Solace

How does it feel like to be surrounded by a sea of people, yet feel so alone?

“Its true,” she whispered to herself, “I am like a character in one of my own stories”

 

She tried to smile at the amusing irony she had just thought of. But instead of an innocent, small, insignificant smile… she began to cry.

And immediately, she tried to stop.

No I musnt cry, she said, I’m not like idiotic girls crying over matters. No she was stronger, she really was. She tried to shake it off, she wasn’t going to spill over measly tears and she tried her best to smile. A grin, a laugh, any minute now she would do either, forgetting that she ever wanted to cry.

Yes, she would smile again…

But why weren’t her lips curving upwards? Why wouldn’t that small spark of the feeling everything is going to be fine, touch her. Why didn’t she feel it?

She held her chest and looked around, the night growing in on her, the darkness coming closer and closer, seeping in, almost as if it were drowning her. She felt nauseous, claustrophobic… for the first time in her life, she felt true fear.

And just realizing that she was incapable of even the tiniest form of happiness, she cried even more.

 

She let everything out in those tears, frustration, disappointment, sadness, anger, yearning….everything.

She let out years of pent up emotion, all being locked away in a dark box at the back of her mind. All pushed away, giving excuses for them all.

‘It’s just my mood swings again’ she would say, and smile at her friends. Her friends would playfully smack her across the head and walk away, away from her, back to their own business as if nothing happened at all. ‘Stupid girl’ they would say and laugh.

And she would just sit there, alone, watching them walk away.

Warped in her thoughts, sigh after sigh, how she wished one of her so deemed ‘best friends’ would stop, turn around, sit next to her and see through that fake, fake smile and say ‘So what wrong?’

‘Why is it so hard?’ she would ask herself, ‘why is it so hard for me to say what I feel?’

‘Why is it so hard for me? Why can’t I tell them what I really feel?’

She hugged her knees and bowed her head, her wispy, copper hair, flying around her with the intensity of the wind.

Because, the answer would come to her instantaneously, they won’t be your friends anymore. That disgusting voice would murmur, no one likes sad people. You must be happy, it would say, always be happy. They would get sick and tired of your complaints and your problems, they would leave you.

They would hate you. 

Then she would reason, they are not like that, they would listen, they would help…

No, they won’t.

The most cruel, bitter fact of it all was that deep, deep down, despite all her arguments against herself, she knew. She knew that whatever that voice had said to her was true.

It’s all true.

 

She blinked the remaining of her tears away, and wiped her cheeks with the edges oh her jacket sleeve. She took a deep breathe, only to let it come out in soft sobs.

Why was she crying? She wasn’t facing any serious problems. Her parents weren’t abusive, she wasn’t a victim of a vice, she wasn’t dying… or was she?

She had no reason t cry, yet no matter how much she tried to dry her eyes, they would always fill themselves with more tears.

What was happening to her? Why was she crying so much? Why did she feel so inexplicably sad? Why?

Why?

 

The wind was cold and the night was darker than ever before. She looked up at the sky and at the moon. She raised her hand to it, capturing the silvery light as it fell through her fingers. If only the moon’s rays were as warm as the Sun’s, it would have given the night so much more, she thought.

She never liked the night. The darkness, the black atmosphere, she hated it. She loved the sun, the bright, warm, shining, sun. She loved the happiness it possessed, she loved looking up to it and feeling the heat on her face.

The sun symbolized everything luminescent, everything that was light, free and happy. She loved the Sun.

 

 

Back to where she was now, she huddled closer. Her eyes were tired, and so was she. Is this was it feels like? She asked herself. Is this what it feels like to be alone?

No, you stupid girl, it was that sick voice again, you are not alone, you have your family, friends… many, many friends….

But what the point of so many people around you when your feel such an extent of solidarity?

No, but she loved them. It’s true, she loved them all. But they never gave her the type of companionship she wanted. They never gave her a chance to show them who she was. They never bothered to know. They never knew the real her. And at times like this, sometimes she wondered….

She never knew who she was either.

 

“Its not true!” she yelled into the night, “ITS NOT TRUE!” she stood up and looked to the dark sky. “I am NOT like those people in my stories”

She closed her eyes and fisted her hands tightly. “I don’t have anyone….” She shook her head, “I don’t have anyone….” She repeated.

All her stories, in all her wordy creations, the one sad and upset always had someone to comfort them. A mysterious new friend, or an elderly person. They always found happiness in the end. They always had those special people say something wise, insightful, words to them. They would be cheery and bright, they would be eternally happy. And they would smile, make her feel better, make her laugh, and the sun would shine, and the wind would carry all their sadness away….

“It’s not true…” she fell to her knees hands, tears now staining the grass beneath her. “I don’t have anyone….”

No one…

 

 

Why was she crying?

She didn’t know it herself. All she knew it was she couldn’t take it anymore. The smiles, the fake smiles, she couldn’t put them up anymore. She was sad. And she wanted to show it. She was tired of pretending for the sake of the people around her.

What was happening to her?

I don’t know, she answered. I don’t….

What happened to the cheerful, happy girl, full of life and light? What happened to those wonderful thoughts of sunrises on a misty morning, thoughts of magnificent stars against the sky’s black canvas, thoughts of love, friendship… What happened to the girl who loved to cheer people up, the person who could bring a smile to anyone face… What happened to the girl with sparkling eyes, a perpetual ghost of happiness radiating around her… What happened to her?

‘What’s happening to me?’

 

 

And as suddenly as it began, she stopped crying. Her relentless tears stopped. She looked around and she felt something.

‘Maybe this is it…’ she thought, her heart began racing. She felt something and she was so sure it was going to happen…

Any minute now…

Someone, anyone, would come to her in this lonely spot and talk to her. And make her feel better. Someone would come, she was so sure. It happened in all her stories and all the books she read. She was so hopeful.

So she did the only thing she could have, she waited….

And waited…

Still hoping…

She waited for someone to come…

 

Someone…

 

Anyone…

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

I want to know what you make of it. What you think of the piece as a whole, irrespective of the fact that the grammar is off at a few places. I made it that way to exhibit some sort of emotion.
Please tell me what you think? =]

Reviews

[Rose of Gondor]

this is a touching, beauitful story. Through-out the whole thing, the girl is helpless, sad, frustrated. She is bitter at the people around her. She feels like one of her own creations. Maybe she feels like a doll. People tells her what she should do and she does it. She hides her own emotions. (sorry if the doll part didn't make any sense, I just barely woke up)

It's kind of like...she's hiding behind...a mask. Hiding herself with that mask, hiding her emotions. I can totally feel this because when I'm sad in school, I do my best not to show it or else everyone's all "why are you sad?" and "you should be happy"

[Collette Paige]

I think this touches a lot of people, me especically. You kept to the realisticness of it, but kept it intresting.
When people write things like this, it connects with so many people. Great story, wondeful descriptions.
I was hooked through the whole story, keep it up :]

[r]

(i wrote a whole review for this and was halfway through typing it, when it deleted! i'll just re-say it)

I love this so much because it is exactly what i went through, exactly what i felt, what i had to deal with. It made me want to cry, and my eyes are stilling stinging even after having to retype this up. Slowly but surely, I'm getting closer to showing my true feelings, to letting people know when I'm sad.

But... the only thing is... it's hard to tell people when you're sad or whatever or depressed because i know they dont care. I know every time i complain or every little thing i say just makes them want to punch me for being annoying. For not realizing others have worse lives

*sigh* but none of that matters! you're story rocks, and it is just so damn realisitc. a superb job, one of my favs.

[Adelia Alighieri]

Very touching and realistic. Hope to read more from you, keep writing! :)

[Soul Finder]

Love it! I can sometimes, relate to your story. How we choose to hide what we really feel, because where are too afraid to be rejected. Instead, we flash a fake and empty smile to make everyone say that we are fine.
You simply described on this story how cruel reality can be.
Keep it up!

[Bonnie Hines]

Dude! this was such an awesome story!!! It totally captured the essence of what teenagers think when there depressed! Keep up the good work :)

[...]

I really loved this story. It's sad, and it seems very personal, I thought that maybe you had experienced something like this yourself. I feel like this sometimes too, and I have to say that the way you described it was very accurate. At some parts it was almost like I was reading a portion of my OWN inner dialogue.

I think I also understand why you decided against fixing grammatical errors. I do that too sometimes, and I think it maes the story more real and raw. When you finish pouring all your emotion into a piece of art, you don't always feel like going back and changing it. It's a piece of you, and you think it's perfect the way it is. Changing it would almost be like betraying how you really feel.

I'm glad you didn't change anything. Now you can say it's really yours, and it's not written for anyone else.

[hannah]

I'm sorry for the extremely late review. We've just finished with our quarterly exams here in Kuwait and had been really busy lately. This story is AMAZING. You've captured pure and raw emotions here. Sometimes, I do feel like this. So many people around yet you feel lonely. Not alone yet lonely. You feel this sense of hope that somebody might come and ease the emptiness. A wonderful write.

[Jeweliet]

you capture the emotion well, the actual feeling, it feels like you're writing from experience, or it may just feel like that to me, because i've been there.

but anyhow, i like it.

[Richard]

By grammar, do you mean the misplaced commas and full stops, lack of apostrophes, etc? I don't know how it can be used to exhibit emotion - it didn't have that effect on me, but it does sometimes make it difficult to read.