WATCHING

A POEM CONNECTED WITH A LARGER WORK IN PROGRESS

On the edge of a razor just outside of doom,

an evil thing lingers, in darkness it blooms.

Searching the tangible, nothing was seen,

only the tepid pools mirror-like sheen.

While the tune of a piano struck an off-key

the horror now growing was watching her sleep.

As tension was gaining with treacherous pace

she caught a quick glimpse of the eyes with no face.

Sleeping, wrapped tight under cover of sheets

she felt creeping fingertips touching her feet.

And screaming, the fingertips all went away,

The eyes, ever watching, were watching their prey…

Author's Note

Just trying to set the proper atmosphere for a novel I am working on. I would like to stick my toes in the water with a horror / suspense / thriller poem, as that is the genre of the larger piece. Hope the poem is headed in the right direction....

Reviews

[ReedWrite]

WOW. You nailed it!
I am not into horror...but this sent a shiver down my spine.
I loved the imagery...it came alive. The line: the horror now growing was watching her sleep...was awesome.
Loved this line too: And screaming, the fingertips all went away,/The eyes, ever watching, were watching their prey…
Very nicely done. Whatever novel this goes with, will be awesome.

[M. L. F.]

Why thank you.. ;) I love suspense / thriller. Oddly enough I only write suspense / thriller genre fiction, but somehow on here I have not posted much of it yet. I had a run in with an evil male I made the mistake of marrying (shivers) and had to pause to obliterate him with poetic swords for a while. Now I mostly feel there is enough blood on my blade, so that is that, and can focus on what really matters, FREEDOM AND FICTION! ;)

[ReedWrite]

I think you and I could be very good friends, M.L.
I obliterated...am still obliterating...my ex. My pen is still bloody! :)

[M. L. F.]

Ah yes.... How the pen is truly mightier than the sword.. I'm a very sweet person, but when evil, true evil comes my way (and it did, the jail worthy sort) then I brandish. hahah... yes. Friends indeed! :) Some of your best stuff will come from the bloody pen. Keep slashing!

[ReedWrite]

LOL...sharpening my pens now.
Never fear. Got your six, M. L.

[M. L. F.]

Lol... PERFECT! And I, yours. ;) Now Misty is off to bed. Its 2:30 AM here in Holland. The American writer needs to stop writing and go to sleepy-land. :) Until next time new friend.
..Misty

[ReedWrite]

Night, Misty. Sleep well.
Pam

[Lovecraft]

I'm a bit drunk right now, but this is amazingly written. The scheme, structure, flow, etc. All good!

[OhSnapShley]

Deff headed in the right direction. Thanks for sharing.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you very much.. ;) I have been really busy and remiss in finishing the short story... I edit to death. Perfectionism is my Achilles heel. The story will be out soon, maybe I will have the teaser loaded today for it... A book also. :) I am so glad you got the vibes..
..Misty

[genocide]

very good very well written

[M. L. F.]

Thank you Genocide. It is a fine compliment..
..Misty

[FIN]

You should play around more with your line work, to add more suspense... Idk if this will paste as I copied it, but notice the pace at which it moves, giving and taking just enough to suspend the reader and making them want more.

On the edge of a razor just
Outside of doom,
An evil thing lingers, in
Darkness it blooms.
Searching the tangible,
Nothing was seen,
Only the tepid pools mirror-
Like sheen.
While the tune of a piano
Struck an off-key
The horror now growing was
Watching her sleep.
As tension was gaining with
Treacherous pace
She caught a quick glimpse of
The eyes with no face.
Sleeping, wrapped tight
Under cover of sheets
She felt creeping fingertips
Touching her feet.
And screaming, the fingertips
All went away,
The eyes, ever watching,
Were watching their prey…

[FIN]

So suspenseful and thrilling and exciting. Great work, had me on the edge of my toes from start to finish.

[M. L. F.]

Why thank you ;) I'd usually kill you for such a shift in my work, (jk) but, the suggestion you offered is one I already toyed with when I wrote it, I'm just new to the staggering options in poetry.. I'm a fiction girl. On fiction, I sharpen my teeth. The poetry is just a ball I play with.. (I'm thus, not so adept with poetry).. I like your spacing though... And I like even more the reason for it... Anything to build the tension / suspense higher.

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you got into it, and thank you for taking the time for the detailed review of my work.. ;)

..Misty

[FIN]

Sorry, Misty! It was all done out of love and enjoyment of your work! I loved it as is, just thought I might add an additional way of portraying your written words, which are beautiful by the way!

Much love.

[M. L. F.]

Awww... *Melts*. No worries.. Too cute. I'm sorry. I was smiling the whole time I read your review, to be honest. No offense was taken, at all. I like to tease a bit. I guess I have a sick sense of humor. ;) Sorry... :) I genuinely adored the idea you gave. To me this is the best feedback I can get. I want to make my writing razor sharp, ESPECIALLY my suspense. And when another writer comes to me, with a positive voice, and an equally positive thought or idea on how to ramp up the tension and intensity even more... I'm all ears. ;) Sometimes I will not take the advice, but when I edit this poem next, I will try playing with the version you suggested. I always read all my work aloud, and when I read it your way... I saw what you meant, and I agree. (Which never happens).. unless it's my writing partner, then I often relent. :) I'm really honored to hear when anyone enjoys my "work". ;)

Much love in return,
Misty

[Hi]

You set the scene well here I think. It seems you could go darker or lighter from that or even mix up both. Thanks.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you.. There certainly are a lot of options. :) Thank you for reading my work.
..Misty

[Dave]

Good luck on your novel. You have me waiting to see what happens and I'm not necessarily a fan of horror stories. You reminded me of being a child and thinking the monsters couldn't get you as long as you were under the covers.

[M. L. F.]

That is a huge compliment, because that is exactly what I had hoped to achieve. That is the entire point of suspense, thriller, and horror genre work. To slowly take the reader from feeling fine to the point where they are hearing every little tick and tock around them, whirling their heads around to check behind them. ;) I have first a new short story coming out and then the first chapters of my book. I'm really tough on myself and life has been so busy, but they are coming. Thank you for reading me, time is precious. I thought your poem was quite beautiful. Look forward to reading more of your work as well..
..Misty

[matrixmark]

This was awesome is have to say...the wording you have used is so well executed and so damn creepy. A great sense of unease of someone watching came over by the bucketload. This piece you could eaisly turn into a book. Your usage of words are a perfect fit.

Big kudos to you.

Mark.

[M. L. F.]

Thank you so much Mark. Sounds cheesy, but to me, writing is about imagery and emotion and one of the feelings that makes writing the most interesting, if you want to call it an emotion, is tension. Fear is one of the most nail biting feelings any of us will ever feel, and for some reason, feeling fear for fun is riveting and exciting. This is the whole reason people read good suspense / thriller / horror and say "wow... I couldn't put that book down." I read that you are a horror movie / genre buff. You are in good company with me, ha.. I grew up on horror. My parents love it, my father read it, and taught me to love it. I have had my own experiences which lend to the realistic feeling maybe in my writing, not sure. But I do know it is the best genre. Who doesn't love suspense? I remember as a kid wanting nothing more than to go to England. Even as I grew up. I love fog and storms... I imagined myself walking along the cobblestone roads at night, stagecoaches pulled by Clydesdale horses. Walking underneath the old streetlamps, passing pubs with glowing pale lights of gold inside... oh... don't get me started. I won't stop. Now I live in Holland and I love it, but I've yet to make my way to England. At least I'm close enough to now. :) I'll check out some of your work this week. Thank you for taking the time to read and review me Mark.
..Misty

[Dr. YumnaKay]

Woah! Sounds like a horror scene here. Loved the imagery here.☺

[...]

Precisely delivered chill, line 6 is just sublime that literally gave me goosebumps. Brilliant piece. Starz

[M. L. F.]

Why thank you Starz Goosebumps intended. ;)