throbbing.
    "Do it!  Do it!"
    At that moment, my father bolted upright in bed, slinging the sheets from his body.  He was fully dressed and held a small pistol in his hand.  A pistol which was aimed directly at my head.  I stood like a man frozen in time, my mind reeling and confused by this turn of events.
    My mother was now also sitting up and I noticed the slight smirk that had crept across her face.
    "Do it, honey."  She said.  "Do it for your Queen."
    I became aware of The Book, clutched tightly to her chest. From down the hall, I heard Michelle laughing and calling out.
    "I did it, Timmy!  I did it!  I really did it!"
    My father cocked the pistol with his thumb and smiled.
    "Goodbye, Timothy.  We have no room for a Prince in our Kingdom."
    And then the demon Aeshma laughed.
    

Reviews

[El Suplexo]

I found myself liking this one, though it didn't start out that way. I can't put my finger on it, but the story (starting out at least) seemed . . . dry? Maybe a bit bland. It is a pretty dark subject matter you got going on here, and it didn't feel that way right off the bat. I don't think the tone came through strong enough. What might help is setting it in a different tense. Maybe with 3rd person, it would seem a little more sinister. I never really felt the corruption of the main character, so you might want to try and play that up a little more. All that being said, I loved the ending. Again, I think it might be a little stronger in 3rd person, but it still got me. It felt like a really good twist, something I have not seen before. The ending is really the best part, and really makes the story.

[Brian W. Hastings]

I loved the imagery at the beginning and the end was a solid "not see that coming" ending. A very original story.

[Emily B]

oh, wow! Somehow I didn't expect the ending. Chilling, macabre, with just the right amount of suspense.

[Drifter]

Before I begin let me say that I like it and feel it has potential. There was a creepiness to the story in the beginning that was suddenly and brutally lost when the father bolted out of bed. It left me a little confused and I think it would have been better had he killed the father and then been killed by the demon. I agree that it is a bit dry, there needs to be something more... macabre in it. Hope you continue with this one.

D.

[Fantasyfairy]

I see this one has a mixed reaction to it. Personally I liked it, the twist at the end clintched it for me. Though i have to say I didn't find it very surprising, but I guess that is because I like adding those twists at the end of a story so it was omething I would have done too. The description isn't too bad, but I think it could use just a little more about the book and what was in it, but that's just my opionon. Good storyline though and well written. XX

[Dead Angel]

wow! what a twist to the end, this story had me on the edge of my seat. i thought it was a creative story and a wonderful ending; for a demon to manipulate a family like that is always a brilliant way to end things. the imagery and details went together so smoothly. well done with this, it was an enjoyable read :D

[rosyfury]

WOW! The fantastic imagery, the unsuspected twist! This is beautifully written, besides some awkward bits in the beginning, but the surprise end makes up for it! Bravo!

[Mysteral - Night Prowle..]

A great story, but I felt a bit let down on the ending. I realise you were trying to convey an unexpected twist in the tale, but for me it took away the macabre horror, and almost gave it a farcical twist. It seemed to end too abruptly, almost as if you had tried to meet a deadline and run out of time.
I would have preferred to see Timothy's emotions as he plunged the blade into his father's chest.

[MistyJRose]

Dude this was awesome. I love how you described everything, and how you let us get into his mind as he was about to kill his parents, and i love the ending. definitely unexpected. Great job on this piece.

[J Royail]

SOoo, WHY did his aim "have to be precise" IF all he had to do is shoot his father in the head? Bringing a knife to a gun fight is never wise. LOL!

I felt that he was "thinking back just a bit TOO much:
1) I thought of the cat lying on my bedroom floor
2) And I thought of Michelle standing in my little brother's bedroom
3) Also, Tim says "a true King could not afford to hesitate at the moment of his crowning glory." and then he hesitates to think back when they first found the book? That seems to slow down what could be a really intense moment in your story.

PS Where was the "fear"? I was NEVER scared. "So what if he kills the dad, he might of have had it coming." If we only knew weather the father was a good man or not, we (readers) might be emotionally attached and care what happens next - just a suggestion.

Those are the only problems I have with your story, and I have nothing at all (negative) to say about the WAY you write� (I'll give it 3 out of 5)
J

[Dave Lounsbury]

I agree with Mr.Turner, the imagery at the beginning were very well done. I'm actually glad that you toned the descriptions down as the story progressed. It helped with the flow, since you packed a lot into such a small piece.
I think you should expand this piece a little. Without a lot of character development the premise seemed a little cliche. I'd love to hear more about the grandfather and how he acquired the Book.
My only problem with the writing was the continued use of a conjunction at the start of sentences. I know a lot of people do it, but it's always been a pet peeve of mine.

I'm only noting this because this piece has been selected for the Horror Writer's Review and I think we should be as honest as possible.