"Miracles" of Depression

This story details about a character I made up tot ell the story of her childhood and why she is so depressed now.

Many people think that everyone’s lives are a great fantasy that you get to live, as more generations are growing, we know that we have a lot of problems in our world and we are trying to fix it but the task seems too hard to get everyone on board so we can make the world a better place, not just for ourselves. Also, for the wildlife that we have, maybe in a few years the effects of global warming and climate change may have wiped out humans and all animals and wildlife if we don’t protect our earth now. We only have one world, we need to preserve it for a long time, nobody wants to see all of humanity to be wiped away just because we didn’t recycle properly, not throw rubbish out of cars and leaving it on beaches so sea life can be trapped and not be able to live and not putting it in bins and using plastics.

I can’t say that my life has been easy, since I was four years old, things have been going downhill since then, when I was fours years old, my dad and my mum broke up and divorced, I decided to stay with my mum and my dad left me all alone and I had no brothers or sisters or anything like that. I was alone with my mum all my life, but he decided to come back one day but I have to say, it was one of the worst days of my life. At night, when I was four, my mum used to tuck me in all the time and I asked her every night, “When is my daddy coming home, why is gone, when will he be back?”.  My mum always told me that she didn’t know when he would be back and I used to ask the same thing till I was 7 and I gave up with asking because I would just get the same answer or I would get no response at all.

So shortly after my 8 birthday, I started primary school, it was not easy, it was hard to make friends because not many people knew what to say or how to approach someone that was different to themselves. Primary was fun for the first few years because you would always get to play with toys, friends in class and sometimes the teacher would interact with you and join in, that was fun. I made many friends and I was sort of popular, another thing that was great about primary was that, the food was always good, whenever they had sausages for a main meal, I would always have it when it was on and the iced sponge cake with custard for dessert, was so good.

I enjoyed my time at primary, the school isn’t even around anymore, it got knocked down and now it’s just a land of grass with nothing on it, and where the school was, they are now building homes there instead, I miss that school a lot and I hate the fact I can never be a kid or child again because those are the great times in your life and as you get older, life gets more difficult to handle and you feel like you are alone for a while, its hard to see light in my darkest days, it’s hard to find help, to find support, to find people who will sit and talk with you and who will listen and give you advice. I recently came out as gay (Lesbian for me) a year ago and I have always had comments made towards me like people saying that it isn’t right to be gay, to be different, to not be straight. That stuff hurts you man, like why do you have to be so homophobic, we are the 21^st century, we have changed from the 1960’s and 70’s where being gay wasn’t accepted but it is now, I know religious people don’t like gay people but now some churches accept our choice and support us. I am not a religious person because I’m an atheist but there is support out there for remarks you get towards you and if you get discriminated, don’t be afraid to tell someone, you should stand up for your rights.

When I moved to the academy after Primary, my life changed, every single thing I knew, was going to change, the teachers, my friends will still be there but I made new friends as well and I’m glad for that because I depend on these people. I depend on them so much, it’s hard to bring myself together to tell them that I need them and that they mean a lot to me and without them, I would probably not be here, in this world or writing this story right now. They really are great friends. I had a known a friend from primary all the way to Academy, but I decided to end our friendship because she sent me messages over Snapchat saying some awful things to me. Do you want to know what she said?

“I have better things to worry about than you okay? I don’t care, I have other friends to talk to, so bye.” I told her it was hurtful these messages and she replied with “It wasn’t meant to be hurtful Jesus Christ.  Friends are there to help out other friends, you’re a big fat b***h, you are ugly, your stupid, I could go on and on for miles to say mean things to say to you but I’m a good friend not like you, go die in a ditch you b***h. Do your worst call me anything you want it can be mean it can be nice go on don’t be shy, if you don’t call me anything, you’re a f*****g p***y. “I told her to stop texting me she said, “Why? You scared? P***y.” I replied with “Do you want me to die cause right now you are making me want to commit suicide.” She replied with, “Go on then, I don’t f*****g care, you have pissed me off too many times.” The thing is I didn’t even piss her off, she just sent me those messages right out of the blue, no context what so ever. Eventually, I had enough, I was crying for ages and my dad took my phone and had to text her personally to make her stop texting me. I also got in contact with the police because this behaviour was unacceptable.

Those messages tore me apart inside and I really did want to commit suicide after that because we were friends for so long and wee were doing fine until this happened. She had beef with her mum that day and decided to take it out on me. I decided after that, that our friendship would be over because I wouldn’t want the same thing to happen again and be more torn again and again. I’ve suffered a lot throughout my life so far. Ever since when I was in primary, I was always bullied right up to academy, it isn’t bad in the academy but sometimes it is too much and I just want to cry most of the time that I am there. It doesn’t help when you have parents who are also depressed as you are and a brother who is also depressed but won’t admit it, sometimes I can’t even admit it when I am sad or depressed. I hate talking to people about my problems because I feel like I put more pressure onto them if I tell them about my burdens and problems.

Those snapchat messages aren’t the only things that have kept me down for so long. I lost me grandma 3 years ago and she died of a tragic heart attack. We were close to each other and I miss her a lot. After she died, my grandpa had a stroke and then they said he was going to be fine but then he had another one and now he’s not living his best life, he’s in a home now because he is that unstable, my mum has to sell his house to pay for renovations to the house so it looks nice for buyers to buy the house and then money will go to the home etc. I will be sad when the house goes. I have also done some bad things as well in the past, I brought a knife into the academy about before the summer holidays either last year or the year before and I brought he knife into school to “protect” myself when it was to actually cut myself but we got found out and the police was involved obviously and we only got a warning. Sometimes I wish that it wasn’t a warning. I wish it was something else. I can’t tell you what I would want it to be, but it would change my life. Last year, I was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) which means that I think differently to people like if something small happens, people would forget about it, but I would obsess about it. That’s all I really have to tell. Other than that I am depressed, I do seek help but I’m rethinking that choice at the minute and that I am suicidal so don’t joke about suicide or gay or LGBTQ+ people or death or anything like that because it is not something to joke about.