chapter 1

even if you don't reed the whole thing, comment on what you read

Chapter 1 spark

I stirred, restlessly flicking a strand of orange hair back from my face. The black SUV had been rolling along for the hours. I wasn’t so bored at first, because of how excited I was to finally be able to interact with humans. That part was definitely worth the drive. Some nice people, more freedom, and less boredom. My whole life I had been monitored, controlled. Now I was 16, the age when dragons went to public school. Any earlier and we’d be supposedly be “Corrupted” and our souls forever blackened. Lonely is the wrong word, but I felt… isolated after being with one dragon for the whole day. I let another paper airplane fly at the driver's head, no reaction.

Tall trees shading dying grass rolled by. Off in the distance was a large partly built wooden building. Maybe I could go explore it. That would be fun. I wondered who owned it? Maybe it was abandoned. It looked too new for that. The suv rolled to a halt, heat haze gently shimmering above the black hood. As soon as the car stopped, I was out like a shot, letting the warm sunny haze that had settled around Gallatin loosen my travel sore self.

A shadow fell across my feet, cast by the door. Mr. Higgs, the driver, got out, shoes crunching on the gravel. He was average height, heavily built, his face a mask to any small amount of emotion he might contain. I would be staying with my teachers, ugh, in one of DWRTW houses. It stands for dragons will rule the world. I called it dwertwu. yeah, you could say dwertwu  wasn't very good with names. At least I’d gotten lucky, My name is Spark Eversen.

Mr. Higgs walked, his short shadow dragging dejectedly behind, as if the heat were getting to it, along the cracked sidewalk, weeds poking up through to reach the sun. Each step slower than the last, the pace maddening me. My dragon wanted to give him a good shove in the backside. But, unfortunately, I couldn't change to my dragon form here. I was always being told: Don’t change into dragon form in public, just because dragons don’t wear clothes doesn’t mean humans don’t, I don’t care that you're hot, so put some on right now, pay attention, be neat, don’t question what I say, try harder, and an endless list of other things. I really needed a break. Thankfully, along with public school, we got summer break. I really needed that.

After what seemed like a long time, even for a dragon, we reached the house. It loomed above us, like a dragon crouching on its treasure hoard. Painted black, it had one crooked window shade, paint peeling like emaciated skin to reveal rotting wood, letting in no light into the single window. I felt as if it were watching me. If eyes were windows to the soul, than this cyclops had none. I shivered, even though it was a sunny day. My “Guardian” had already arrived. He chose to fly, though not in dragon form. Apparently, it was too expensive for a hatchling who didn’t earn her weight in gold. How anyone was supposed to do that, I didn’t know, especially when they were a 500 pound dragon. I paused at the door, surveying the room the way I had been taught to do before stepping inside.The room was painted a dead white, the walls covered in paintings of old men in suits. No windows, a table sitting smugly on a ratty rug that might have once been a black. On the other side of the room was the kitchen, and to the right a flight of stairs led to the the next floor. The stairs were small, and they twisted very tightly. Were stairs the mind of a house?

There he was, My teacher. That was what I knew him as. Nothing else. It was just teacher. He wouldn’t even accept an only slightly sarcastic ‘Revered and mighty teacher’. “Straighten up Ms. Eversen. Make eye contact, no don’t stare me down, you know that's not what I meant. We’ve been over this before” he said in an exasperated and angry tone. Yep that was him. “Your bed is upstairs, and you can see everything else from here.” You may do whatever you want, but be back by 5:00 PM for dinner. Cary this” here he handed me an old beat up phone before continuing “with you always. Starting tomorrow, you have training after dinner at 6:00 pm. I expect you to be up at 6:00 Am. You know my other expectations."

“Yes, I understand you completely” I said stifling a groan while sighing inwardly. My footsteps echoed eerily as I ascended the stairs, the low ceiling forcing me to duck down. This was not the carefree summer I’d hopped for. Still it was better than nothing.

                               * * * * *

After fleeing the house like a plague pit, I wandered around, not really going anywhere specific.  In contrast with my the house, the rest of the town seemed rather cheerful. Fat yellow houses glowed in the light cast by the noon sun. Where did normal humans usually hang out. Maybe there was a skate board park. Looking up, I quickened my pace. When it finally came into site, I’d been walking for maybe half an hour. It was a large concrete construction, strangely out of place in the rest of the town. It was… grey and colorless yet its smooth curves and sharp corners possessed a grace of their own. My heart beat a little faster. If there was one thing I was good at, this was it.

I’d discovered an old skateboard in the basement of the old house, and with nothing else to do but study, me and it had been inseparable. My teacher, grudgingly, let me keep it. The skateboard was metal, maybe so it couldn’t be burned by dragons. Long ago, it had probably been painted. Not so now, though it was likely stainless steel. Darn, I didn’t bring my board and helmet. I walked over to a group of teens my age. “Hey, can I borrow someone's  skateboard?” I asked

“You can use mine, but it might be a bit small. And I don’t have a helmet.” A short girl said as she stepped forward

“No, it’s fine” I sighed

“You can use mine.” looking towards the voice I saw a tall boy, about my height. He had black hair, and brown eyes. For a human, he looked handsome.

Author's Note

look at chapter 2

Reviews

[Mindy James]

Good start. It is an enjoyable story. I think you have something with it.

The first thing I would suggest is to add paragraphs. Over half of the chapter is one paragraph. It makes it really hard to break apart what is going on. I would suggest you go back and read over it breaking apart where paragraphs should be.

It took me until the end to realize that he is on summer vacation, not going to a new school. You could make it more obvious in the story.

I would also suggest you go back and look to make sure everything is capitalized correctly, and specifically letters are not capitalized in the middle of words.

I really did enjoy reading it. It is a good draft, and it has great potential to be much better. I will look at your other chapters later.

[DRAGO]

Thank you. I agree about paragraphs, it is hard to read. Thanks for the encoragment

[S. von Glaubitz]

This is a fun start! I love the concept. Like the original Little Mermaid fairy tale, only with dragons, and set in modern day.

You have some really great lines: "I let another paper airplane fly at the driver's head, no reaction." "Mr. Higgs walked, his short shadow dragging dejectedly behind, as if the heat were getting to it..." Shows you've got some talent.

That being said, some of the writing is a bit too casual: "...with my teachers, ugh..." It's ok to be conversational, especially when writing in the first person where the character can really come through, but it still needs to be skilled writing.

Some of the plot is a little hard to follow because of things being disjointed or misleading. “Now I was 16, the age when dragons went to public school” makes it sound like he’s being driven to school. Describing the half-built house makes it sound like that’s the house they stop at. Spark and Mr. Higgs are walking a long time to the real house. Where did the car stop? Why is it such a long walk? Are the teacher and the “Guardian” the same person? If so, why call him the “Guardian” only then? "Not so now, though it was likely stainless steel. Darn, I didn’t bring my board and helmet." takes the reader from a flashback back to the main action without a transition.

Also, how much time passes during the break? The way Spark talks about the skateboard she found makes it sound like quite some time has passed. Is she referring to a different time she was at the house? If so, it hadn't been clear this wasn't her first time there. Or is she talking about a different house? I feel like overall her coming to that house to stay with her teacher could use some better explanation.

Finally, the teenagers at the end seem a little too willing to lend a stranger a skateboard, and overall it's a little abrupt.

I see you have quite a few more chapters of this story posted. The first chapter is always the hardest, so I'm sure by chapter 11 you've gotten your feet under you. I'll keep reading. Aside from the confusion, I really like the premise and your style!

[DRAGO]

tnak you, I will work on it.

[Keenan Angel]

It's a decent start. I enjoy it. I'll have to continue more tomorrow. Definitely break the paragraphs up but other than that and grammar its good.

[DRAGO]

cool ________

[Eric]

interesting story. Needs to be broken up a little more. I also noticed some spelling errors, but I know its only a draft. I really like your descriptions of things. The shadows, the crunch of the gravel. Well done. Maybe try to make it more clear that he is on vacation earlier on in the story. I had a hard time finding that transition point from finding a new school.

[DRAGO]

that makes two that think " try to make it more clear that he is on vacation earlier on in the story" 3 if you count me. I'll work on it

[DRAGO]

the names for the siries is 1, sparksand 2, puctured oil containers, into the firepit, a giant explosion

[AliciaB]

Many of your descriptions are very good. I especially like the part about the house and "this Cyclops had none." In terms of suggestions, I would definitely split things into more paragraphs. Also, check your grammar - it's not terrible, but there are a few things with comma usage, etc. that could be cleaned up. (If you want a really good website for help with grammar, and also citations and things like that, look up the Purdue Online Writing Lab. It's the best!) This sounds like an interesting story. Keep up the good work!

[Pink Pastel]

Nice start really long but good

[DRAGO]

Really, I think it's to short for a chapter

[Pink Pastel]

It's cool no matter what right^-^

[DRAGO]

cool smily face!

[Pink Pastel]

Yea good luck your writings and keep it up okay*-*

[DRAGO]

thanks....