Pilot – Kevlar and Cave Trolls

It was forty degrees above warm. The mouth of the cave was like a windowless room where the oven had been left on high all afternoon. All signs of humidity had decided hey had quite enough, thank you, and vacated the premises completely. What plants were left did not droop; they passed out entirely. I pretended to wipe sweat from my brow, and cautiously entered the cave.

When I get bored, I like to go goblin-hunting. I really get into it, dressing up in black canvas fabrics, complete with Kevlar around my chest, shoulders, and legs. I even tied a bandana around my forehead for that “Rambo” affect, doused in water so I could pretend I was sweating. It was drying already from the heat, but I have a really good imagination, even for an immortal.

As I made my way through the dark, I clutched my sawed-off double-barrel, complete with lightning augmentation. That last bit was really a little re-working of my own magic, inspired by a video game I had seen for the Xbox. Hey, don’t judge - I have to keep myself entertained. The gun was purely for enjoyment's sake. If I wanted, I could flush out the entire goblin horde with righteous fire without so much as blinking an eye… but what’s the fun in that? Now, a shotgun that shoots lightning on the other hand…

I crept through the murky cave as if I had something to fear, reminiscing on my old mortal days. Carefully, silently, I made my way deeper into the Underdark, wary for any sounds of life. For a long while, I heard nothing but the shuffling of my own feet. I became disappointed; I wanted to hunt goblins, dangit! This planet was known to have many, and judging by the overall unpleasantness of this cave, I had guessed the mountain was teeming with them.

Just as I was about to hang myself with frustration, I heard the scuffling of clumsy feet and dove silently behind a particularly large stalagmite. (You see, I know it was a stalagmite because of a rhyme my teacher had told me. The ones on the floor are stalagmites because they “might” reach the top, and the ones on the ceiling are stalactites because they “cling tight” so they don’t fall. Okay, it’s not a rhyme, so sue me.)

"Khrej nash de radh ne dah," said the goblin. Of course, as an emissary of heaven, I am immune to the language barriers, but there is no point in translating, really. In the end, goblins have very little to speak of that I feel comfortable repeating. Not because it was particularly vile and evil, necessarily, but rather because it all centers on some fart joke or another.

I pulled the pin of a grenade I kept at my belt (with my teeth of course action-hero style) and lobbed it. I heard it clink against stone and felt a thud in my lap. The grenade had bounced off a stalactite. Oh, damn it.

KA-BOOM

Just because I'm mostly immortal doesn't mean shrapnel grenades feel like sunshine and flowers. Imagine a particularly large scorpion in your lap, clacking its pincers at your gonads. But, thankfully, despite my lack of military training, I squished the scorpion, I mean grenade, against the stone wall. The resulting explosion showered me with rock, shrapnel stuck in my glove like rose thorns. Well, there goes my surprise-attack-action-hero-entrance.

The goblins had retreated in alarm. I pursued them into the cavern and found them huddling behind another rock.

"Hi." I said. Always one for eloquence. I pulled the trigger on my buck-shot-and-lightning shotgun, to no effect. I inspected my weapon and planted my palm against my forehead. C**k it.

The goblins did not scream, thrash, or make another fart joke. They died with as much dignity as goblins can, that is their deaths alerted help - a noisy cave troll somewhere in the caverns. Oooh, that sounded fun! I reloaded, cocked my weapon, and set out gleefully.

Reviews

[Weaver]

"like a windowless room that had left the oven on high all afternoon" - awkward (the room had left the oven on high?) - try "a windowless room where the oven had been left on high all afternoon"
"All signs of humidity had decided it had quite enough" - "All signs of humidity had decided they had quite enough" (pronoun refers back to "signs," not "humidity")
semicolon or period, not comma, after "did not droop"
"already doused in water... drying already" - delete one "already"
"I have a really good imagination, even for an immortal" - I like this line, and it's a good attention-getter.
"sawed off double-barrel" - "sawed-off"
"a little re-working of my own magic, inspired by a video game"- This is a nice touch, the mix of fantasy elements with totally normal pop culture.
You've got dashes getting changed to double quotation marks (there's one after "don't judge") - I think this happens when you use smart quotes and copy and paste from Word.
"for enjoyments’ sake" - "for enjoyment's sake"
comma after "shoots LIGHTNING" (I recommend using italics for emphasis rather than all caps)
"reminiscing my old mortal days" - "reminiscing on my old mortal days" - another bit of backstory skillfully worked into the narrative
"I began to become really disappointed" - awkward - try "I began to feel really disappointed" or even "I felt really disappointed"
"This planet was known to have many" - interesting...
"about to hang myself with frustration" - And what good would that do? I get the impression he can't die. :) Of course, that's what makes the line amusing.
no comma after "clumsy feet"
The aside about stalagmites seems out of place.
"as an emissary of heaven" - I didn't expect this particular version of an immortal character, and now I have SLIGHT misgivings about where the story will end up going.
comma after "with my teeth"
no comma after "clink against stone"
"Just because I'm mostly immortal doesn't mean shrapnel grenades feel like sunshine and flowers." - good line
"it's pincers" - "its"
comma, not period, after "Hi"
"as a goblin can" - "as goblins can" - period or semicolon, not comma, after
You have talent. The narrative voice in this chapter is very well done, the action is interesting, the backstory is blended into what is happening now rather than hitting the reader in a boring lump... And I like your main character's sense of humor.
I look forward to reading more of this story.

[♥Kaitlyn♥]

i like it! alot :)

[J.L Hunter]

I'm not sure what it is, but I have this thing tapping at the back of my mind telling me that you could very well become a great writer one day. However, my diagnosis of this is not determined by the story I just read. It's just, eh, something that I can't quite say for sure. I guess what i'm trying to say here, is from what i've read of "Style" and of that medial sideworker "Grammar", everyone can become a writer. The only way a person can obtain even a smidgen of what we so loosely throw around as "Talent" is by reading a lot and writing a lot. This story was fun to read, but just from what i've divulged here, I would say you do not do either. That or, you don't do it for fun or for love, yet. Send some more of your work, because if your serious about this, you HAVE other works. Thank you for sharing your mind with me for a little while.