The almost date

We had date planned. We finally had a date planned, and it could have been so good. But then you changed your mind. A follow up to "What are we to each other?"

I had been fine, living in confusion in regards to you. I didn’t know where we stood, but that was just a small price to pay to enjoy your company. I really didn’t mind. In fact, as time passed I grew more and more sure that what we had was just natural chemistry, and nothing was ever actually going to happen between us. In fact, the idea that we would never date didn’t really bother me. But then we managed to stumble our way into a date.

It’s almost comical, how it happened, and I think it shows off more of your feelings for me than you would care to admit. It started simply enough: we were texting about how you wanted to go to IHOP in your pajamas at 9pm. Me, always the encouraging one, said you should go do it, because why not? “There’s never a bad time to get pancakes in pajamas.” Of course, the problem with getting pancakes whenever is that you need to have a way to get there, and you are carless. I offered to drive, but we were both too exhausted to go anyways. So I did what I always do when my friends can’t do something. I said, “It can be a date some other time then,” with a winking emoji. This phrasing isn’t unusual for me. I’m always calling friendly meetings dates, although perhaps not always with the winking face. As I sent it, I truly thought nothing of it; our flirty chemistry was the furthest thing from my mind.

Then you responded with the unthinkable. “Are you asking me on a date?”

I saw those words and I froze. My heart pounded and my adrenaline spiked, but I didn’t move as I stared at those six piercing words on my lock screen. For a moment, I was positive I was hallucinating. Why would you think I was asking you on a date? I honestly had no idea. But when I clicked into the chat, and saw my words and your response, all the implications of my text came crashing down. Perhaps it was my exhaustion that kept me from seeing the suggestiveness of my original text, but boy did I see it then. And under the weight of my realization, there was a small glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I hadn’t felt in a long while. Maybe my once prevalent feelings for you weren’t as one sided as I imagined. And that one thought, that one small spark of hope fueled the fire of the feelings that I had once thought were dead. My hands shook as I type out an honest response. A response that, once sent, there was really no going back from. “Well, that’s not exactly what I was going for. But if you’re answer would be yes we can pretend that it was.” Hitting send on that text was one of the most stressful things I’ve ever had to do. With one click of a button, I was basically putting my feelings on display for you to see, and I still had no idea what your reaction would be. My heart hammered in my chest as I waited for you to respond. I had never felt it beat so loud or fast.

Then you, who knows me so well, finally texted back, “Well are you asking because you’ve just wanted a girlfriend lately, or because you actually want to go on a date with me?” I felt a strangled laugh bubble in my throat, because I knew why that was your first response. I had been talking for months about how much I wanted a girlfriend. You knew how over being single I was. But the fact that it wasn’t an outright no gave me hope, and the nonstop way my heart had been pounding in my chest since the first text gave me all the answer I needed to your question. It wasn’t just the want for a girlfriend, it was a want for you.

My brain was racing, jumbled and confused with stress and hope, as I tried to type out a good response. Finally, I managed a semi cohesive message. “I actually want to go on a date with you. You’re one of the most amazing people I know.” It seemed wrong, too short and blunt for how long it took me to think of, but I hit send anyways. I hit send still not knowing if you would actually say yes, but hoping more than I ever had that you liked me too. We could put an end to this confusion.

Again, I was filled with a stress and aching I had never felt before. I put my phone face down, and tried not to stare longingly at it for a response. I couldn’t sit still, but I didn’t want to. There was too much energy bubbling up inside of me. It was something I wasn’t used to. When I heard my phone buzz, I didn’t pick it up right away. The panic was so strong that I really didn’t want to see what it had to say. But I couldn’t let the nerves win, so with a racing heart I picked up the phone. “Well then yes, I’d love to go on a date with you (Blushing emoji). But I’m not sure how I really feel about you yet, so we’ll test out the waters XD.”

Relief flooded over me. There it was. There was the proof that what I was feeling wasn’t one sided. I had no idea how good it would feel, to finally be out of that ocean of confusion, until you pulled me out of it with a simple yes. We were going on a date. An actual, real date.

We planned for pancakes in pajamas, since that was what started the whole thing. It was a good idea too, very cute and unique. Our flirting for the rest of the night was through the roof.

When you said, “but if we don’t go anywhere with this, we can’t let it change out friendship, which is already flirty as f**k (laugh cry emoji)” I readily agreed. Why let an accidental date ruin a perfectly good friendship? Although, I didn’t foresee anything getting ruined. Really the only thing that could happen was a deepening of our friendship if all went well.

And then we joked about how much s**t out parents would give us for finally dating, and then we realized how much s**t L would give us, since she had only two days before asked us why we weren’t dating. I was excited, and you seemed excited too. We had a wonderful chance at happiness.

So imagine my surprise the next day when I got this text from you: “Hey so I’ve been thinking about it, and even though I’m a huge sap and you’re great, I actually quite like being single (laugh cry face). I’m really sorry I just really don’t want to be in a relationship right now.” I was stunned, but not nearly as crushed as I thought I would be. The idea of us going on a date had still been such an abstract thought in my mind, that you changed your mind wasn’t nearly as big a blow as I expected. The fact that it was an accidental date softened the blow even more. Funnily enough, my first thought was actually, “thank god I didn’t tell anyone. That could have been embarrassing.” I was sad, but I wasn’t really even phased by your change of mind. I told you it was no big, and suggested we still get pancakes as friends. You immediately agreed.

I understand why you cancelled, probably even more than you think I do. You’re so busy and stressed. Your new job is killing you, and I’m not the only one who can see it. Our friends have noticed you’re not your normal, bubbly self, and they don’t even know what I know. They don’t know that you’ve had at least two panic attacks in the past month, and that the stress of balancing your job and school is taking a toll on your mental state that is probably too high. You have no free time, and adding a girlfriend to that could probably do more damage than good, even though I am one of the few that actually knows what your going through. I want to trust that your words are true.

But at the same time, a small, selfish part of me is screaming bullshit. Although you probably actually want to stay single, I’m fairly certain you do actually have feelings for me. You are the one who assumed it was an actual date request, and you are the one who seemed so happy to say yes. We could have been happy together. We still can be happy together. And this small part of me, the part that won’t think rationally about this, thinks that you changed your mind because you were scared. Scared of what could happen if we worked well together, but also scared of what could happen if it ended badly. Scared that you could lose one of the few people who you trusted enough to tell what you were actually going through. You aren’t in the position to lose a confidant. You need all the support you can get. I know, I know, you need a friend much more than you need a girlfriend. But it still hurts. It hurts to have gotten so close to the resolution of the mystery of our relationship and then have it so suddenly yanked away.

And I think you’re still scared that an awkwardness might fall between us, because the next day you asked if L could come to pancakes as well. I said sure, because L is wonderful and I knew you two hadn’t really hung out all break. But I could tell that she had another purpose. She was our buffer. You were afraid what would happen if we had pancakes alone, on a date that was no longer a date. So you invited a third. Someone who could absorb any awkwardness and would show without a doubt that pancakes was not a date. I didn’t mind, not that I thought there was going to be any awkwardness. There were no hard feelings on my end, so any awkwardness could come only from you.

I picked up L before I picked up you for pancakes, and she really didn’t help clear up anything about the murkiness of your feelings. She knew that it was originally a date, and she agreed that she was probably an awkwardness buffer and that you may have just chickened out. Then to make everything 1000 times more confusing, L said that originally you weren’t even going to make sure with me that it was aright that L came at all. I really don’t know how you thought that was going to work, not telling me, but L said that she had to tell you to make sure it was alright with me first. And although I know L is your closest friend, I do think she was a strange choice for a buffer, considering you know how much we flirt too. Maybe you were trying to bring a different person for my affection to fall on? But it didn’t work, because she’s closeted and I’m not touching that drama with a twenty-foot poll. Not to mention the fact that I’ve like you for longer, and with much more intensity. Me and L are more friendly flirting. Me and you are serious.

Of course, L being there may partially be my fault as well. I had told you, early that morning about the dream I had that night with you and L. It was a dream that really wasn’t even about you, but did feature a brief make out session with you. It’s something that I would have told you before the almost date, and so in an effort to keep things normal I told you anyways. You seemed to respond normally, calling out the bizarreness of the dream, and didn’t even mention the make out specifically. But maybe because of that you were worried about awkwardness. I honestly don’t know. It’s not like you’re going to tell me.

As nice as it was to know you had feelings for me, I almost wish this whole fiasco hadn’t happened in the first place. My feelings for you were almost gone. I didn’t think about you as a crush, but just as a really good friend. I was moving on. But then you validated everything. You validated how I felt for you because you felt the same way, and it was amazing. It was amazing to know that someone I liked could actually like me back. Of course, just as quickly as you pulled me back in you shut it down. You said that the hope that I was feeling couldn’t be acted upon. I know it was all bad timing, but it cuts.

Twice. Twice I thought I was over you. Twice I felt my feelings fade away to satisfaction with our friendship. And twice, at just the moment I thought I was safe you reeled me back in again. First at new years, and now again, three months later. I know you don’t do it on purpose, but it hurts. Having you so close and yet so far away.

You’re almost worse than a straight girl crush, because with you there is always that what if. There’s that hope of maybe someday, because I know you like me back. But we haven’t and it hurts me more than I will ever say to you, because I know you’re hurting about much bigger things and I don’t want to make it worse.

I think I’ve realized now that there will always be a part of me that will carry a torch for you. You were the first girl I’ve ever had any strong feelings towards, and that will always give you a special place in my heart. Add in the fact that I’ve kissed you and that I’ve come so close to dating you, I know a part of me will always hope. If we never date, you will always be the Girlfriend That Could Have Been.

But we still have over a year together. Over a year to cultivate this ever present attraction we have for each other. Maybe, if my feelings don’t fade quite so fast this time, I’ll ask you out again. Maybe you’ll say yes. We could have a chance at something wonderful, but there are so many things that have to line up first, and I don’t know if that will happen. I guess all I can do is hope the universe is on our side.

So for now, I’ll go back to the confusion. You need a friend right now, and I truly understand that. And so while I live in the confusion of our relationship to help you, I’ll take solace in the fact that I know you had feelings for me that day. You wanted to go on a date with me, no matter the reasons for your change of heart. I just have to hope that your feelings are as persistent as mine.