Oh, How Things Change

How can you look me in the eyes and tell me you love me, then morph into a completely different person and say it isn't working out? That there's someone else? 

Did my feelings ever occur to you, or were you perfectly fine with breaking my heart? I hope that when she laughs a little too hard, you hear my voice inside her empty promises. Look her in the eyes, do you see the same love in them that you witnessed glitter in mine? 

When it's midnight and you've both had a bit too much to drink, she's dancing in the very spot we waltzed on our first date. Can you smile without reminiscing what once was? 

Lay in bed with her tonight. See if you can smell her hair without missing the fresh scent of mine. Can you kiss her lips and tell her you taste her strawberry chap-stick without remembering it's my favorite kind? 

Wait for the night where she's snoring softly besides you, yet you're restless. Your mind sweeps to the missed opportunities of grazing my lips with yours and whispering against them, all the chances to prove your feelings yet being too cowardice to do so. 

How did this happen, when just yesterday you told me I was your soul mate? My experience with love has shown me that there's no such thing as soul mates. Love isn't a fate driven concept that is meant for every person. Love isn't what I was brought up to believe it was. I always thought love was a powerful gift that changed your whole world and shifted your views into something so clear and understandable. 

But without you, I've realized that love is quiet and fierce. Love shows no mercy, in fact, it shows nothing at all. Love isn't a blossoming flower in a garden of weeds. Love is the weeds. Love is all the little things that pass our eyes and hearts without a single thought, going unnoticed. Love isn't that 'All Powerful Guide' we make it out to be. True love is sitting next to a person in complete silence and being happy. 

Did we ever have that? I can't recall, because with you all I could do was listen to your beautiful, alluring voice until I became deaf to anyone else. I've learned that love is telling someone they have a beautiful singing voice when in reality they sound like s**t. Love is different for every person, but that doesn't mean its a lightning beam. Love is simple, and based on what we had, it wasn't real. I learned that love isn't a choice, so why do I keep forcing myself to love you when you want nothing to do with me? 

I don't have the words to explain how you made me feel. I always thought our love was like that of the ocean and the sandy shore. The ocean, no matter how much it's pushed away, continues to touch the shore in a loving embrace. I thought of myself as the shore, and you as my ocean, but it turned out that she was the moon controlling your tides. 

I'm not trying to extinguish your happiness, but do you realize that you're only happy because you ripped mine from my heart, my soul, and sewed it to yours? You took it with you, along with a piece of my heart. Maybe that's why I feel as if I'll never be whole again, because you touched and took a part of me that I'll never get back, and I don't want it back. It hurt's too much to have it out of pity. 

You loved yourself too little to ever begin to love a creature as complex as I. 

My biggest fear used to be suffering pain, but you made me realize exactly what kind of pain I fear. I fear the pain of being unloved by those who once claimed the overpowering emotion. I fear being ugly to the one who saw the future in my eyes, happiness in my heart, and love on my lips. 

I was once told, "The whole point of love is to resist temptation and stay faithful." My thought at the time was, No. The whole point of love is THAT person being your temptation. Love isn't bittersweet, love isn't heartbreak. Love is life. I know now. Love is exactly heartbreak. Maybe I let this broken love hold me back instead of letting it free me.

In my eyes, love was always poetry, but realization has taught me that the poetry of love comes from the heartbreak it brings. My curse is that I can easily write about love, yet it's impossible for me to have it. 

A part of me wonders how long we would have lasted if she had never begged for your attention until you finally gave it to her. Another part of me wonders how long you would have stayed if I had changed into everything you promised you hated, yet you instantly chased. 

I constantly convince myself that I'm a numb shell of a human being, but I feel so deeply sometimes that I wonder if I cause my own suffering. The I remember the day you told me I was too much for you. Too hard to be with. You know how I know I love you? 

Because even after you carelessly pried my heart from my chest, it still beats with your  failed promises.