Candle

Rewrite

A dancing flame sparks our hearts.

The casting shadows flicker apart.

The candle snickers at our passionate start.

These new emotions feel like fiction, unreal.

My heart's protective shell beginning to peel.

This dancing flame is something I never knew I could feel.

I always believed love was a mistake.

Sometimes the pain could be unbearable,

As if eating too many sweets and feeling terrible.

With you I've experienced the dream-like spell.

The yearning I feel is making my heart swell.

Only until I met you I was living in Hell.

I look upon the wall at the dancing flame.

I visualize the comparison and realize our love is just as untamed.

Love is a candle.

It burns bright throughout the night,

Or it fades in the darkness leaving us along and afraid.

Author's Note

Thoughts?

Reviews

[Wolfwind]

I really like it's theme. The rhyming was good, except for the double "of" at the end of the second to last stanza. This is one of those type of poems that has a good rythem to it, but needs a bit of tuning to make it really sing.
One of the things that i've been scolded for at times by far greater poets than I, is that if you can get rid of a filler word...do it. They distract from the flow...

For example...

"Love is a candle.
Either it keeps burning bright,
Throughout the night,
Otherwise it begins to fade,
Leaving us in the darkness,
Alone and afraid."

Love is a candle
Either burning bright
Throughout the night
Or it begins to fade
Leaving us in darkness
Alone and afraid

By taking out some of the small filler words, one can sharpen the image of their ink and allow for a smoother tempo while reading. =)

I really liked how this piece asks us questions and makes us ponder about love, life and the way of relations. The anology to the candle is a really good one!

Thanks for sharing your ink!
Aaron

About the Darkness thing, what I said "Leaving us in the Darkness" it was meant to be People left in sadness, but only temporarily. When you say just 'in darkness', it seems that they are there, thriving in the pain and sadness instead of building up and leaving the dark and bringing happiness and light.

[Wolfwind]

The wording really doesn't change the meaning as I observed from what you had writen. The last stanza doesn't seem to imply that people will find the light at all. It seems to say that love is either the candle that burns bright, keeping people in the light, or it burns out and they find themselves in darkness. It's a very black and white choice in that stanza. Whether it's "in the darkness" or "in darkness" wouldn't change the meaning much. But you're the writer, so I won't argue how you have it writen. But if that's what you meant by it... the last stanza didn't get the point across the way you had hoped it might.

[mark]

very well written :) keep it up. you're a great writer

[Phill Oz O'fee]

You may have to kiss a few ‘toads’ before you find your handsome ‘prince’! But at 14 you have plenty of time. Your write is a very mature interpretation of how challenging the search for ‘true love’ tends to be – the journey fraught with twist and turns. Excellent composition – keep up the good work.

I am mature for my age. What can I say? I've seen, and witnessed the pain of the world. I didn't base this off my feelings. I based it from what I witness with my mother, also, it's not all about true love and "the prince" of your dreams. It's about family and it being broken, too.

[Rahul]

Love is our own mistake,
With its pain unbearable,
The sweetness of it, terrible.

this's an awesome and heartbreak stanza.

[Akashi]

Elegant and entertaining, madam, you've took my eyes from my head. Hee hee. ;)

[Hachamecha]

it's beautiful

[Coyote Poetry]

"Love is our own mistake,
With its pain unbearable,
The sweetness of it, terrible."
I like the logic of this poem. Closing lines are true. If you want to survive. Need kindness and hard work. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote