The Knight & The Dove: Prologue

The introduction to The Knight & The Dove.

Prologue-

 

A dark-cloaked, terrified traveler rode along a rocky, darkened path, the sunset’s light blocked from his eyes by masses of trees. The man rode hard and fast, his mount trying to keep up with its rider’s orders. Arrows flew out, half glancing off his back armor plate, half missing. But one found its mark in his side. For fear of poison, he ripped it out instantly. This cost him a second of his attention, which was too much to lose. His horse’s hoof hit a stump; it’s leg snapping like a twig with the momentum. The horse fell, right onto the bank of a deep river. Mount and rider rolled into the rushing Olgeron River, and Ashrick, once he calmed himself, grabbed a rock in the river, watching with horror and guilt as his favorite horse drowned in the swift current.

 

But he’d no time for sadness. He kept hold of the rock, and ducked below the water long enough for his pursuers to believe him drowned, then he carefully pulled himself, boulder by boulder, to the opposite edge of the river. After eventually crawling out and coughing up a good amount of water, he then looked up, seeing through the thinning trees, the Capital. He was close enough to home now, that he was safe. The weary King, reduced to a shoddy traveler, gave a grateful smile, collapsing there next to a tree. He was soaked, muddy, and beaten, but home. His long stay as a suspected threat in the home of the Sun King, Lyon, had been worth it, he’d gotten Loor out alive. After several minutes of catching his breath, he pulled his gold locket out from his shirt, opening it to look at a picture of his beloved nineteen year-old daughter, Anaxilea.

 

“I’ll be home tomorrow, Ana…” the King whispered softly, and then closed his eyes to fall into a deep slumber.

 

-Taiylor Wallace

Author's Note

Enjoy the first installment!

Reviews

[Weaver]

"hoof hit a stump; it’s leg snapping" - "hoof hit a stump, its leg snapping"
no comma after "He kept hold of the rock"
"drowned, then he carefully pulled"- either "and then he carefully pulled" or change comma to semicolon or period
"he then looked up" - delete "then"
don't capitalize "capital"
no comma after "close enough to home now"
period or semicolon, not comma, after "had been worth it"
"nineteen year-old daughter"- "nineteen-year-old daughter"
"home tomorrow, Ana..." - comma after ellipses
Interesting opening, and better written than most of what I've seen on this site. You could make this scene longer if you wanted, but I prefer short prologues, myself.

[Darina Raven]

Love this prologue, it really makes me want to read more.
How do you pronounce the name Anaxilea?
My only advice would be to vary your sentence length.
Other than that, an amazing opening - why not enter it into a competition or two?

~Darina