I miss you

I miss your warm smile and your big brown eyes full of excitement every time they spotted me coming off a train. I miss your laugh and your jokes which weren’t funny at all. And I miss you.

Dear diary,

I met him about a year ago. In a summer camp where we were both volunteering. And I’ve always had a thing for guys who love kids. He was so shy when I met him. I asked questions and he answered only with yes or no. Sometimes not even with that. He’d just nod his head and avoid eye contact. I almost gave up on him after a few days. It felt like he didn’t want me in his life. So I just took care of kids. Did my job at the camp. But I missed him even though I’ve known him only for a week.

I noticed the way he was looking at me sometimes when he thought I was too busy doing something else. He thought I wouldn’t notice anything. Those moments made me realise he cares but he’s too shy to show it.

I was broken inside. I convinced myself I’m not capable of love anymore. But everything felt right with him. We spent the last week of the summer camp having fun with little kids and talking to each other. But we talked about random stuff only. We were both too afraid to reveal our secrets. The camp ended with us knowing nothing about each other.

Our small talks continued online. We met in the city he lives in a few weeks after the camp with a few other friends. And Rob was so different. He laughed a lot. And he talked so much he barely ever shut up. I loved him like that and it made me feel happy because I was sure I had something to do with his sudden happiness. He changed me too. My friends noticed I started to smile a lot. I never told them anything about Rob.

The next time we spent a day together was when he and his friend Lee came to visit the small town I live in. Every time Rob wasn’t listening, Lee would whisper to me: “Debbie, he really likes you!˝ It did feel nice and cute that he was making plans with me. He was thinking of places we should visit together. But I didn’t believe Lee. How could someone like Rob like me, he deserves someone better.

The summer was perfect. I wished it could last forever. Because hanging out with him became such a wonderful thing. He was the best thing that happened to me that summer.

September arrived too quickly for us. I was starting to go to a new school that fall, he was in his fourth year of high school. We never found the time to talk anymore. I felt empty. Nothing seemed to matter as much as it did with him around. I was studying three hours a day so I could pass my exams. I don’t know what he was doing. We never talked. Maybe he missed me, maybe he didn’t.

We saw each other in person only once in ten months. He didn’t look so happy anymore. He looked like a piece of him was missing. But I wasn’t able to deal with all that. It was too much. When April arrived I felt like I was going to blow up because of all the pressure and stress. So I cut everyone out for three months and tried to focus on studying so I could pass my exams. Which I did. But I was so exhausted after everything I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed a break. So I didn’t talk to anyone for another month. My body had to get back its strength.

I miss him so much. School is about to end and I don’t know what this next summer means for us. I didn’t know what to do when he sent me this text:

I miss our talks. I miss the person who I was with you.

I realised he’s the missing piece my life needs. But he’ll never know that. He’s too good for me.

I miss you so much. But you deserve better.