Sweetheart

Drew enters the candy store and finds something much sweeter then he expected

Drew loved sweets. And if there was one thing he loved more than sweets, it was his girlfriend Candy. This is their story...

It was one of those perfect breezy summer days when Drew went to the local candy shop that went by the name of Sweet Sensations. As he entered the shop he was amazed by the number of jars filled with colourful confectionary. Lemon bon bons, gummy bears, gourmet jelly beans, strawberry pencils, massive rainbow gobstoppers and so much more. He was about to reach out for the jar of candy canes, his paper bag ready when suddenly the little bell above the door chimed and in walked a girl.

Her hair was flowing out behind her, like a river as the wind from outside blew through her honey gold locks, And her eyes were green and glittery like the biggest emerald you could find, round and glistening. Above these emeralds was baby pink eye shadow and on her lips was rose pink lipstick. She wore a flowing ruby red dress and matching high heels. Drew’s mind was completely blown. With grace she walked over and stood next to him. Nodding her head up and down she appeared to be examining the candy carefully. Then both of their hands reached out and touched the candy cane jar, touching each other’s.

Her face was alight with rosy red colour, she was blushing.

“Hi...” she giggled quietly

“Uh Hi...” he cringed

“You’re... cute!” she giggled

“You think so?” Drew replied

“My name is Candy!”

“And mine’s Drew”

They brought a massive bag of candy canes and walked over to the hill and sat down with them. Drew popped one in her mouth gently and the smell of flowers and the peppermint filled the air. For some reason they kept getting close together and clutching their hands together. When the sun began to set they headed home and fell asleep...

Author's Note

Constructive criticism only!

Reviews

[JadeForever]

aww love at first sight...this is too cute.!!!

[Marie Harrison]

I would recommend breaking that large paragraph into 2 or 3 paragraphs to make it
visually easier to read. I love the description of the candy and the conversation between Candy and Drew. Nice descriptions.

[Raven Starhawk]

Your beginning is precious. It has a lot of promise.

[Yari Garcia (Older Prof..]

I think this is a very honest writing style. Sure, the grammar isn't perfect, but it doesn't take away from the story at all. It was very simple and to the point, and I'd love to read more!
Plus, I think the story is sweet so far...no pun intended ^_^

[_]

Maybe if you indented that would show the difference between the events happening. A few minor grammar problems
“Hi...” she giggled quietly(.)
“Uh Hi...” he cringed(.)
“You’re... cute!” she giggled(.)
“You think so?” Drew replied(.)
Her hair was flowing out behind her, like a river as the wind from outside blew through her honey gold locks(.) Her eyes were green and glittery like the biggest emerald you could find, round and glistening.

It would probably help if you started the story off with more of a descriptive setting from whwere you're coming from and add more details to create imagery. Other then that it was a sweet read.

[Sleeping Maiden]

The chapters are pretty good. I must say though it seemed rather short. Also, it felt to me it needed more descriptions.. it was kind of choppy, it feels a bit rushed. But other than that, I liked the story. It's cute. The ending of the very last chapter really makes you wonder what happened..
I know its not finished yet.. but nice way of ending the last chapter there.

Nice story so far =)

[Vinod Kumar U K]

Innocent chaps nice little chapter.....

[Wilfre Salem williams]

Nice intro, so far so good

[Blessed_Angel]

I like the story. It was cute but seemed to be to short and a bit choppy to the end like you rushed it but besides that i liked it.:)