Chapter 6: The Book

Over the next few days, Kalim came to me whenever he knew I was awake, asking me to read to him. He let me walk down with him to the library a couple times when he knew I was doing well enough. The walls in the hallways began to take on colors, only little bits of a time. They were like echoes of things I had yet to remember. It made me uneasy. It was worth it to get to the library though. The walls were a dark, dark blue, with soft lights that floated aimlessly around the room. You could never catch them; they always flew just out of reach, even when you thought they weren’t paying attention. The walls library itself had books of every imaginable genre. A lot of the books were written in Fae, but there was a section devoted to books in other languages. The English books were a little limited, but I enjoyed them thoroughly.

Kalim seemed to enjoy them too, when I read them to him. He’d close his eyes and listen attentively, and every time I stopped to see if he was asleep, his eyes would snap open, and he’d ask “Why did you stop?”

Every once in a while, the books I’d read would bring on short snatches of memory. Nothing enough to knock me out, not even anything worth reporting to Carrad. Mainly only a split-second look at something I’d lived through once upon a time.

One day, Kalim brought me a book from the library I that had been in the stack of books he originally had beside my bed the day I woke up in Libain. I couldn’t remember reading it before.

“This has always been one of my favorites,” he admitted, handing me the book and sitting on the other side of the large bed. Over time he’d migrated from his chair to the edge of the bed to his current position. I didn’t mind it much. It was nice to have his companionship, and over time he’d been more open with me. I almost believed he thought of me as a friend. I ran my fingers down the leather spine of the book, tracing over the patterns etched in it. It felt familiar. Like another echo from the past. I opened to the first page, and Kalim settled himself against the headboard.

“‘The Wall of Falamar,’” I read the title. It slipped off my tongue easily. More easily than most words, as though they weren’t English. It made me a little wary. I read a few pages in before stopping.

“Why’d you stop?” Kalim asked automatically.

“I can’t read it.” My voice was a little shaky as I said this. “It’s… I don’t… I don’t know how to read Fae. But that’s impossible, I just read… but I don’t recognize…” I shut the book and tossed it away from me, feeling a pain rise in my head. “Kalim… Kalim I don’t… what’s going on?” I tried my best to keep the panic out of my voice, but it wasn’t working. He said something in a different language that somehow I knew was supposed to be a curse.

“Why can’t you remember?” His voice was raised, clearly angry. I shrunk back. Kalim had always been calm and very together before. He rose to his knees, towering over me. “Why can’t you just remember already? How could you have forgotten? I’ve waited! We’ve all waited so long! Once you started reading, I was so sure… wake up!” He reached as though he was going to shake my shoulders, but I instinctively threw myself backwards to keep away from him. Consequently, I fell back-first onto the floor, looking up at him, terrified. His eyes widened as he realized what had just happened. He swung his legs over the bed, offering me help up. “Elsa, I’m so sor--”

“Don’t… don’t touch me!” I flinched away, then scooted myself across the floor away from him. My back hurt, and now my head was pounding, and I couldn’t think straight. Pain flashed across his face for such a short instant I could have sworn I’d imagined it. He tried approaching me again, the way he might have a lost, frightened cat. I was tempted to lash out at him the way a lost, frightened cat would have, but instead I backed up even more, until I’d hit the wall. My back protested as it slammed against the plaster. Now I had nowhere to run, and I didn’t trust my legs to stand.

He sat a few feet from me, watching me. I curled into a ball, trying to make myself disappear in my own arms.

“Elsa,” he tried softly. I didn’t respond. I didn’t trust him. “Elsa, please…” Pain crept into his voice, and he cleared his throat to try and rid himself of it. But when he spoke, it was still colored with regret and hurt. “Please. I didn’t mean to… to frighten you. Please, please could you... could you come here?” I shook my head, keeping my head buried in my arms. After a few moments, I heard him stand. “I’m sorry.” His voice was a near whisper. I braced myself, unsure what he was going to do, but he simply walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

I carefully uncurled myself, looking around the room for any sign that he may be hiding. When I’m certain he was gone, I tested my legs. They held my weight, which was more than I was expecting. Every step I made took a toll on my back, however. I was beyond grateful once I got to the bed and was able to crash back into the sheets. After a moment, I gently picked up “The Wall of Falamar” again, tracing my fingers across the symbols. I could read the majority of them without a problem. For some reason I couldn’t translate them directly into English without some effort, but I knew the meanings of the words without having to think about it.

I set the book on top of the stack beside the bed and let out a long, shaky sigh. I didn’t understand what was going on. I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t know how. No, you do know how, I reminded myself. I grit my teeth. I had to do this. There wasn’t another choice, and I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I laid myself down in the bed, took a deep breath, and closed my eyes. Through the open window I could hear the surf crashing on the shore. My name is Elsa, I told myself. And I let the memories hit my like a tidal wave.